No village

[Allme501]

Hi all,

I’m currently pregnant with my second baby and have almost no village to speak of. I have no mother or mother in law on hand and the other few relatives I have near by are either not capable of doing anything more than basic baby sitting (no changing or meals or taking children out) or are just not reliable enough. I also only have one or two close friends but they have children of their own and work.

I just want to hear from anyone out there parenting in the same situation and who can offer some tips and reassurance please as feeling very overwhelmed and anxious x

Hi,
It can be really difficult when you don't have much of a village - I would say basic babysitting definitely involves changing and at least feeding pre-prepped meals though!

In the above, you don't really talk about your partner, as you're pregnant I assume you have one. They are the biggest tool you need in terms of support. I have a high needs disabled child so here's my advice:

• Talk to your close friends, honestly. Explain you're struggling, suggest you do nights over. 2 of my best friends do a date swap night each month where the mum babysits at the others house and vice versa later in the month. It's really helped them out - doesn't have to be that often.
• Chat to the 'basic babysitters' and ask if they'd be willing to learn or do more. Is it age stopping them? Does changing give them the ick? Have a chat about what you need and see if they ar ewilling to support you further.

we just have my parents, we're so lucky to have them but my brother is about to have a baby and it is concerning for us to 'lose' our only babysitter as our kid is so high needs we are super limited. We are currently trying to train up my other brother and his future wife on how to help out - shes a natural with her so fingers crossed we get it sorted.
It's tough but it can be done. There are also external organisations that can support with child care, look into hiring someone if you need the break.

Hello, I am in a similar position, my mum moved far away and I am rarely able to get support from my MiL. All other family are either far away or not able to help out. It is really hard. Talk to your partner and try to get time for yourself. Even if thats just having a shower or a bath by yourself. On the days when I am really struggling I just think that the people they become will be all down to my (and husbands) hard work ❤️

Well to have a village it works if it mutual so what help do you give others so they may return help to you? People talk of a village usually when they want help but ot doesn't usually work one way

We had no village. Neither did any of our friends in London. Three very simple solutions - babysit for your friends and they can return the favour, find a few good local sitters through local websites/professional agencies, and use nursery staff for sitting.

We had lovely next door neighbours who helped with baby sitting (we lived miles away from family). I had to make effort to go to baby/toddler activities to build up friendship group (we had recently moved to the area when I got pregnant and knew no-one so had no choice but to make a new ‘village’)

We have no family support for our children. The only thing that helped was doing a lot of local baby/ toddler groups to make friends. Obviously they all had tiny kids so didn’t do loads of childcare then but it made such a difference and socialising could be tailored around kids.

Now they’re older these local friends are like family to my children and we all help each other.

We don't have any family or friends to help and to be honest it's been fine for us. DH is very hands on and his work is flexible so he's always able to wfh if I need him to look after one dc, if I need to take the other one out. We're not very sociable, and not keen on babysitting for others, so we don't do babysitting swaps.

My youngest is starting school-based nursery in a few weeks and I've been able to do most chores and errands with her in tow, and haven't felt the need for babysitters except for a handful of medical appointments, when DH looked after her. But I don't go out with friends much so I've not needed a sitter for socialising. I don't have date nights with DH although we go out to places with the dcs that we would go to as a couple, eg restaurants, theatre and exhibitions. We've had a bit of child-free time on holidays with kids clubs and this summer when they've gone to holiday playschemes, but only in the past few months since dc2 turned 3.

Hi ,
I’ll try to keep it short but anyways I’m just struggling so much lately. I’m thinking about seeking therapy…

it all stems from not really having a mother figure in my life.
i wanted to be close with the mother in law and it seemed like she liked me and enjoyed my company until I found out she was talking about me behind my back. Which that didn’t bother me except she was trying to convince my husband I was a bad person. All lies she was saying and non sense until one day he woke up and told me because he started to believe it.
that I’m trying to take the grandkids away and not let them see them even though they would never babysit or ask about them. They would come over during nap time, which they knew snd then would say I’m trying to keep them from seeing their grandson… That I was a goldigger that will never work, I quit when I had my second child because I didn’t want him to be in daycare all the time. Was actually my husbands idea and we are more than fine financially. Even made fun of the wedding band I picked out they didn’t match my husbands, so our marriage wasn’t as strong according to her. I’m honestly not making this up.

