New Dad woes

[SkinnyLarts]

Hello all,

I very recently became a father for the first time and have a beautiful one week old baby girl. She is my partners 4th child, and I have been in a step dad role to her 3 for the last 3 years.

Ive been struggling a bit with my emotions since our daughter was born. We really wanted a home birth, and had everything in place for that to happen, but things took a turn when my partners waters broke without contractions. We ended up going to hospital, and after 48 hours of the doctors trying to induce her, she was born by C section. I found it really hard to watch my partner go through this. She’d tried so hard for a natural birth, and it was quite traumatic for her to have to have a C section. Our daughter came along healthily though, and my partner is recovering well.

since we got home, I’ve been struggling with feeling like I’m not needed. My partner is breastfeeding, so our daughter naturally spends a lot of time with her. It seems that whenever I try to have a cuddle with our daughter, she cries and just wants to go back to mum. I’m not naive enough to think that newborns aren’t all about mum at this stage, but I am finding it quite hard. There have also been times where she cries while with my partner, so I offer to take her to try and give my partner a break, but she always says no. It kind of feels a bit like I’m not trusted in those scenarios.

im not sure if it’s as a result of that, but I also feel a bit of disconnect with my baby. I know I love her, but on the build up I got a lot of “this will be the most amazing thing you’ve ever experienced!” And even now “aren’t you just blown away by how wonderful she is?” From people. Well, quite frankly, not really. She is wonderful, but I don’t feel this burning feeling of loving her more than I ever thought possible. I really want to be able to get to that point, but at the moment I’m not sure I’m quite there. I have a horrendous amount of guilt that it doesn’t seem like I’m feeling what I should, even typing this out feels quite rough.

has anyone experienced similar feelings to this? Sorry for a great deal of waffle, I don’t really have many close people to talk to

A lot of women don't feel a great bond with their baby to start with @SkinnyLarts so I'm sure this also happens to new fathers.

Your new baby will always prefer to be with her mum. This is natural and important, both for the baby and the mother.

A great many parents are deeply disappointed when the delivery of their baby doesn't go to plan. I'm sorry your wife had the experience she did.

The first few weeks are tough, please hang in there. It sounds like your partner had a tough delivery so keep supporting her. Bring her water, cook food and take care of household tasks. If you take baby for a cuddle, skin to skin is good so try putting her on your chest so she can hear your heartbeat.

If your partner is breastfeeding, she probably wants baby near to make sure she establishes her supply and remember her emotions will be all over the place after birth. You are only a week in, so it’s normal to feel a range of emotions. After the initial high, you’ve got to settle into daily life and that can feel tough and maybe a tad underwhelming. A lot of taking care of a newborn is feeding and nappy changes. So it’s hard to feel it’s amazing when you’re just doing a lot of chores. But day by day they change so fast and eventually you will see the first smile, a laugh etc. and that makes it all worth it.

Talk your partner. Explain you want to help and ask what she needs. I’m sure in a few weeks things will settle and she’ll take you up on taking baby so she can have some time to herself. Just let her know the offer is there to take up when she’s ready.

Many areas have a dads network for new dads to get help, could be worth looking into. The health visitor will have details.

And birth plans do change. I think the name Birth Plan needs to change to something like birth wish list. I didn’t get tge birth I wanted with DC2 but that’s fine . She arrived and we were both ok.