Another baby with no 'village'

[Hopingandwaiting2021]

Just looking to see if anyone can offer experience. My DS is 3 and I would love to give him a sibling BUT I'm worried how we would manage. It's really just me and my husband, we've no other help. Is it manageable if its really just the two of you? Even things like when I had the baby I'd be in hospital alone (so husband can look after DS). Have you done it? Was it all ok?

No village here - we don't have family or friends who help with babysitting but luckily DH's work is flexible so he can take leave at almost any time he chooses, and also wfh although he usually chooses to go into the office 5 days.

DD1 was 3 when I had DD2 and was attending nursery regularly, so we booked her in for an extended day at nursery when I gave birth. I needed a elcs which worked out well, but it was harder being in hospital overnight on my own (compared with DD1, when DH stayed with me overnight).

DH has a good paternity leave package so he was around every day in the early months. I would have struggled without him, especially since I had a cs, but also taking DD1 to nursery and on trips out.

As they've got older, there are a few things I've had to depend on DH to split parenting tasks with, eg taking eldest to some clubs without having to bring DD2 in tow (as it ends quite late and a long journey, so DH comes home early to look after DD2), some medical appointments for DD1. If your DH's work isn't as flexible then it could be hard to manage, or he'd have to take leave to help. But a lot of it is stuff we choose to do so I suppose you'd just avoid signing up for activities unless you know you can manage.

We aren't really sociable people and haven't been keen on taking on other dcs for babysitting, but other families manage by agreeing to babysitting swaps. But it doesn't really help if you need childcare on a particular day during working hours and if all the other mums work then too. Plus once you have 2 dcs, having a playdate doesn't mean you'll have child-free time as you stull have the other child to look after, unless they're willing to look after both. I just prefer relying on paid childcare but it does cost.

If you're already doing it with one, you'll be fine. We've got 3, no help at all from family.
But invest some energy into cultivating your own village - other parents with no family help you can trade with, a network of paid babysitters. It's not much fun doing it totally alone.

We had nearly 3 years between our 2 dc with no real “village” in many ways. DH and I juggled everything between ourselves and were often like ships in the night or playing tag team. All our childcare was paid for by us apart from the 15 hours funding once they returned 3. Ant babysitting was paid for. I was lucky to have a home birth with DD which DS slept through.

I won’t lie, it was very tough at times. But there was also a very important upside. DH and I never had to accommodate the wishes of others e.g. grandparents. I know many families where Nan has been so involved that she is essentially a bit like the third parent and this can get quite messy.

We do have family and we do have friends. But we just don’t have that sort of circle that you can rely on people for help as and when. But DH and I are both quite independent and not the best at asking for help!

It may well have made as stronger as a parenting unit as DH and I had to rely on each other. It definitely meant that we stopped at 2 though.

No village. We hired a nanny. I love her more than my DH sometimes 🥰 I'd remortgage my house before giving her up. Honestly, it eats up a lot of our salary and a nursery would be half the cost but it's enabled us to have a life and actually consider a second child.

Thank you everyone it's so useful to hear. Hoping as my wee boy gets older we might know more mums and dads and be able to share the load a bit. I don't trust easily so may struggle with this. Unfortunately DH job isn't as flexible but he does have pretty good annual leave. I think I'd be a planned CS this time as last birth didn't go well and ended up CS. I just don't know how to make the choice and I worry time is running out

Of course, it’s doable. We have no family help. I had a home birth with both of mine, so eldest was just downstairs watching tv. But for the birth, I hired a doula specifically to support her. She basically hung out with her and brought her up to see me from time to time. Had I needed to go to hospital at any point, she would have stayed with her until Dh came home after the birth. It was £500 well spent. If you’re having a planned section though, that’s super easy. You plan it for when your ds is at nursery/school.

As for everything else, you just need to support each other fully. Dh and I have no one to help with holiday childcare. So we use holiday clubs and have arranged our working lives so we have maximum flexibility. I have cancer now, so I’ve needed a few surgeries. Dh drives us all to the hospital, drops me off, drives an hour back home, drops dc off at school, drives back to collect me at the end of the day, etc. One of my dc has come along to see me get stitches removed, etc. You just get on with it.

You don’t need “help”

Plenty of people have no family members willing to do lots of free childcare for them. Most people I know have friends that will help out in emergencies or with babysitting, though. Reciprocally, obviously. A friend and I used to babysit for each other when the kids were little so we could each go out as a couple.

It’s entirely to do with how hands-on of a parent your dh is.
I didn’t have another because I had no one, and also went through a difficult phase with dh when dc was 1-2yo.
I do feel sad for dc sometimes that he doesn’t have a sibling but ten years later I’m convinced it was the right decision for multiple reasons.
I read a book called ‘One and Only’ by L Sandler when making my decision, which I found very informative and helpful.

you know what it's like to have a baby so only you know in your circumstances whether you can do it

it will be difficult but some people struggle more than others

'A village' no longer exists for the vast majority of parents. People are expected to work much later in life, communities are fractured, due to women having to work whether they want to or not, and many families live all over the country/world, and most people are busy. And even those who aren't too busy, (coz the children have left home) don't want to be used as free childcare after doing it themselves sometimes for several decades (often whilst having to hold down a job.)

I work very few hours now (I'm in my late 50s) and have no DC at home, (let for uni nearly a decade ago and didn't come back,) and like fuck would I be stepping up for the mums of young children in the village - and looking after their children for them because they can't cope/need a break etc.

