Anyone find it easier to parent alone?

[Ladybuglamp]

Currently on mat leave with a nearly 2yo and 3mo. DH took a month off work to help when the baby was born as I was recovering from a C section and needed help with the toddler. I found this time incredibly stressful - my toddler was having lots of tantrums, bumps and injuries, the house was a chaotic mess and we kept going on these disastrous outings to places where everyone was upset.

DH returned to work and things settled. Toddler calmed down. I was able to lift her and look after her properly again, and I found my routine. Don’t get me wrong, its still hard looking after two on my own. There are times when I’m trying to put one down for a nap or make dinner, and everyone is just screaming when I could really do with DH being around to provide an extra set of hands.

He has just taken a week off work to spend time with us again. I was really looking forward to it, but I feel like things have returned to the horrible chaos of before. He gets so stressed about leaving the house to go out and starts being really huffy and stressy when the kids are crying. He gets up early with toddler and when I come down with baby an hour later, the house is absolutely trashed - toys, food and clothes everywhere. He spills drinks and accidentally poured a bag of frozen raspberries all over the kitchen floor which then got all over the toddler and all over the house. He lets her rips books and break toys, or hurt herself all the time.
I have noticed her behaviour is also a lot worse around him - biting and grabbing and tantrums - even though she definitely favours him over me at the moment.
He tries his best and wants to be helpful but I really can’t wait for him to go back to work. I feel like it’s just easier if I do it all myself…

Yes, I used to prefer it when DH was working away, life was easier. When he was home it was like I gained another child to tidy up after. Plus, he’d say he was tired, yet while away he got to sleep as long as he liked and had no cleaning/cooking to do!

Oh god no, the opposite for me! It was so nice to be able to share the load and have an adult to talk to. I remember the hours 1500-1800 used to feel like forever (the mornings weren’t so bad as I’d do chores and go out for a walk), waiting for him to come home.

My husband and I have always been 50/50 though, even before children, in terms of housework, mental load, work etc. Having him around was so much easier and I loved the feeling of doing things as a family. I hated mat leave on my own and couldn’t wait to get back to work! Conversely my husband loved his parental leave when I went back to work, so maybe it’s me who is the problem!!!

Yes!! I have two kids similar age. My husband has returned to the office after working at home since Covid and honestly everything feels so much more calm and easier !

Same here. I look forward to weekends and holidays when DH can share the load (2 dcs so we often have one each). My eldest does after school clubs 3 days so I can pick her up later and minimise that after school - DH coming home period! He is the calmer presence in the house and is great at pulling his weight without asking.

Sounds like weaponised incompetence? Maybe 50/50 for yous could look a bit different, like day on/ day off (incl cleaning up). Not the idyllic family life, I know, but he is gonna have to step up his game

Yeah I think it's fine to have different standards but you have to take care splitting the consequences as well as the actual kids time.
We tend to go for one parent one child but I like the idea of one day each including cleanup. Whatever works for you.

In kindness, I think feeling like this is probably a bit of a red flag that your partner may be... not the best you can do. Honestly so many men are really quite low quality. I feel this more and more strongly as I get older.

I have an almost 7 month old DD, when she was a tiny newborn it was amazing having DH at home on paternity, but since she’s become more alert/aware/mobile with a personality it feels difficult with DH at home, he tries to soothe or settle her in his own way (doesn’t listen to me on how to do it) and she has none of it, and makes extra work for me with an overtired cranky crying baby. He tries to feed her in weird positions?! So she wont drink her bottle and fusses, or he plays with her and leaves her playroom an absolute tip, generally just making more work for me. Or he insists shes tired before her wake window finishes and wonders why she wont go to sleep despite me saying not to do this. It is exhausting, I have days where I really really really miss him and cant wait til the weekend but it always becomes a palava lately. Hoping it will pass.