New mum to a little boy, looking for advice

[Newmum1998x]

Evening All,
My little boy was born on the 6th of August and this may seem a bit silly but I’m just looking for someone to chat / rant to. Ever since my long term partner of nearly 5 years left me at 6 months pregnant and kicked me out of his house with no notice I’ve been struggling. I love my little boy and I certainly didn’t expect anything like this to happen to me. My ex hasn’t been supportive during my pregnancy and not once asked how he can help or if I’m coping ok following our son’s birth. I gave birth with just my mum by my side via a c section and I registered my son last Wednesday leaving my ex off the birth certificate. I’ve applied for CMS and still waiting to hear back. My ex hasn’t seen our son yet.

I still cannot get my head around my exes actions and how he still hasn’t stepped up to become a dad, he’s 31 and I am 27. I told him to go through mediation so I could get an exemption and if he was prepared to step up then the only option is court due to safe guarding concerns and his behaviour towards me. I feel stupid that I still love him (more than likely the hormones) but I also have enough self respect to know that what he has done is unforgivable. I stare at my son and think I wanted a happy family not any of this, his nursery is in storage because I have no room. I’ve had to secure a mortgage and my house isn’t ready until the end of the year so I’m currently living at my mums house (previous post about this).

I don’t think I’m depressed, I’m just going through the thick of being a new mum as a single parent. I want the best for my son but I also want a father figure for him and I’m worried I’ll never trust another man again. Let alone will anyone actually want me with a son. My full attention is on my son but every now and then I think to myself am I even worth it.

Congratulations on the birth of your DS, OP. You’ve been through a great deal in the last 4 months and I’m truly sorry that your ex has failed to step up but know that your little boy will be fine- he has a strong mum who loves him and puts him first. If your ex chooses not to be involved in his life, that is his loss and your son won’t miss what he’s never known. As he grows up you can see that your son spends time with male friends and relatives so has positive male role models in his life. And you too will be fine- you’re currently in the fourth trimester, knackered and processing the events of the last few months but I promise you things will get easier. Take care of you, accept any offers of help from friends and family and live one day at a time. You are young, you’re worth it and there are better things to come x

Congratulations on your beautiful boy. You sound so incredibly measured and sensible despite the pain you are going through. Don’t worry about the nursery, all your baby wants in the whole world is you. You are his world.

Keep leaning on your mum and anyone else who is there to support you. You’re doing an amazing job.

This sounds absolutely shit.

You need to accept its going to take time.

My advice in no order:

• Get some therapy

• Try and stop thinking about him. Its a waste of time.
• get out for walk ideally in green space
• join the local council baby classes (they are free - rhyme time / baby massage etc) make yourself talk to other mothers
• consider joining peanut to find local mum friends
• if you have the cash try something like hartbeeps classes - i met really nice mums there and the classes arent too cringe.
• sleep when baby sleeps
• if breastfeeding is going okay - Persevere. If not, remember breast is best. Nuby Rapid cool is THE best for ready making formula.
• focus on yourself and your child.
• Give yourself time. And stay the f away from the ex. Dont let him in your home and certainly do not sleep with him... sounds obviously but hormones honestly can make you do slightly doolally things

Dont sweat the nursery/sleeping situation or any of that.... Kids really arent even aware until they are 3 /3.5. My 18m has no clue he is in a boring grey guest room we never got round to redecorating 😅

💐💐💐

Thank you x

Thanks - I know trying to stop thinking of him is the problem. My son looks just like him so it’s a reminder every day.

I did try the Peanut app and made one friend but it’s still hard. Everyone’s life is different and they all seem partnered up so I always feel bad talking about my situation.

Don’t worry, my ex wants nothing to do with me. He couldn’t even talk to me when we were together let alone now. He broke up with me at 6 months pregnant with no discussion or attempt at trying. He said he wasn’t happy and no longer In love with me after discussing our relationship with his mum and sister. I keep finding so many red flags I ignored.

The last bit about the nursery, thank you for telling me that. I do worry that he’s currently living out of boxes until we can move and it’s not fair but my ex chose his comfort over our wellbeing.

I found peanut shit but some people have some luck with it. I had good luck at church playgroups they are cheap and pretty chilled out.

Yeah honestly...on the nursery don't sweat it and save your cash.
My 18m played with an emery board for 15min today... They honestly dont need baby einstein sensory jumperoo blah blah blahs... the only thing i spent £££ on was some I baby classes and that was for me not them.

It's prob easy for me to say that now because financially I do well enough so I give zero fucks what anyone thinks and I know when I was on the bones of my arse i def felt more pressure about "how things looked" and "what people thought".

If your mum will do a couple of hrs here and there onve baby is 3m or so get to a gym class or do a home workout (for mental health more than anything)

Also get elastoplast xxl silicone strips or kelocote gel for your scar. It will prevent internal adhesions which shitty nhs doesmt bother telling you about...but dont use until scar is fully healed (about 4or 6 weeks).

Also in addition to FB marketplace and vinted.. ask mums if you have any baby buying and selling whats app groups if your area you can pick up stuff very cheaply and you make friends with some of the people ypu buy/sell with as you see them around at parks etc.

You sound very level-headed despite everything you have gone through in terms of lousy ex and major change in becoming a parent. Have more trust in yourself.
You can build a new life with your son and in time there will be opportunities to meet new men and you'll know the type to avoid (you'll react if you see red flags).

OP just take one day at a time. You are doing an awesome job and how great that you've got your mum on your side. Between you both, your little boy is going to be loved and cherished and well cared for. He doesn't need anything fancy, just his mum (and nana).

Women are amazing and we can cope with anything. You will find your feet as the weeks and months go on. It's such early days. Focus on you and your baby, and on healing physically and mentally from your recent experiences.

Who actually needs a man?

Especially a shit one.

No woman.

I’m glad I’m not the only one who things a lot of baby sensory toys are rubbish and overpriced!

I am currently living with my mum until the end of the year so she’s great with helping out. She takes over for a few hours so I can nap during the day as it’s never possible to always sleep when baby sleeps!

I have a good paying job as a Project Manager so money isn’t an issue as such as I have good Maternity pay. It’s more about loneliness and support. I have a fear of bumping into my ex and his family or my son crying in public and me not being able to settle him.

Thank you, it’s just hard doing this alone and when I go out I see happy families everywhere. I won’t look for a new partner anytime soon but I hope there’s someone out there.

What sort of man kicks a 6 months pregnant woman out of his house on a Wednesday at 8pm in her pjs. No conversation no attempt to try just he wasn’t happy, he didn’t love me and asked me to pack a bag and leave. It’s been traumatic, emotional and now he acts as though the last 5 years nearly meant nothing. He was messaging a female work colleague when I was 4 months pregnant and the same weekend we started telling family about the baby news! He’s 31 and goes on like a man child. He discussed our relationship days prior with his mum and sister before ending things so it wasn’t impulsive to just kick me out. I’m still devastated and it’ll take time to move on - probably years!

Thank you x