3 year old separation anxiety starting nursery

[Mummabear04]

DS is 3 years old just started nursery this week and is having a very hard time at drop off. He is crying and constantly saying "dont leave me mummy!" He's been with me up until now and other than that DH or DP would look after him when I was working (just one day a week). I absolutely love having DS at home, he is my wee buddy and we are so similar. Sometimes he will ask just to sit on the sofa to have a cuddle, he is such a sweet affectionate boy. So far he's just been for x2 mornings and I've picked him up after lunch but once he is settled he will be due to go x2 full days. I find it absolutely heartbreaking leaving him when he is crying and since getting home today he has talked about how sad he is that I left him (a lot!). I feel so guilty but he is definitely ready for nursery and usually is such a social little guy and finds it easy to make friends, he will just initiate play or wave or chat away to other kids but it seems starting nursery has terrified him. The staff are lovely and have shown me photos/videos of him once I leave. He seems to be ok but they said he's had a few wobbles throughout each morning. I feel so guilty every time he says "dont leave me mummy" or "i just didn't want you to leave mummy, I just wanted you to stay."

Is there anything I can do to make it easier for him? Ive tried reasurring him that I will always come back, that he is safe, that the teachers will help him, that there are lots of fun things to do at nursery, tried saying "when you are 3 you go to nursery and when you are 5 you go to school," but tonight he just kept saying, "mummy I wish I was 2!" My heart can't take much more!

Get Dad to drop him off for the next few sessions. He’ll likely find the separation easier. Also, no idea if this is feasible but 4 half days quickly becomes part of the regular routine far quicker than 2 full days despite being the same number of hours.

@Bitzee my DH has offered to drop him off instead. Do you really think it might help? Its 2 full days or nothing I'm afraid so at least my working day is covered and DH can up his hours at work too. I agree that if he were to go more often then it would help but it's just not an option.

@Mummabear04 I have been in your exact position ❤️ It’s so so hard. I had days where DS and I sat in the corridor with his key worker for an hour with him screaming because he physically could not be prised off of me.

My DS is such a sensitive little guy and I honestly felt like the worst mum in the world leaving him but gradually he settled in 😊 I won’t lie - it took us a good while - probably a good 4-6 weeks for it to start getting easier but he got there and he absolutely loves it now. And his nursery are incredible.

Will it normally be yourself who does drop off and pick up?

Will he be in nursery all year or is it term time only?

@EnchantedToMeetYou2 thank you so much for sharing this. It gives me hope that my little one can get there too. It's such a big change for them. Do you have any tips to help other than time? I've just felt awful all day, my poor wee boy!

I always thought I would day 1 and DH would do day 2 as I can't drop him off due to my job. DH has offered to do drop off on both days but I feel very bad because he has a lot on his plate at the moment (his DP is dying) and our older DC insisted on DH dropping her off every day at nursery (she also hated it but a different nursery) and that I would pick her up so he always got the hard part and I got the good end of day part. It feels very unfair for him to have to do all that again with the extra stress of his DP on top of that. I can do both days for a few more weeks but then I will return to work after the summer and DH will have to do day 2 at least.

DS is all year round but my plan is to drop off/pick up with school hours (older DC). Not sure how it will work during the school holidays if DC1 is off school.

Aww I totally understand this feeling, sending hugs. Our 3 year old struggled to settle at nursery. One of the things that helped us was speaking to the nursery about it and putting a plan in place so that she could bond with her key worker. We also made her a family book - which is a book with pictures of us and her favourite things in it, she keeps it in her tray and can look through it whenever she needs to. Nursery also encouraged her to bring a comfort object in - which helped her to have something to focus on when going in. We went through books about going to nursery at home too. I hope things improve for you all soon!

@Mummabear04 Honestly, I cried myself to sleep non stop for about a month. I felt horrendous. But it’s been the best thing for DS. Your DS will get there, just be consistent 😊

Does nursery have anything that they use like an App of anything? DS’s have an app and each child has a “special book” with pictures of what they’ve been up to etc. I used to send in some pics of stuff we’d done that week and his key worker would have the pics ready to have him help put them into his special book. He was able to then chat to his key worker about what we’d done and it helped him settle.

DS is her task focused and loves to help so the key workers would also have a task ready for him to help one of them with when he arrived - it may be going to set up the gym hall for later, chopping fruit for snack, making fresh playdoh for the day, setting up the water play area etc.

Lots of children take in special objects to carry with them to help them feel comfortable but that didn’t work for DS - he was really worried about it going missing.

If DS tends to be more attached to you than DH then I would recommend you sticking with drop off for a while. It was the separation from me specifically that DS struggled and I felt that being consistent and me doing drop off and pick up was the only was he was going to settle rather than having someone else do it.

I will say that even once he was settled, DS took quite a step back whenever there was a big change to routine for the first year or so - like when all the termtime kids finished up for summer (at the time his nursery had both termtime and full year) and nursery was much quieter, or when it closed for its 2 week Christmas break. He’d go back to being really cling for a good few weeks after so maybe try and avoid having him off for extended periods for the first while if possible 😊