Should 6yo tantrums have consequences?

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My 6yo still throws huge tantrums over seemingly minor things and I just don't always know how on earth I should handle them. Recently we promised him a fun activity he'd been looking forward to so much. He was excited and happy to go, until he had a meltdown over a seemingly minor thing (clothes related). He was just screaming in fury. After that had been going on for a while, I just lost it too, unfortunately. I shouted at him that we are not going anywhere like this. Then I left the room fuming...actually i wanted to cry because once again our supposedly fun day had turned into this. We ended up going, my partner managed to sort him out, but for me the day was ruined and I couldn't fully pick up my mood. I'm still sad about this now.

I absolutely know that it is the wrong thing to continue being on a bad mood myself, as he will notice it and it could feel like I'm punishing him. I tried to be normal but I feel the atmosphere wasn't the best possible nevertheless. I know I should stay calm in these situations and just calmly say things like "It's ok to be angry, but we cannot go until you feel calmer" etc. etc.

But - would it actually be the right thing to do to not go in these cases? If the child throws a tantrum before going somewhere fun? What if I have already bought tickets to the damn thing that were quite expensive? What if denying him going means his sibling also can't go? I'm also sort of thinking that such tantrums are maybe coming from a place of being overwhelmed and excited, and he shouldn't be punished for them by denying the activity. I just don't know.

I honestly thought parenting would be easier by age 6.

The most important thing IMO is that you are clear and consistent. So if you want to cancel an activity because of his behaviour you can, but you must be completely clear and give advance warning that will be the consequence, and you mustn't threaten it and then not follow through.

Is there any chance he has ASD? 6 is rather old to be having a meltdown over clothes. Does he have sensory issues generally?

Yes, there definitely a chance that he has ASD. He has no issues at all at school, but at home he certainly shows signs of it.

And thank you for commenting - that makes perfect sense.

He’s losing control from the overwhelming excitement. Punishing him won’t help.

What will help us avoiding the overwhelm, and teaching strategies and consequences when he’s calm. By consequences, I mean- ‘we don’t enjoy ourselves as much when we’ve had a big argument and it makes me worry about going on nice outings.’.

Avoiding the overwhelm-
don’t hype it up ahead of time. Be calm about getting ready. He doesn’t need anyone to whip up excitement.
plan smaller outings until he’s better at control.

When he’s calm have a chat about things to do when you feel yourself getting overwhelmed- ask for a really tight hug/have five minutes time out on the trampoline/have a sucky lolly or drink in a sucky bottle. Those kinds of things help him regulate and get calm again.
Pay more attention to him while getting ready. Don’t rush around thinking ’lunchbox, suncream, spare socks…’. Look at him, see how he’s doing and whether he’s starting to get tense and disregulated. Intervene and reset him with a highly game of getting his socks on as though he was still a baby/rocking him/squishing him like a big bear. Something to ground him, reduce the adrenaline, help him calm for the day.

Do you think he may get anxious about going to new places, even fun activities could be overwhelming for him. One of my boys used to be like this. I think a prearranged and probably expensive day out I wouldn't use as a punishment. Try to find the pattern behind the tantrums to find out why it's happening is your best bet.

I generally don't punishment tantrums, but they have natural consequences. In our house they are usually at bed time (as they are tired) which means they miss out on some story time. I wouldn't make you all miss a pre-arranged day out though. I would help him calm down or leave him too it until he is calmer, whichever is best. He's not in control of his emotions, so needs teaching but not punishment IMO.

If triggers for your DS are being over excited, can you work out how to manage it? Either in terms of talking less about the day beforehand or ways to make the routine easier e.g. clothes chosen the night before?

