What to do when they won't let the other person walk away (kids)?

[rainbowduplo]

Can anyone offer some ideas for how to handle a 4 year old who has realised that following someone will get them to react? I.e. when they're angry or upset and trying to walk away from a situation before it escalates.

My daughter will NOT relent and let you walk away. She infuriatingly walks inches behind you. She'll rush to get through a door before you can close it, which has resulted in trapped fingers more than once. I'm a grown ass woman and I struggle to hold my temper when I'm actively trying to walk away from a situation, but for her older brother who is only 6 this is usually enough to send him over the edge. Walking away is a go-to management technique in this household. If someone is playing rough, or it's too loud, or you're being wound up...walk away. Totally didn't foresee it being consciously weaponised (rookie error!).

When I speak with her about it she'll say she's following because she doesn't want to be alone (which is a running theme, she doesn't even like to go upstairs by herself), but often times the alternate option isn't actually solitude as it's the person who is trying to leave who is seeking time by themselves. There are other playmates or company available for the little one, so I really don't think that's actually what's going on.

Causing a lot of tension in the house when someone has managed to be the bigger person and walk away only to be followed and pushed past their breaking point. Would be great to have some ideas I can give to DS6 of what to say/do. Noone likes losing their temper, so we're trying to avoid it really.

Then don't walk away. Sit down with a book. Sort the socks. Deep clean the toilet bowl.... the list is endless.

This was described to me by a family support worker as when you’re in an argument with your husband or partner and one of you follows the other around the house continuing the argument. It made me view it differently.

what’s another thing you could do aside from walk away?

Why do you need to walk away when she is acting up? How does this help her in any way. Is she loud, tell her she needs to lower her voice. Break this habit of walking away.

Well I would say a parent needs to step in before it's getting to this point for your son.

If it's an adult that is trying to walk away from a 4 year old then they need to learn to get control of themselves and deal with the situation calmly.

As much as I'd love my 6 year old to sit and sort the socks unfortunately I don't think that's realistic.

Well it’s not working this time. She’s sounds scared by it. Surely this is setting up an anxious attachment style? Anytime anything kicks off, mummy walks away.

Try some other method

This is interesting. Honestly I have a temper, and have learned that exiting is better than yelling so this is a technique I've been sharing with the children to help them avoid getting into spats. I'm interested to learn something else I could teach them, and potentially learn myself. Open to anything you could share!

I think that’s the point the PP was making - YOU sit and sort socks or something equally dull instead of walking away. She won’t want to sort socks so may leave you alone?

My son does this. Comes in, winds me up and then follows me everywhere. He’s 16 and has always done it. Back when he was younger I’d go for a smoke and lock the back door so he couldn’t follow me but he’d be there bashing the door, which didn’t allow me to calm down at all. I even went as far as going outside and locking myself in the car but he’d follow and bash the windows. Relentless.

Oh sorry just realised the 6 year old is the one walking away not the annoying one following.

Id say she needs a consequence to following her brother when he is trying to get some space. It’s one thing saying she doesn’t want to be away from you but following her brother when he’s trying to avoid an argument by leaving is just deliberately annoying. I suspect the natural consequence sooner or later will be that he hits out or shouts at her!!

Walking away is a go-to management technique in this household. If someone is playing rough, or it's too loud, or you're being wound up...walk away.

For your 6 year old I would continue with this approach BUT add on “… and if they follow you, tell a grown up who will help sort it out.”

For you and any other parents I would amend this to “don’t just walk away, explain that they are being too rough or loud or annoying, and if they carry on anyway, impose a consequence” The consequence may well be that you have to leave the room - but you explain that that’s because they can’t seem to stop being rough/loud etc even when asked.

DH has “walk away” as his go to technique and it’s bloody annoying as it means I’m the one left doing the actual parenting where you try to teach them not to behave that way. I don’t think it’s a great go to for a parent tbh.

I don't think you've grasped what OP is saying the 4YR OLD follows people around. The 6YR OLD is trying to walk away. There are two children.

I think the problem here is that, although I can relate with the need of walking away, the child perceives it as abandonment. I did try on occasions with my own Ds, same age and the reaction is the same. So I stopped. While er see it as managing technique, for her is being left.
Maybe try and stay in the moment with her and take a break after the storm?

I think my original post has caused some confusion. Was asking for ideas for my 6 year old son, not me.

I have the ability to control myself without exiting, but when she does it to her brother he gets very cross by it. Something I can understand as I also find it infuriating, but as the mum I can manage my emotions. Had lots of practice. I've been teaching them that when someone annoys you you can walk away, but then when DS does this he's followed and not allowed the space and time to defuse.

