New Dad woes

[SkinnyLarts]

Hello all,

I very recently became a father for the first time and have a beautiful one week old baby girl. She is my partners 4th child, and I have been in a step dad role to her 3 for the last 3 years.

Ive been struggling a bit with my emotions since our daughter was born. We really wanted a home birth, and had everything in place for that to happen, but things took a turn when my partners waters broke without contractions. We ended up going to hospital, and after 48 hours of the doctors trying to induce her, she was born by C section. I found it really hard to watch my partner go through this. She’d tried so hard for a natural birth, and it was quite traumatic for her to have to have a C section. Our daughter came along healthily though, and my partner is recovering well.

since we got home, I’ve been struggling with feeling like I’m not needed. My partner is breastfeeding, so our daughter naturally spends a lot of time with her. It seems that whenever I try to have a cuddle with our daughter, she cries and just wants to go back to mum. I’m not naive enough to think that newborns aren’t all about mum at this stage, but I am finding it quite hard. There have also been times where she cries while with my partner, so I offer to take her to try and give my partner a break, but she always says no. It kind of feels a bit like I’m not trusted in those scenarios.

im not sure if it’s as a result of that, but I also feel a bit of disconnect with my baby. I know I love her, but on the build up I got a lot of “this will be the most amazing thing you’ve ever experienced!” And even now “aren’t you just blown away by how wonderful she is?” From people. Well, quite frankly, not really. She is wonderful, but I don’t feel this burning feeling of loving her more than I ever thought possible. I really want to be able to get to that point, but at the moment I’m not sure I’m quite there. I have a horrendous amount of guilt that it doesn’t seem like I’m feeling what I should, even typing this out feels quite rough.

has anyone experienced similar feelings to this? Sorry for a great deal of waffle, I don’t really have many close people to talk to

This is all very normal and lots and lots of Dads feel like this. Lots of parents don't get the immediate rush of love that is poetically spoken about particularly when the birth has been traumatic.

Your job in the coming weeks is to support your partner. Make sure she has everything she needs to recover and breastfeed (lots of water, food, the remote, cushions, blankets, muslins etc). Make sure nappies/wipes/cream are well stocked and to hand when needed.

Have lots of skin to skin with the baby. Change nappies. Burp her. At this time you are back-up. Mum is the main parent. That can be hard, but it's a biological fact. Do these small support roles and over time the bond will grow and it will even out.

Congratulations on your new baby. You have a lifetime of parenting ahead of you, don't worry that it hasn't all clicked into place in the first seven days.

Firstly congratulations new dad!
It sounds like your really up for and ready to get stuck in wherever you can which is incredible. Wanting to be present and grow that bond is the best thing you can do to help foster it.
I think there is something that can be said for being a first time bio parent when your partner has had children previously that is a bit of a different landscape - in one hand you someone who has a wealth of knowledge and confidence but in the other it can feel hard to get involved and learn to trust your own instincts to feel that bond. I have a 6 week old daughter and my partner had a daughter from a previous relationship - there are some times where he - the dad - is often is more natural and just seems to know what to do, how to sooth etc. far better than I can.
I can't speak from any experience as to when you'll get there, but I would deffo try and see if you can build some "dad time" into things, could you do bathtimes or be the king of tummy time? See if there's things that you can "own", newborns as I'm now learning seem to go through a different era every week, things will shift and change as you move through - best of luck!!

I would post this in the Dadsnet section @SkinnyLartsso you can get some support from other Men.

This article on supporting a BFing Mum might help.

Are you doing things like changing the baby’s nappy, bathtime and taking her out for a walk?

I just wanted to comment that you sound like a wonderful man, caring for your wife and all the children and reflecting on the complexity of your feelings. I think the underwhelm is completely normal. I certainly felt that way. For me personally newborn is a phase full of wild anxiety and complete boredom. Sadly the boredom and exhaustion is the perfect breeding ground for anxiety. The good news is that babies change quickly and do become much more interesting. One day you will look at her and realise she's the most incredible thing that has ever happened. Others are right that you should try to take pride in supporting your wife in these early weeks. Establishing breastfeeding is very gruelling. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but if the other three children are with you in the home at the moment, taking care of them so your wife can sit on the sofa with raw nipples would be extremely helpful to her.