I would focus more on teaching him to manage his emotions. There’s loads of calming tools on the internet.
Try to pre empt it and avoid the meltdown use distraction or a calming method before it kicks off but if he does have one while it’s happening be calm and try not to talk at him or shout let it play out (unless he’s hurting himself) Then use a calming method like deep breath or cuddle a teddy or count to ten.
if you want to give a consequence do it after the tantrum is over and things have settled but I would only do that if they broke something or behaved particularly badly. Your child is struggling to regulate themselves they need to be taught how. Remember you as a grown adult are still capable of getting overwhelmed and having a tantrum.
For you when it’s happening try to keep calm, accept you can not control the situation and need to wait for it to pass. If you are late or have to miss something the world won’t end. Remaining calm will help it pass quicker.

As a parent, never threaten something and then don't follow through. You've told him it's ok, do what you wan/behave badlyt and you will still get the fun day out.

I'd have been sent to bed - no fun day out (and id have known this so not had a meltdown) at 6.

This is all such good advise and very true. I will be back rereading everything. I need to start working harder on controlling myself better and not allowing myself to throw a tantrum at him in these situations. I basically don’t think either that tantrums should be punished. They need to be allowed to be angry and have a meltdown and show it.

Poor lad. My DS had more trantrums age 6 than as a toddler! Later diagnosed with ADHD.

He just couldn't regulate his emotions, which led to me getting angry, stressed and sad. Which then transferred to him and round and round we would go. It was awful and I feel so bad now when I look back at how I reacted.

PP has some great suggestions about keeping him calm/noticing when he's starting to get worked up.

My DS had an awful habit of coming into the kitchen when I was in a mega rush and literally just whinging at me. So i used to yell.

One day I snapped and said WHY do you do that? A little voice amswered "I want a hug". So we agreed that from then on, no more whining noises, just use your voice and ask for a hug. He is nearly 14 now and still asks for a hug for reassurance several times a day. Sometimes he calls it his "dopamine hug"

@TadpolesInPool 🩷🩷🩷 he just wanted a hug. Sounds a lot like how we have it. I think my DS may be getting a diagnosis as well. How was your son at a bit older age? Did the tantrums stop at some point?

another think to consider is is this a meltdown or a tantrum. A tantrum is crying /getting angry because they can’t get their own way. This would stop immediately if offered a reward so if you said stop crying and il give u an ice cream they could immediately stop and feel fine.
a meltdown is when you become overwhelmed, the brain floods and rationality has gone . The body pumps out adrenaline and the situation feels frightening. If you think it’s this one remember your child is not in control. They are not deliberately ruining anything. They need (during) reassurance or space.

Yes the tantrums stopped, but not until we changed our behaviour.

He was diagnosed aged 9 and it was a total surprise but everything suddenly made sense. He is also dyspraxic.

I read a terrifying article saying that kids with adhd hear 20 000 more negative things said to them by the time there are 12 than NT kids. I started paying attention to everything we were saying to him and was mortified. Me and DH sat down and agreed what to let go (e.g. not nagging him about being unable to use a knife or tie his shoelaces - not his fault, its his dyspraxia).

The atmosphere in the home improved so much and we all became much happier.

The worse tantrums were age 6-8. Then they tappered off. The last big blow up was when he 9 or 10, over something that happened with his friends.

Since then, he gets angry at things (has a very black and white view of the world) but talks things through with us. So far, teen hormones haven't made things worse. He does a LOT of sport which helps him enormously.

I really wish I'd known earlier!

You've already had good advice re. consequences. I posted similar about my 4 year old a few days ago who still has the most horrific meltdowns over seemingly trivial things (and things she could simply ask for and I would say yes)

Anyway there was a bit of discussion about ND but one piece of advice was to try and treat the meltdown as an anxiety attack. They can't control it, you just need to ride it out and be there for them. Getting cross won't help.

I've found this really helpful framing and its helped me not to completely lose my shit to stay calm in the moment

You've had some great advice so far OP. Do research the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown. It makes for much more understanding on your part which leads to more sympathetic handling by you and a happier child with much less negativity in the family.

Wider family and friends without experience of ND often don't understand and insist you are mollycoddling and an ineffectual parent. Please learn to ignore this constant stream of criticism and let it wash over you.
You are doing the right thing for your son, their opinions really don't matter.

