What to do when they won't let the other person walk away (kids)?

[rainbowduplo]

Can anyone offer some ideas for how to handle a 4 year old who has realised that following someone will get them to react? I.e. when they're angry or upset and trying to walk away from a situation before it escalates.

My daughter will NOT relent and let you walk away. She infuriatingly walks inches behind you. She'll rush to get through a door before you can close it, which has resulted in trapped fingers more than once. I'm a grown ass woman and I struggle to hold my temper when I'm actively trying to walk away from a situation, but for her older brother who is only 6 this is usually enough to send him over the edge. Walking away is a go-to management technique in this household. If someone is playing rough, or it's too loud, or you're being wound up...walk away. Totally didn't foresee it being consciously weaponised (rookie error!).

When I speak with her about it she'll say she's following because she doesn't want to be alone (which is a running theme, she doesn't even like to go upstairs by herself), but often times the alternate option isn't actually solitude as it's the person who is trying to leave who is seeking time by themselves. There are other playmates or company available for the little one, so I really don't think that's actually what's going on.

Causing a lot of tension in the house when someone has managed to be the bigger person and walk away only to be followed and pushed past their breaking point. Would be great to have some ideas I can give to DS6 of what to say/do. Noone likes losing their temper, so we're trying to avoid it really.

I say this with sincerity, have you never reached a point where you say "I need a minute to calm down" and then leave a situation to gather yourself? I mean with another person within your age range? Or even with children I suppose, if the other option was to speak in anger. Not instantly as soon as conflict arrises that you exit, but if it reaches a point where you can feel yourself getting cross and the situation isn't resolving itself, is this never an acceptable solution? Sometimes negotiating just doesn't work, sometimes you don't have the patience, sometimes someone might just be really pushing your buttons. Do you seriously never reach the point where you lose your temper? I feel like losing my temper is losing control, so in that moment I'd rather take a breath and walk away. Feels way better than allowing the anger out and regretting it later. I've used it my entire life. It's been extremely effective. I use it when someone else (again referring to people within my age bracket here rather than as a parenting technique) is angry and in the moment there's no reasoning with them, or when I can feel my own anger reaching breaking point. It offers everyone time to cool off, and then you come back when calm and finish the discussion. This is the sort of thing I'm teaching the children, if it reaches the point where they feel like they're going to yell or get angry then it's okay to exit the situation rather than stay and shout. It astounds me how many people on this thread are saying that walking away isn't acceptable.

Thing is when we’re angry, it’s rarely actually about the thing we’re arguing about. It doesn’t actually matter who has the blue cup. So letting go of the thing that’s sparked the quarrel and choosing to be nice to each other is perfectly possible, once you know it’s an option.

We tend not to tell anyone it’s an option. Takes a lifetime of hard won knocks.

If you feel you haven't got your point across, someone walking away is incredibly frustrating.

Would it help if he said I need to walk away for 2 minutes then I'll come back? A lot to ask of a 6yo admittedly 😅 but depending on the situation, walking away isn't necessarily defusing a situation, it is making it impossible for one party to put their side across.

@rainbowduplo obviously yes I have had a few moments when DS was getting to me and I had to walk away for a sec but they have been very few and far between. As an adult, you need to control your anger before it gets to that kind of point.

And adult to adult - I hand on heart never just walked away from someone. Maybe there is a lot of tension in your house but if DH walked away from me in an argument, well, that would definitely ENRAGE me. Seriously, I can't think of anything more frustrating (in a normal, non-abusive household) than DH walking away when I'm trying to get my point across or something. Maybe we haven't had big enough fights, I don't know. But that doesn't sound right.