I can and do intervene/try to distract DD but the long term goal is to teach both of them ways to resolve or avoid conflict, and manage their emotions, so I'd see this as part of the journey to getting there. They might not learn it for years, I'm not expecting it to be a quick fix, just thinking of techniques I could teach them when dealing with people who won't quit....as these people seem to exist throughout life 😂 and yelling at them doesn't help anyone!

Yes exactly, thank you for getting it!

Yes this is very much the consequence at the moment, but DS6 then feels terrible that he shouted, so been trying to help him find ways to avoid getting mad as he doesn't like it when he gets angry. Have also tried saying sometimes we get mad and that's a natural response. So many emotions to explain!!

My son used to do that. Turns out he was hangry. You could think has she eaten, is she tired and needs quiet time etc.

identify an alone space somewhere in the house that your son is allowed to go to - a little pop up tent or blanket tent maybe . Construct rules around its use that all parties have explained . Cross fingers . In reality I think 4 and 6 is very young to get this one sorted

Your son needs to come and find yourself or his father if his sister is following him around harassing him.

the easy way is that he retreats to a space where she is not allowed.

the socially acceptable one in all situations is the bathroom.

you can then reinforce to her that she is not allowed in the bathroom while he is and give consequences.

other alternatives - if they have their own bedroom then they are only allowed in the other’s bedroom with permission.

again, reinforces the idea of private space.

This is always an available option, and it's not like they're not in ear shot 99% of the time. Often if I involve myself too early I make it worse, so it's a question of trying to balance the times I'm needed with the ones where they'll work it out amicably if given the space. However definitely an idea to remind 6 that we're always on call/not exactly far away. Sometimes a prompt helps!

I'm sorry, OP. You've asked a really good question and the first flurry of replies are either people who can't read or people who think stating your question right back at you is helpful!

I think there might need to be more work with her when she's calm to give HER alternatives. I can well believe she's using a legitimate fear to manipulate people here but she could also be using the only language she has to explain something else e.g "Don't leave me. I can tell you haven't understood why I'm cross and I need more time to talk it through" or "Don't go! I don't mean to upset you but I need your help to calm down!" Understanding her will help her immensely.
How does she calm down when she's angry? Is she a child who needs to be left (or at least ignored) until it's fizzled out or does she appreciate someone actively calming her?

Either way, this isn't for your 6yr old to deal with. Can you teach him to come and find an adult for help? Walking away is great (unlike other PPs I don't see why the 4yr old's demand for attention period the 6yr old's need for space) and this allows him to place an adult between him and his sister while he finds space. You deal with the strop, he runs away.

I don't know what you as an adult can do though. How would she feel if she had a tent or similar in her room and she was sent to scream in there while you sat in the same room? You would have a moment to breathe but you wouldn't be leaving her.

Firstly, not an acceptable parenting technique to just walk away. I understand this is more about your son, but you said yourself you do it and you taught him to do it.

Secondly, you intervene. She's 4. She's too young to understand her brother is annoyed and is trying to just calm himself down or whatever. She probably sees it as abandonment. And she has also figured she can get a reaction which when you're 4 and panicked, is better than no reaction. As a parent, you step in and impose consequences.

I also don't think just always walking away is something to teach. He should be able to voice his / her frustration too and negotiate the situation. He's going to grow into an adult who thinks stonewalling someone is acceptable.

@CremeEggsForBreakfast thank you for your reply!

Honestly we're in something of a transition period with DD and I'm not quite sure what works. Up until now she's been very easily distracted or at least accepted a cuddle to calm down, but she's becoming a lot more determined in her responses of late, and her reactions to not getting her own way or being told 'no' are also a lot more extreme. I can understand why, we've recently moved which has caused a lot of upheaval, and also school is looming. There's a lot going on. I'm trying to upgrade my parenting to match but I'm not getting there fast enough.

I do think the thread has helped, ultimately if DS has reached the point of walking away and she won't let him go then I need to remind him he can walk straight to an adult and we'll intervene. Have used this in the past when there's a dispute, but a reminder is likely overdue. The next issue then is there's resentment from DS that DD gets the adult attention when she was the one irritating him, but that's a whole different hurdle.

Will reiterate this option to both kids, and hope it calms down. I feel like it's going to get worse before it gets better when we have two exhausted from school and all that goes with it. But hey, parenting is all about the long game!

Can you suggest he offers her a hug and says, let’s stop fighting?