"Never say something and not follow through" is too extreme. Sometimes parents end up giving ineffective punishments because they made a threat in a moment of stress or because they thought an extreme threat would stop the child from doing something wrong but it didn't work, and then they feel unable to go back on what they said. As pp said, don't make a habit of it but it is OK to change your mind now and again if you give the wrong threat.

Instead, plan ahead and only threaten punishments that you're willing and able to follow through. It's usually better to have a collection of small punishments that you can repeat than some huge threat that once you've shot your bow you have nothing left. And it's better not to rely on punishment much anyway especially if you have an anxious child and many children with ASCs run on anxiety.

As for whether I'd have called off the trip altogether... if it's possible to calm things down and recover and have a nice day then I'd do that. Otherwise better to call it off and plan something less challenging in future. My own DC tended to have the extreme meltdowns at the end of the day when tired and not so much before going out. One thing that helped me - I tried not to let a tantrum or the memory of a tantrum spoil the whole day for me. Hold on to the good in the day, the parts of it that you enjoyed and that your DCs enjoyed. They make the rest worthwhile.

To be honest I never found the difference between a "tantrum" and a "meltdown" useful, there was usually a mixture of reasons and triggers.

My DH says that when he was a child he didn't understand what his parents meant by "over-excited". Now he's been a parent himself, he does!

I have received great advice here, thank you all so much. It really helps, and will no doubt return to read it all still several times. I think for my DS it's more meltdowns than tantrums, or a mix of both. It really touched me what a PP wrote about feeling sad looking back at their reactions. I already feel this and need to change my ways.

My DS seems to also have problems with impulse control. He will for example very fast crab things like the last cookie even if we said it needs to be saved for his sibling. This behavior also infuriates me often. In such case I have used the consequence where I've taken something that's valuable to him and said he can have it back tomorrow - which has lead to a meltdown on his side. I do understand that he has a hard time controlling himself when he's tired. I struggle to wrap me head around what can I expect of him, and what things he simply genuinely struggles with, perhaps due to some kind of ND. I don't think his younger sibling would ever just crab the last cookie when we said he isn't allowed. But as said - they key here would be to keep my calm of course.

Generally he is sporty, has friends, doesn't seem to struggle at school.

My DS seems to also have problems with impulse control. He will for example very fast crab things like the last cookie even if we said it needs to be saved for his sibling. This behavior also infuriates me often.

That is really infuriating! Could you make it easier for him by moving the cookie out of reach first and then saying "we're are keeping it for DBro"? Or by giving him processing time by saying "we are all going to have a cookie, so that's one cookie each, and DBro isn't here so we will keep one for him" and then move the plate out of reach if necessary or praise if DC manages to take his and not DBros? Save the praise for when DBro arrives and takes the cookie so that DC isn't reminded and tempted!

@AmaryllisNightAndDay Good advice again - should more proactively remove things that he needs to save out of his reach. Sometimes I just don't have time to react before he's shoved it into his mouth! He doesn't do this all the time, more when he is tired and/or hungry. So presumably weaker impulse control at those times.

My DS also has compulsive eating (though controlled when on his ADHD meds). We physically have to move food away from him (for example at restaurants he will pick at everyone's leftovers even after saying he is full and feels sick).

Its important to adapt your parenting to the child you have. Its tiring and hard but it does make family life easier. And it also becomes second nature.

As I said, DS1 is nearly 14 now and I have scaffolded him so much that he has learnt a lot of organisation and coping mechanisms from observing me. He notices a lot about his own body - his moods, stress levels, hunger vs hanger etc. He sees the difference sport has on his moods. I don't have to do half as much now and he is incredibly mature and aware of his impulsivity.

For me if I am ever really excited about something, I find that it often turns into anxiety. It's possible that he is finding the excitement overwhelming and its turning into anxiety which is causing the tantrums