@SunnyChubby234

I'm aware this is going on a massive tangent from things I can say to DS, but I'm interested in the topic so I hope it's okay if I'm inquisitive with you! So many people say 'you need to control your anger', if I google 'how to control anger in the moment' literally the second suggestion is to remove yourself from the situation 😂

I'd love to hear more suggestions if you've taken a number of deep breaths and your body isn't getting the message that the fight or flight mode isn't needed at this second. Maybe I've just had too many argumentative people in my life. Over the last 40 years I can think of a good many situations where I've said 'continuing to bat this back and forth is getting us nowhere so I'm going to step out' or something similar. Not limited to romantic situations, all sorts of examples, including siblings! Or a scene on TV where two characters are getting into a heated debate and what would happen next? Either they'd argue/fight, or someone would say 'walk away'. Walk away rather than escalate, if it's getting to that point. I'm genuinely talking about times where you're on the very brink of losing your temper, and you don't want to. You say if your DH would try to walk away it would enrage you - what would you do if enraged? If it's not rude to ask. I'm really curious about the other ways people handle themselves.

Losing my temper is what I've been told my whole life to avoid (99% of the time anyway), losing your temper shows you weren't in control of your emotions, and that's the thing you should be in control of...so if I'm enraged I'd rather excuse myself so I can calm down. I don't just flounce out, but I will say 'If I stay here I'm going to get angry, so I'm going to go' or 'I don't want to speak with you whilst you're this angry, if you'd still like to discuss this when you're calmer we can try again later'.

I would never walk away and close the door on a young upset child, that is scary rejection, stone walling them

Another tip
other than deep breaths is to hum or sing something soothing and repetetive it slows the heart beat.

or just sit and cuddle your child

You have to reprogramme your reactions- process what lies underneath the rage, and deal with that.

I used to be very angry, though generally self controlled. I did some therapy for various reasons and it was life altering. It really unpicked why other people were so frustrating.

I can’t speak for you, I don’t know what’s behind it for you. But people generally aren’t out to annoy. It’s a misunderstanding or a lack of impulse control. Your dc don’t lie awake at night scheming how to wind you up.

So basically if people push your buttons, it’s better to reduce the number of buttons you have. It’s within your control so it’s far more effective than trying to get other people to leave your buttons alone!

In addition to deeper work, basic stress management is useful. Teach your ds how to relax, how to be mindful, and he won’t get so cross. To be clear, not techniques to use when you are getting annoyed. Techniques to use every day to be a more mellow person, so you don’t need techniques for in the heat of the moment!

But you’re teaching them that they can never get angry and shout. Why can’t they get angry and shout? Why should they walk away and seethe? We yell and then apologise. Your DD is never going to learn that she’s annoying if she’s not told, and if that means she needs it be yelled at once in a while, so be it. She’ll soon learn. Your son is being taught to keep a lid on his anger, which can’t be good for him. I appreciate that no one wants a house full of anger and shouting but to never allow it seems odd to me.

I can honestly say that, no, I’ve never felt the need to walk away to calm down. We ‘let it out’ in this house, apologies are given as often and freely as yelling. And we just move on. It’s all forgotten very quickly. Doesn't walking away and taking time to calm down make a situation last longer and take longer to resolve?

4 year old and you feel it's ok to have a bad temper and walk away. The poor child probably feels abandoned, wants a loving mummy and wondering what the heck is going on. They do not deliberately follow you at this age to wind you as an adult parent. Having my own large family from 15 down to twin 3 year olds not one child has ever done this and neither have I ever lost my temper around them. If you can't adequately control yourself then you need to get some help.

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn In my experience yelling triggers the brain's fight or flight response, hindering logical thought and making situations unproductive. People can say things they don't really mean, which is hurtful to the person who hears them and sometimes the one who says them if they then feel guilty. If your entire household has or has learned the ability to yell and move on then that's what works for all of you.

