Would you rather give your kid a dumbphone or a smartphone with strict monitoring?

[BeOliveCat]

My daughter just turned 11 and we are at that dreaded milestone: the first phone.

I'm completely torn. I want her to be able to text and call me and maybe use WhatsApp to keep up with some friends. But the moment you give them a smartphone, you open the door to all that endless social media drama, random DMs from creeps, cyberbullying, etc.

Some parents I know go the dumbphone route: literally just calls + texts (or a smartwatch) and nothing else. But then I worry she will feel left out and secretly find their workarounds through a freind's phone or whatever. Most give their kid a regular smartphone and load it with monitoring tools like Helmit.org. That might be a bit invasive though.

It feels like there is no winning here. I just wanna make sure they are safe online, but there are so many compromises you have to agree on.

Kinda stuck here, what worked for you?

Do you monitor WhatsApp manually or with a parental control app? I did some research and thought about using Helmit.org or Qustodio. The app coverage for Qustodio does not seem to be that good though

Our school has recommended that parents use Helmit or similiar apps that can monitor social media chats for cyberbullying, predators etc.. Does anyone have experience with one of these chat monitoring apps?

Any content can be sent on WhatsApp though. Someone else could send suicide or porn, or bullying for example. And the DC can delete it before you see it.

The bus pass making a smartphone necessary:
This is so insidious. I think everyone should get in touch with their MP to stop bus companies making smartphone apps compulsory for children’s bus passes.

Is this the case even if the phone has no browser? We've got DD a Pinwheel and very happy so far but I'm worried she'll be totally left out without WhatsApp (we haven't allowed it yet). Her current friends all chat on iMessage, but we have no Apple devices so she feels very left out with that as well. It's a minefield!

@AndresyFiorella I am completely inexpert but though you might be right I think that is just a start even if having no browser helps. In response to your question though I have just looked it up and found this, so you should double check the settings.:

Q. Can a smart phone open links in WhatsApp if it does not have a browser:
A.Yes, a smartphone can open links from WhatsApp in dedicated apps rather than a browser, provided that the specific app is set up to handle those types of links (deep linking) and that your phone's settings are configured to "open links in apps". If the link doesn't open in the intended app, you may need to adjust your phone's default app settings for "Opening links" or reset app preferences

But even so @AndresyFiorella
you cant’t get rid of messages bombarding your dc and wanting instant answers giving your dc no rest from their friends; huge peer pressure coming at them; content of messages you’d rather your DC not have; photos; screenshots. Your DC could be bullied or be in a group then blocked from the group. They could send photos of themselves.

Ask the question on line “ Is WhatsApp safe for children”? I saw a lot but don’t want to try to cut and paste it.

I think there is a balance to be had between keeping kids safe and keeping them isolated.

What'sApp is also good for group calls.
If kids are playing online using crossplay, so one on Xbox someone else on PS and another on Switch they won't necessarily be able to talk to each other via the consoles.
So they end up with a group call going on WhatsApp!

It world has changed in recent years.

My 11 year old has a dumbphone.
15 year old has a smartphone with parental controls (no downloading apps, no tiktok/snapchat) and down time from 9pm-7am.

Dumbphone. I had a Nokia 3210. Loved 🐍

Our 12 yo has a Nokia brick and a laptop for homework, plus can use the iPad with downloaded shows for long car journeys.

Theres no need for a smart phone at such a young age no matter how much you think it’s monitored.

I would go with the dumb phone until they are at least 16. If they feel our of it in comparison to their friends they will just have to tough it out. It will be a valuable lesson in the fact that children (and adults too for that matter) cannot always have what they want.

DS 12 has a dumb Nokia phone. His friend transferred porno images via Bluetooth. So even dumb phones are bad news….

I allow him WhatsApp on his computer which is time restricted. YouTube and TikTok are blocked on the router. Or I can’t access either.

Smart phone. My 11yo has WhatsApp, Spotify, Duolingo and will have school apps in a couple of weeks. All social media, tiktok etc is blocked. We have Google familylink which does location sharing and set time limits/bedtime etc and we can just 'kill' the phone at the press of a button.
Trust is gradually earned and the DCs gradually get more apps/freedom as they get older. We always have the password and do regular checks (this is not our first child and this system has worked well)

That’s interesting to remember that’s still possible. How old was the friend @roses2 ?

Yep and some schools even recommending to families not to get a smartphone even at home- obviously they recognise its not their call, just a recommendation- but the tide is definitely turning.

The other kid was 14. The school found out as another kid reported it t and both got in trouble.

That is a kind of very very nasty bullying I think.
Did your DS come and tell you? Was he upset?

I find it awful that this all exists in the first place. If porn sites were plans on how to have a terrorist attack on the U.K. it wouldn’t get through. I know it’s too late though and thinking this way won’t help.

I don’t think there’s a perfect “one-size-fits-all” answer, every child is different, and so are the family values around tech.
What’s worked for us is taking a middle path: giving our child a smartphone, but setting it up in stages. We started with just the basics, then gradually unlocked more as they showed they could handle it. The Young Minds App has been really helpful with this, not just for blocking things, but for actually teaching why boundaries exist. That way, when risks do crop up, they know how to deal with them, rather than just avoiding them until later.
For me, it’s less about the phone itself and more about how we guide them through it. The goal isn’t to delay forever, but to help kids build healthy habits and resilience so that when they’re eventually online without us looking over their shoulder, they’re ready.