How to help a friend who is struggling

[Rosiebun]

Posting here as I wasn’t sure where else to post. I have a friend who has a 6 month old son, I have a 4 month old baby girl.

I’ll admit that we are having very different motherhood experiences - her boyfriend works away a lot and although my DH works a standard 9-5, he doesn’t have a long commute so is usually home by 5.30 at the latest. She took like a duck to water to breastfeeding whereas I had some struggles, colicky baby and PPD.

anyway, this isn’t about me but I just wanted to highlight that we are having some different experiences to one another. We’ve been friends for about 5 years (met at work) and I know she is struggling with being on her own with the baby a lot.

we meet up weekly for coffee or for a walk, my LO is a bit too small for play groups yet but we will probably do that too when she gets bigger. We also did baby sensory together a few times.

because my DH is at home more, I’m able to go out to Pilates or the gym for an hour, a couple of times a week. This is something that really really helps my mental health and I prioritise it, however selfish that may be.

I feel like my friend resents me for this. I have suggested we go to the gym together on a Sunday morning (her boyfriend is home on the weekend) but she doesn’t want to. I’ve suggested we go for a walk on our own without the babies, or even dinner, a drink or a film. She doesn’t want to, but has openly said she wishes she had more time to herself/to spend with her friends without the baby. i’m not sure how to help her as it feels like everything I suggest she says no to, any suggestions? Again, I don’t want to seem insensitive in any way as I know she has a tough time on her own. But I just don’t know how to help??

edit: I’ve also asked her if she wants me to watch her son for an hour while she has some time to herself. But she’s also said no to this

Sounds like you've offered plenty and are trying hard to be a good friend. It might just be that she needs to offload about her struggles with the situation. An hour here and there is a drop in the ocean compared to the massive adjustment to motherhood of having so much free time to so little. But it's not your job to solve it for her- youve tried, now just listen and sympathise.

Edited to add: don't feel guilty for the pilates/gym a couple of times a week- you absolutely should be doing that! I doubt it's resentment on her part; probably just wistfulness for a time when she could do as she pleased....

You aren’t especially close
you’ve offered to have baby. She’s declined.

job done

although why your friends with someone who “resents” you is… not healthy

Just seen your recent threads OP

you are having one hell of a difficult time yourself. Distance yourself from anyone who “resents” you for anything.

To be fair we don't know that her friend resents her. OP is giving herself a pretty hard time for doing the bare minimum for herself. She may well be projecting.

OP please try and give yourself a break, in all senses! You can't fix everything.

I feel like my friend resents me for this.

in any event, this OP is really really struggling according to recent threads so should distance herself from any negativity

You are right, I don’t know for a fact she feels like that, just the impression I get. And yes I have had a really difficult few months, but I don’t feel like I can talk about it with my friend because I know she finds it difficult too (for different reasons)

Still disagree. The kneejerk 'drop them then' response is pervasive on here- sometimes the right decision, sometimes not. Sometimes, two friends struggling can find a way to be there for each other in a healthy way, each giving and taking what's right for them at the time. Not easy to learn but very very powerful.

Apologies- that was a response to @Tracklement , not you OP. Don't let random strangers tell you who you should and shouldn't be friends with- trust yourself. I haven't read your other threads but hope things improve for you soon.

@napody thank you :) we have been friends a long time so I wouldn’t fall out with her about it, I just feel like I keep trying to help and I don’t know how best to support her when also going through a difficult time myself

This Op is very very far from being in a good place herself

so my advise is focus on herself and friends that don’t make her feel like she should be doing more

When I was having a difficult time with my baby, the suggestion to just leave the baby with someone and go out was really not what I wanted. I'd have to pump milk, sterilize stuff etc. Get ready after a night of zero sleep. It was more work than it was worth. An hour here and there is not what I needed.

And if the DH is away a lot and can't be trusted with the baby, then she'll just come back to a shitstorm IF he even allows her to go out anyway.

I have a close friend who claimed she didn't want to leave the baby. Everyone gossiped about what a martyr she was
The real truth was her DH flat out refused to watch the baby, ever, even for an hour, but she was too embarrassed to admit it to anyone except me.

I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong, I'm just explaining why she is not taking you up on your offer.

@Tracklement thank you ❤️

@SunnyChubby234 yeah, that makes sense. I suppose it’s just everytime I see her she’s saying how she’s desperate for some time away, I think offering to help is a helpful thing for me to do but I think it’s having the opposite effect

I couldn’t have left my baby at that age. But I did want company. Perhaps just invite her for more walks/coffees with the babies or just invite her and the baby round to yours for a couple of hours every few days. Motherhood is best done together.

I think if you have had PPD it can be very hard to see the wood from the trees. I have a 4 month old and although I have it easy in lots of ways I still feel quite hormonal and react to small things quite strongly. I'm also not at a stage of life where I have the bandwidth to help other people!

It really isn't your problem if she doesn't have time to do an exercise class. She shouldn't be resenting you for it when you also have a small baby. It sounds like her partner needs to step up.

You're overthinking this which is kind of you but she doesn't want to leave her baby to do other things, which is understandable, but if she kept saying it I'd point out she doesn't want to leave the baby with her boyfriend and hadn't taken up my offer to babysit so there's not a lot she can do.

There are things she can do with baby. I did mummyfit and baby yoga.

Having a baby is an adjustment but the fact is you don't get a lot of time for yourself!

OP, you are struggling. Very badly. Focus on numero 1. You

@Brothisbest noted. Thank you everyone ❤️

She may just not be ready yet to leave her baby. She might like the idea of it and wish for some more time to herself but not be ready and think baby is to young. It’s nice of you to offer but she said no, so maybe wait another 6 months and offer again if she’s still struggling.