Walking away, when done respectfully with the intent to calm down, has always spoken to me as a sign of strength and self-control, allowing space for rational thought and a potential future discussion, whereas yelling has the potential to create defensiveness and a need to repair. Yes if yelling has occurred (which I appreciate it will do from time to time) then modelling how to repair the situation is another life skill in itself. When one of the kids has lost their temper we talk about it, how it can make you feel and how to make amends. We also talk to the one who was yelled at, usually about how to be less annoying...but also about how being yelled at feels etc. On the whole though our household tries not to escalate. Yes it probably does take longer in one way, but then no-one is left processing things they may wish they hadn't said or heard which could take a good long while to process if you're not the sort to leave arguments behind instantaneously. I certainly feel a lot worse if I've yelled than if I've managed to walk away. My son seems to be the same, but perhaps that's to be expected now he's had me for a mother. Perhaps if he'd been born into your family then a different reaction to yelling would mean he brushes it off. Fascinating when you drill into it.

Thank you for taking the time to input. If you see my further responses you'll see I'm speaking about how to help the children to avoid and/or deal with conflict, not parenting techniques. Saying I feel infuriated doesn't mean I've acted on it, but my 6 year old will get to the point where he says "I'm going to walk away" (which I personally think is blooming mega that he can do that at 6, even sometimes!) and she'll then either try to prevent him from leaving or follow him around so that he can't escape her. If I have ever had someone (like a peer or a spouse or a sibling, to make it clear) either prevent me from leaving or follow me around when I'm trying to leave I would be supremely aggravated, so I can totally understand it sending my 6 year old over the edge. Came on here to see if there were any techniques I could offer them to guide them through it. Calling for me seems to be the best/only solution. Evidently I worded my OP poorly has a great many responses have been similar to yours. But that's okay, I personally know how I'm parenting and that I'm not stonewalling/abandoning my 4 year old, people misreading the OP isn't going to change the reality of the situation into something that it isn't.

If you feel you haven't got your point across, someone walking away is incredibly frustrating.

But maybe the other person feels you have got your point across, and they're frustrated by what they see as you not listening to them when they want you to drop it?

@myplace sorry i missed your reply! That's genuinely really helpful, thank you :) I'd love the name of your therapist! I feel like I'm always battling the flames and not the source. I know how to appear calm, how to stop myself giving into the anger, taking a deep breath, walk away, stay fit, try and get outdoors in nature as much as possible etc, but none of it actually seems to sort out the actual roots of the issue (the number of buttons as you put it). I always just thought this is how I was and I had to learn how to not let the anger out, which is what I've been modelling and trying to teach the kids. I rarely lose my temper these days, but the temper is absolutely still there, I just don't let it out. I've read so many books and it's always 'take a deep breath, make sure you exercise, get some sleep, eat well, get fresh air and walk away before you yell'. That's it. I do those things and so I can suppress the beast but it's still there. The idea you can actually remove the buttons is....I mean....that would actually be life changing. If I could teach them that at their age rather than mine, that would be the best gift I could ever give them!

I haven’t kept track of the therapist. I can recommend some books!

Boundaries by Cloud and Nouen
This is about identifying the problem, who it’s a problem for and so on. It helps you work out what’s actually worth getting upset about. It stops you being cross with other people when they are ‘doing things wrong’. It stops you reacting to their misbehaviour to you, as well.

Toddler taming Christopher Green
i know she isn’t a toddler, but the attitude about not sweating the small stuff is helpful and worth a reminder.

Personal observations- anger often comes from trying to control things. Having expectations of other people is normal, but we get cross when those expectations aren’t met.
Truly respecting other people, including your dc, means understanding that they have different priorities, different goals and moods in any given moment and that’s ok.
Frustration and anger crops up when other people get in the way of the internal plan you’ve mapped out. When you realise they have their own internal plan, and have as much right to be following it as you do yours, life gets much calmer.

Plus doing the work on stress management- the yoga, walks, candles, etc- every day, so there’s less to explode with when you get there.

Also, @rainbowduplo , it’s worth doing the work for fear of the time when you may become less inhibited and can no longer exercise that amazing self control! I don’t want to be the anger woman in a corner of the nursing home, grumbling away and bellowing with rage when something goes wrong!