On the other hand my mother is confrontational about everything. Never was loving with me growing up. If I would ask for advice it always flipped around to me being the problem somehow.
one day I was crying will holding my newborn son cause he never slept and I never got any help and I heard her mocking me crying to my dad in the adjacent room. No lie, it sounds surreal.

I just really have no support system and it’s so hard having young kids. I’m starting to think there is something wrong with me, half joking, since these people have been so horrible to me. I’ve always tried my best to be a nice, moral person and no one is perfect but I really don’t deserve this. 😭

I had nobody, not even a husband and all my family lived abroad thousands of miles away It was hard but we did it.
DS now grown up and thanks to my career we both own a house.

Zero village. No help. The only time i had time away from my child was the night in hospital giving birth to my second.

We also couldnt afford daycare. Luckily my job was working from home and flexible but has taken a mad backsest whilst trying to raise children. This september is the first time in 5 and a half years that i am going to be without a child to look after. People keep saying im gonna cry. I am, but not for the reason they think. Ive finally done it. My life can start again 😂

I think you have to try hard not to compare yourself to people that do have support. It's a different lifestyle and you won't be able to do a lot of things that they do. It will get easier but I would stick with 2, I don't think it's a good idea to have a big family without support.

I left my DS dad when he was under a year old. My mum was already frail and elderly so only babysit him a couple of times in his childhood; I also began caring for her. DS dad was not helpful for first few years. Luckily my neighbour (flat above) had a child the same age and she and DS got on great so we babysat for each other. Didn’t go out often anyway but it was good we could help each other out when needed. Also just lots of play dates together helped from ages 3-6. Get to know people who can share childcare with occasionally.

Are you worried about who to leave your child with when you are giving birth ?

We live abroad and have no one here. Our families in the UK would be useless anyway. I think it's better that we're so far away so resentment does not need to build.

All our friends are childless (even though we're mid 30s) so are living a very different life and we have drifted from them massively.

I barely saw another human on mat leave until about 3 months pp when I started going to mum and baby groups, they were really lovely but the friendships were superficial. It's all on me and DH.

Don't compare yourself to people who have involved grandparents. It's a completely different life. They have no idea how lucky they are and there's not much you can do about it. It's just one of those things.

Just think about all the mumsnetters who post about their mad mother-in-law, alcoholic sister, absent father, unstable brother, financially dependent cousins….just be the best parent you can and be thankful you don’t get dragged into family dramas!
You love your little family…life will be great!

What about the baby's father?

To build a village you have to be a village, but there will be lots of people that could be part of it. Go to all the local toddler groups and offer to watch people's kids while they go to change a baby sibling or to hold a baby while they have a coffee, invite them to yours for lunch after - that's the first step to having a bunch of children that can hang about as cousins might, with parents who can step in for one another.

It's honestly worth building these connections in your community. I've probably been in a position (work and family wise) that I've done a lot more favours than I've needed. However, it's still 100% worth it, knowing I have people to call and with every big step, like starting school, having more connections is only a good thing.

Your village is the people that you've gone out of your way to help when the going was easier for you (so probably before children), or those that you have a mutually supportive relationship with now.

So you need to call on those people you have babysat for in the past, those that you have helped and supported in the past, those you have been there for when they needed you in the past. The ones you've invested in and given to.

If you haven't done this - then you failed to build a village, so you can't really expect other people to reciprocate help that you haven't given.