I struggled for many years with no help and had to cope alone (even DH wasn't massively hands on to be honest,) and I did the lion's share of the childcare as well as working 3-4 days a week and doing 90% of the household chores, life admin, grunt work, and domestic chores etc. (As well as looking after elderly family members.) Got to early 50s, and everything changed. No more elder care, no more childcare, and no more mortgage - (so able to go very part time,) and like fuck will I be taking on other peoples children. Only my own grandchildren - if any ever come along - will I consider looking after/helping with. If that makes me a callous unfeeling cow, so be it. I don't intend to be used. Coz that's what will happen. I have seen it happen to others.

Unfortunately, it's time to pull your boot straps up @Hopingandwaiting2021 and learn to cope without help. Many parents (mums especially) have to. Don't expect help, then if someone does step up, it will be a bonus.

We don't have any family support - it's fine for us but the big thing that makes a difference is money.

We are able to pay for babysitting, holiday clubs, wraparound, outsource DIY etc. Without that, it would be a lot harder.

I mention DIY because a lot of people we know will either have the arrangement where their dad comes over and helps with DIY or where their parents look after the kids for a few hours at the weekend if they need to get something done. With young kids especially it's not easy otherwise to get DIY done with them around and we need to save our annual leave for school holidays

Is there a reason you haven’t started creating a village, as your child is already three? Those early years are some of the easiest to create one. No-one from nursery or playgroups or other baby groups? We started a babysitting circle from a playgroup. Do you have a childminder? No one in my circle have family nearby to help out.

Honestly I think that 2 is doable but not 3 or more if you have a supportive partner but no village. I'm generalising a bit and I'm sure there are thriving single mothers of 10 out there but it's true for most families.

Did you do any baby or toddler groups? They get a pasting on here but I found they where what got me through this stage with my mental health intact.

We have one (unable to have a second but wanted). Sticking with one is VERY intense. You are the sole person for their entertainment, we don't have a village, it is exhausting to the bones at times. I do so wish wed been able to have a second as much as it would mean a juggle, the family dynamics overall would be way more balanced.

We are in same predicament. We struggle with the sleep, the relentlessness and the general lack of break to even do small things on the house- everything takes so much longer. But sometimes I think once you've done one with no help it's not hugely different - with the exception of juggling different drop offs and pick ups for a short while, and the cost of childcare

Thanks everyone. Its nice to hear so many people in the same boat. @mindutopia a doula is an interesting idea! Will think on that. I'm so sorry to hear you are ill, I hope everything goes well for you.

Cultivating a village just hasn't worked out to be honest. We did clubs etc when he was a baby but the relationships kind of faded away after everyone went back to work. I've not managed to bond much at nursery, I rarely see other parents. We don't have a lot of money so haven't looked into babysitting/ nanny options.
It's so true, getting anything done is very difficult @Petrie999 . Also agree @SlB09 that one is very intense.

What about friends you had before having children?

If you really know nobody, then obviously you need to be looking at paid childcare options.

People on Mumsnet always suggest cultivating your own village but there are two things about that make it really difficult

Firstly - when you have young children and work and have no family support, you just don't have a lot of spare time or energy to do that, it can very much become a vicious cycle. And also the logistics of that make it harder too - we used private nursery and wraparound now and everyone picks up at different times, it's not as easy to form school gate type connections

Second - most people do have family support. Not necessarily family doing regular childcare but helping out a few times a year/occasional babysitting, that kind of support. So they aren't that into reciprocal arrangements.

Agree with the cultivation, you can do the right things to try and connect with others but it's not guaranteed. Sometimes you simply don't find the right people.

You do just have to keep putting yourself out there. Be the one to offer. In my experience it all just sort of fell into place once the DC got a bit older and everyone got a bit nervous. We've got a good circle now but it found we really had to be the ones to make the first offer, people (myself included) don't like to ask.

But what if you've kept putting yourself out there and have run out of options? Are you supposed to get on your knees and beg?

I'm thankfully not in this situation at this point in my life but I have been in the past. Sometimes you don't find your people and have to do your best to manage without a village. There are ways to manage, limiting number of children and trying to have realistic expectations of what you can do lifestyle wise.

Second - most people do have family support. Not necessarily family doing regular childcare but helping out a few times a year/occasional babysitting, that kind of support. So they aren't that into reciprocal arrangements.

Well, yes-I would say that most people I know had/have someone to call on in an emergency, yes, eg a neighbour, colleague, a friend or member of the family who might have their older child eg whilst they gave birth or to babysit occasionally.

If neither of you talk to any neighbours or have any friends at all, that's a real shame

Yes, we did it. Dd was born in hospital while DH was at home with DC. I promise you it was absolutely fine. It was only a day out of a lifetime. Everyone was safe, that's all that really matters.
We found a wonderful childminder (took a while, but worth it). By school age it was very obvious we were not the only family with zero family to help and we made a baby sitting circle which ran for years, only 3 or 4 people, but was a help with the odd night out, and also bonding a bit with other families.
Grandparents were valued members of family, one set over seas, the other a longish drive away. Saw each maybe twice a year. They had excellent loving relationships with grandchildren.
Good luck, it really does work and you will find your are not alone.

We don’t have any help from GPs and siblings all live miles away inc abroad. When DC2 was born I had an ELCS while DC1 was at nursery and then DH left to pick her up. We were fine without him but I did go private so I could choose the exact date and time then have all the extra post natal support. We do now have a nephew at uni near where we live so that’s babysitting sorted and we’ve made a big effort to make friends locally. Day nursery was tricky with everyone dropping and picking up at different times but once mine were at school nursery I met loads of nice people, some of whom are now really good mates we holiday with and could definitely call on in an emergency. We also have nice next door neighbours, not our sort to be super chummy with, but definitely there to help each other out if you get locked out or something and our girls sometimes play together too.