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Feeling guilty when missing children’s events

6 replies

MummyCG87 · 28/08/2025 12:28

My DS races as a hobby and it’s gives me really bad anxiety, so for certain races I don’t go, as I feel I’m going to make him feel anxious and pass my negative energy on. But, then I feel terrible that I’m not there supporting him (even though he’s only 8) so I sit there all weekend at home watching, but feeling guilty that I’m not there. Is anyone else ever in similar situations? I have sat down with him and sometimes I’ll tell a white lie; like I have I have to stay home with the dog (which is actually true sometimes) and he’s fine with it, but I can’t shake the feeling of guilt that I’m not there. I don’t miss every race and I go to all his training with him so it’s not like I’m always absent, but when I am, I feel so terrible, like I’m a bad mum for not going, that I should be there and that I’m being selfish not going, but some races make me so anxious that I can’t eat or sleep for the whole competition weekend. Hope I’m not alone in this?

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DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 28/08/2025 12:38

Why do you tell a white lie, instead of telling him the truth? You could say - I'm so proud of you but I'm so scared watching you race that I don't want it to affect your race! I am thinking of you the minute you leave until you're home again, though, and I can't wait to hear how you've got on Etc

I am not in this situation but my attitude would be go and support and do my best to hide my anxiety or learn to pretend to be optimistic and ok with it all.

What sort of racing, why are you anxious?

mynamesnotsam · 28/08/2025 12:38

Can you elaborate a bit? What sort of racing? What do you feel anxious about? Do you worry about him getting hurt or not doing well and being upset? Do you struggle with anxiety generally? People might me able to advise better with a bit more information.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 28/08/2025 12:38

Why do you tell a white lie, instead of telling him the truth? You could say - I'm so proud of you but I'm so scared watching you race that I don't want it to affect your race! I am thinking of you the minute you leave until you're home again, though, and I can't wait to hear how you've got on Etc

I am not in this situation but my attitude would be go and support and do my best to hide my anxiety or learn to pretend to be optimistic and ok with it all.

What sort of racing, why are you anxious?

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MummyCG87 · 28/08/2025 12:59

He does Motorsports, I get anxious because I’ve seen children get seriously hurt and also when things don’t go well he gets very upset and it’s awful to see your child so upset.

No I don’t generally get anxious, only really when he races. It’s very difficult to hide it, if I could just switch it off I would. When I do go, I tend to go and stand by myself a couple of races beforehand so he can’t see me, as that’s when my anxiousness starts to build up more and more, but he knows I’m there watching as he’ll see me on the stands when he’s about to go out, so I’ll just wave or blow a kiss.

Sometimes if it’s a race close to home, I just drive on the race day, it’s the long weekend races ie Thursday through Sunday that I struggle with the most, as I don’t sleep, I can barely eat, and I just get really anxious and 4 days is a long time to feel that way! The weekends where it’s just testing Saturday and racing Sunday isn’t too bad, I tend to go to all those ones.

I feel an 8 year old wouldn’t fully understand me saying the real reason I’m not going, hence the white lie, he accepts it when I say no one to have the dog. I don’t want to say to him “I’m scared” as that will make him scared and he shouldn’t be in that mindset, he loves it and enjoys it and that’s how I want it to stay; I don’t want to put it in his mind that I’m scared or there is anything to be scared of.

i know lots of mums don’t go at all for the same reason; they just can’t watch and I was looking for advice off those mums who understand what I’m going through rather than having to explain myself, as I know parents of any one who does a dangerous sport will just get it. But I do appreciate your input, and trying to understand, thank you.

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Untailored · 28/08/2025 13:07

I think what you’re doing is fine - you support him in lots of ways and he doesn’t mind when you don’t go.

What you need to work on is your guilt. Feeling guilty is the bedrock of parenting - I challenge you to find any parent who doesn’t feel guilty about something! If wasn’t this it would be something else. Stop beating yourself up about this - you sound like a great mum.

MummyCG87 · 28/08/2025 13:15

Thank you, I appreciate that, I totallly agree we all feel guilt for different things don’t we… I feel like these longer weekends I can’t go for my own health as well, I’ve done it a few times and made myself ill from not eating, not sleeping, constant state of anxiety. Even though I still feel that way at home, I’m able to switch it off for a bit by doing something to take my mind off it, I sleep better as I’m at home and not at the tracks where it’s noisy all the time. He also calls me whenever he wants to, so if he has a bad race he’ll face time me and we speak about it, and I still get to calm him down. It’s just when your there the atmosphere is so intense and I think I that’s what I struggle with the most…. Escaping the atmosphere, and just watching from home. But I still can’t shake the guilt feeling. This weekend is one of them and I think that’s what made me write the post. I was just looking for someone to tell me my feelings are justified lol. I take him to all his testing, and I go to all his weekend races, just not these long weekends anymore, as I can’t handle it. This weekends race is 4 hours drive away so not really feasible to drive up on both race days and back! :(

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