Even now, it's not too late to build a village, but it has to start with you helping others. So talk to the people at baby group and offer days out together - and then when you know them better you could offer to help them with babysitting or play dates, which will probably end up being reciprocated if they are able to - possibly you could look to set up babysitting circles or even just families socialising together so that it spreads the parenting load and the children play together while the adults get to have someone to chat to. Talk to your neighbours - offer to look after their cats or water their garden when they're away - then they will probably offer reciprocal help in return etc.

Villages are mutual support, and are built up over time. If you start investing in your village now, by the time your little ones go to school, you could have a good, mutual supportive group of people who you can call on in times of need (and who you also help in their times of need).

YES!

Hi OP, we have 2 (3 and 9m) and live away from family. We just moved 5 hours away about 3 months ago so literally know no one where we live, and didn’t have any baby sitters in the last place. We get around this by asking the staff at DD1’s nursery if they baby sit! It worked so well in our last place, not needed any sitters yet here but will utilise nursery again hopefully. DD knows them and we trust them, they know her too etc, it’s a really comfortable work around.

Other than that, you and your partner need to work as a team, give eachother a night off to do what you want, read a book, have a bath, go to the gym! Also if you have a local gym with a creche, join it if you can afford it. It’s been great for my mental health on mat leave going to the gym, DD2 in the crèche and DD1 at nursery. On days with no child care sometimes I put baby in the crèche and have 1:1 time with DD1 swimming or something.

@Allme501 I helped a local friend out for looking after first child when she was in hospital giving birth to second child, none of her family lived nearby. The labour was a long drawn out affair, so another friend took over for the second day.

Is that because they are off to primary school? If so, don’t get too excited! You’ve another 6 years before you can do that 😂

Can you afford a local babysitter? If so, I would start looking at childcare.co.uk and find local sitters which you can invite round so your child gets familiar with them. Does your little one go to nursery/childminder? I think it's possible to find also a childminder that can have your DC during the day and cover the night when you are in hospital. Again I am not sure how much it would cost but something worth researching now.
If this is not an option for you , then see who is most reliable in your circle and have a chat about having your little one when you are giving birth and how they need to be fed, changed , washed, put to bed etc. You can easily prepare all the food, nappies , milk etc and have it ready before you go into labour and write a list of what needs to be done and when etc.
Of course you can also try to establish new relationships with other mums etc but in my personal experience that hasn't worked out to the point where I would ask someone I've recently met to have my child. Plus it's not as easy to make mum friends IMO, people always rush after baby classes etc or just drift away after a while !

I had to be prepared to give birth on my own. I only had people that could look after mine during the day and I did get lucky, if it had been at 3am I'd have been on my own. To be fair I thought having to have my in laws as houseguests whilst in labour was the worse option.

This is exactly it. My husband and I are immigrants so our village are our friends - and it starts with giving, not taking. It also starts with just being really honest and asking for help. I wasn't very good at this part! We had intended for me to give birth to our second on my own, but my mother in law coincidentally flew in on the day I went into labour (she made a last minute decision and I was early). But there's nothing wrong with planning to be on your own if that works for you.

But if any of my friends (or less than friends!) asked me to have their older child so they could accompany their wife to give birth I'd absolutely say yes to that so maybe this could be the first step. Invite other parents round, set up some playdates, reach out - you might find someone in a similar situation who would love to partner up to help each other.

I have my friend's kids regularly and therefore have no issue asking for help in return. To be honest this took a while though as my daughter is tricky and I didn't feel right leaving her for many years. So a lot depends on how adaptable and friendly your child is - my daughter would have been horrified to be left with a friend as a toddler.

My husband and I both work full time and he travelled a lot for work when the kids were small. He still goes away for a few days most months but it's easier now my kids are older. It was not easy at all when they were little and I was juggling two daycare pickups and dinner and getting out to work in the morning and ballet class for my daughter and all the rest of it! So it does get easier once you find a routine and get some structure, but there will be times that it's going to be hard for sure. And I think it's helpful to recognise that instead of ignoring it.