Help! Do I report this? What should I do?

[Nowwhatdo]

My 10 year old DD went to play at our friends house, they have two children, one of the children is a boy aged nine. They’re friends. My DD is a very innocent 10 struggles with anxiety and is extremely kind. They were in his bedroom and he asked to see inside her knickers, she didn’t want to show him but he said you’re a scarlet cat and a wimp and in her words “she finds it really hard to say no to people” so she did and he touched her and told her not to tell us what happened. When she came home she was in a terrible state and it took me ages to get her to tell me what happened. She kept saying I said “no and I didn’t want to but he said I had ti and you know I’m no good at saying no to people”. My DH has already gone mad at the mum, she’s questioned boy and obviously he’s denied it. We believe our daughter. The mum is minimising and saying they were both curious and perhaps playing and now our DD wishes she hadn’t.

Our DD said she didn’t want to, he said she had to and told her not to tell us.

Where do I go from here? Obviously that’s the end of any friendship but do I report it?

Contact the NSPCC for advice. IME they are a good place to start.

Calling the NSPCC is a really good call

Definitely NSPCC

NSPCC and, as importantly, you need to teach her about consent and to say no. It will stop her being persuaded or coerced in many ways as she gets bigger.

You can call the NSPCC but they’ll say that your local children’s social work service should be informed.?’So you could just call them. They’ll probably do an assessment and identify if any work needs to be done. It’s important you do this - without intervening then your friend’s child is more likely to do the same again to someone else.

Also teach your child the NSPCC ‘Pants’ rules. Resources on their website.

I hadn’t even thought of the NSPCC.

Just the other day we were discussing our children and I said to DH my worry with this DD is she’s kind to a fault, always wants to please everyone and it worries me that she will be taken advantage of and get into dangerous situations.

How do you encourage personal boundaries? My other DD who is younger doesn’t take any crap off anyone.

Be really careful that you don’t accidentally tell her she should have said no better/differently/louder. It becomes her fault if that is what you say.

I agree that you need to help her become less people pleasing, but do that separately.

Things to think about re making her more assertive-
-remember to ask her what she wants. We can take advantage of our easygoing dc and they get used to going along with everyone else.
-remind her she is allowed to say no, that you won’t be angry.
-stop praising her for being ‘a kind little girl who looks after other people’. Praise her for determination, for standing up for herself, for knowing her own mind, for doing the right thing not the kind thing.
-model polite and less polite ways of saying a determined ‘no thanks’. Use your hand like a stop sign and say ‘No!’, Go Away! Never! I’m going home! I want my mum right now! etc.

We spend too much time teaching children- particularly girls- to be compliant.

She said straight away that it’s her fault and asked if I’m angry? I told her it isn’t her fault and I would never be angry. But to hear those words was so upsetting because she’s blaming herself.

Thank you myplace

Hi @Nowwhatdo .
This must feel so awful but your daughter is so lucky to have you.
You've obviously done really well with her that she understands consent and also that she can confide in you.
From your daughters perspective ime one of the most important things is for her to know that you believe her. It was not "a game. I know you know that but when I was about her age mine too was minimised by those words and its led to years of blaming myself and now through lots of therapy huge anger.
As others have said nspcc is your best first port of call. If they go to the same school I would reccomend the home school link worker too as your daughter will still be very shuck up when she goes back to school especially if she has to see him again.
Sending lots of love to you both

Thank you Wasywasydoodah He’s 9! That’s all he is. I’m shocked at such sexualised behaviour. Thankfully they’re not in the same school.

I would call both the police and the nspcc, I’m not sure if this would come under operation encompass so if I knew his school I would also inform them, as it wouldn’t be unheard of for him to be a victim of sexual assault or non-contact sexual abuse.

He’s obviously been in contact with inappropriate people/videos, etc. I would ask the non-emergency police line what they recommend.

His mum is absolutely part of the issue here. By minimising what happened, she’s not teaching her son about boundaries, inappropriate requests, and the importance of consent.

When my two were growing up, both my DS and DD briefly went through phases of asking or doing things with friends that the other didn’t like. Each time, I used it as a chance to make it very clear - nobody should ever make, pressure, or persuade someone into doing something they’re not comfortable with. Consent has to be taught early and reinforced, both the right to say no and the responsibility to listen and respect it.

It’s also important to point out to the mum that she needs to look at the worst-case scenario here. The way it appears is that her son pressured your DD and if that is what happened, it’s vital to confront it. To ignore it is irresponsible and teaches him that he can get away with treating girls like this again.

You need to call customer first and report as a safeguarding issue.

Sometimes children that do this have had this done to them so there could be safeguarding from both sides.

Should add this is not me dismissing what happened or making excuses. It was very wrong!

You need to report this to children's services. The boy could be abused by an adult himself and its learned behaviour.

Look at a video clip of Mel Robbin’s and Gabor mate (chat gpt will find this) where they talk about her sexual assault at a friends house and he didn’t tell anyone. Gabor explains that the trauma isn’t mainly this scary incident it’s the fact she didn’t feel able or safe to go to her parents to explain and seek help from
them. Your daughter was able to so you should feel proud you’re doing this right.
the boy is below the age of criminal responsibility but I would put in a safeguarding call to local authority and also tell the dsl at school especially if they go to the same school.

Customer @teacoffeeorpassthegin?

I’d speak to the school when they go back next week. Regardless of whether the other boy attends there. The designated safeguarding lead DSL will be able to best advise and importantly the school should be focusing on boundaries during RSE and PSHE lessons. Most schools use the NSPCC pants are private resources and you can also work on those with your daughter. Poor girl, she’s been very brave telling you and she needs to understand she’s done nothing wrong but the boy has - he’s old enough to know this is not OK. Quite what action social care may take I don’t know but the school should want to help.

You need to report this incident to the police. This young boy has abused, and sexually assaulted your daughter. It may be that this young boy is being abused himself, and it's behaviour he thinks is 'normal'. The fact the boy's Mum has minimised the situation and the lad has denied the incident, is another reason why it should be reported. I would call the non-emergency number or even go to your local police station in person. Yes, you could contact the NSPCC for advice, but my guess will be that they will advise you to report the incident to the police.

Just wanted to add that there is a special part of the Childline website for under 11s, I am not sure what it says about safety but it’s perhaps something you could look at and then look at with your daughter. The main thing g is she told you and you are not angry so well done you. Please tell her she has done nothing wrong and what happened was not her fault. The boy is the one in the wrong here. And yes please report it because often he will have been exposed to things he shouldn’t have seen. Which may be why his mum is minimising.

Brilliant advise.

Good luck, OP 💐

I'd ring the NSPCC and the police. Your poor DD.

There is also an element of authorities looking into the boy too, he's 9, there's a chance this inappropriate behaviour has been triggered by something else too. By trying to protect him, his mum isn't doing him any favours at all.

As as social worker I would say, by all means look into NSPCC for support and guidance but what needs to happen is for you to make a referral to your local children’s services department - do this on line it’s very simple. This is for the boys safety as much as anything.
If worried about discomfort or infection maybe book a GP appointment now or in the future if her anxiety is concerning you.
Pant-a-saurus is a good tool to support DD and when she returns to school it might need clearly addressing with parents and school support, so she understands this is not OK, that she didn’t do anything wrong etc but as an anxious child this could heighten her anxiety - not definitely but possibly she will need extra support over the next few weeks.