Would you rather give your kid a dumbphone or a smartphone with strict monitoring?

[BeOliveCat]

My daughter just turned 11 and we are at that dreaded milestone: the first phone.

I'm completely torn. I want her to be able to text and call me and maybe use WhatsApp to keep up with some friends. But the moment you give them a smartphone, you open the door to all that endless social media drama, random DMs from creeps, cyberbullying, etc.

Some parents I know go the dumbphone route: literally just calls + texts (or a smartwatch) and nothing else. But then I worry she will feel left out and secretly find their workarounds through a freind's phone or whatever. Most give their kid a regular smartphone and load it with monitoring tools like Helmit.org. That might be a bit invasive though.

It feels like there is no winning here. I just wanna make sure they are safe online, but there are so many compromises you have to agree on.

Kinda stuck here, what worked for you?

We have had a lot of success with a very heavily locked down smartphone. No internet browser, only a very small selection of apps (maps, Citymapper, Duolingo, a dictionary etc). She can’t add any more. So there is nothing “bad” or particularly addictive. She uses it for practical purposes but isn’t that into it - because it can’t actually do much! (We do allow WhatsApp, and like others I am not 100 per cent confident in that decision but it seems ok and we monitor very regularly. She knows we wouldn’t hesitate to remove if issues start).

I agree. Especially as phone use is officially banned in the school (personal use) but unofficially they have to have one for the timetable etc. The school sent a survey to parents before the summer holiday asking about consequences for phone use in school, would parents support a ban and phones being confiscated if kids were seen using them at break etc. My response was that I’d 100% support it as long as it was a total ban and they were never being asked to use phones in lessons.

Phones should be banned in school, but I still think there is a place for children having smartphones from secondary age as long as parents are responsible about it.

I hear what you are saying, but if more parents started saying no then this wouldn't be a problem.

but if more parents started saying no

This is a link to “Smartphone Free Childhood” for anyone interested who does not already know about it. The point is to build up strength through numbers of parents saying no so that their children won’t feel left out:
www.smartphonefreechildhood.org/sign-the-parent-pact

I think there needs to be a balance. I'm not convinced by the idea of buying children phones marketed specifically at them tbh that seems like a marketing ploy and a complete waste of money. A locked down phone can grow with them and evolve as necessary.

Dumb phone but their friends will get them a real one behind your back. From experience.

We use a locked down smartphone. Didn't have any choice as the bus pass needed for school is app only.

To be fair it's worked quite well. We've three of uni age now and two high school.

That said the attitude toward it on here has massively changed. I got slated a few years back - I was called draconian and nasty - for how strict I am over phones. Yet the older kids actually say we could have gone even further (much to the chagrin of the younger teens 😂).

One thing I say to everyone is - no phones in bedrooms over night. Not once. If they need an alarm buy them an alarm clock, if they need music then get them something for music. The number of kids messaging overnight is staggering - and not just in the holidays.

I also ban phones in the bathroom. For hygiene partly, but also to lessen the risk of them being talked into a "cheeky" (how I've grown to hate that word) selfie in the bath or while changing.

Oh they totally don’t. It’s an absolute cop-out so they don’t need to worry about child protection.

We gave our 10 year old a phone about six weeks ago. She’s got my old phone so it’s an iPhone XR - so it’s an 8yo device. I was very tempted by one of the xplore phones or the GPS smartwatches but at £300+ I couldn’t afford it, not when my old phone was going spare. She’s got a £5 PAYG sim in it

But her phone is locked down. She’s got 8 contacts in there (all family), she’s not allowed YouTube it asks my permission every time she wants to download an app. The app settings are set to under12. She’s not allowed any social and she knows that it’s MY phone that she can borrow.

we said she was allowed it at the start of this holidays so she could learn how to use it safely. She still does everything she’s told right now so as she will start walking to school next week by herself, I wanted her to have one for school and back. And then next year as she moves to secondary she’ll be getting a 20 min bus to school so will definitely need a smartphone to have the bus ticket etc on it

This is fairly crap of the school. Most schools have banned them round here. In fact DS school is now introducing the lockable pockets this term to make sure they can't access them during school time at all.

There is no need too have a phone to access any school software. You can access all of them on there Web browsers, I haven't come across one you can't yet. I refuse to install apps for school.

DS had a brick phone to start with until we could trust him with a phone. I can honestly say even at 14 although he has a smartphone we still can't trust him with it and DH has it locked down as he would spend his whole life on it otherwise. And like I said a lot of schools are now totally banning them so no point in a smartphone really. You would be better off getting them a tablet or laptop for homework and a brick phone for contact.

Also beware of social media, just don't let them have it DD got Instagram when around 14 and even now at 18 she has said it was to young.

Ds at 14 only has WhatsApp and I won't let him have anything else. He does watch YouTube on our smart TV but then it's easy for me to see what he is watching.

Oh and no it hasn't dented my children when it comes to using tech, they are probably more tech savy then most children. Mainly as DD did both GCSE and A-level computer science and DH helped them build both of their own PC's so they actually kniw how the tech works.

We have so many kids start high-school now who don't even know how to switch on a computer or use a mouse as the only tech they have ever been exposed to is a smartphone or tablet. Other forms of tech still exist and are used quite commonly, but parents seem to only concentrate on smartphones for some reason.
Laptops/chrome books are a big one, we use all the time at school yet I'm amazed at how many children can't operate one.

My 11 yr hasn’t got a phone. When necessary, she’ll get a dumb phone. I found the smartphone free childhood helpful. In our area most kids have smartphones, talking to friends closer to London, most people are seeing the dangers of smartphones and moving a way from them there.

We only got a phone after my dd finished primary school, I don’t think there is any need before that. She had a dumb phone, a Nokia flip, for the first year. She managed ok, but was travelling for school and the lack of access to travel and map info was difficult at times. So we have now got her an iPhone and followed this step by step guide for totally locking it down https://gertrude.app/blog/definitive-guide-to-locking-down-an-iphone

I have to laugh at the idea of schools and lockable phone pouches.
How do they police a 1000 kids and phones? How do they know kids aren't putting a dead phone in the pouch keeping their live phone accessible?

I've only come across it on MN I think the schools near me are all far too strapped for cash to waste money on it.

But there again where we are kids can order school lunch via an app and check the balance of their lunch account on a different app.

@Codyrhodesisaheel totally agree it makes far more sense to give kids a hand-me-down phone than to blow £200 on a kids device that they'll out grow.

I think the tide is definitely turning on smartphones for children. I think pretty soon it'll be looked on like letting your children smoke or something. With regard things like apps for public transport, I would be surprised at all if legislation was passed soon saying transport providers much offer alternative ways to pay without financial penalties.

They'll ban smartphones altogether from school sites for children. Any seen will be confiscated. Some councils already have motions in progress to ban them from school sites.

I let mine have smartphones when they went to secondary.
I was very naive, and worried they would be left out if they didn't have one.
If I had my time again I would:

Still get them a smartphone.
It would be android so I could use the family app (my phone is android and the family controls are very difficult if not impossible to control when parent is android and child is apple)

I would allow texts, WhatsApps (but no large class whatsapp groups, only small groups with closest friends), the school homework app, the life 360 app so I know where they are, and phone calls.

I would NOT allow: Roblox, Snapchat, Instagram, Tictok, YouTube. I know from experience these are addictive apps and cause trouble.

I think we need to admit that nowadays, kids socialise via phones. They arrange to meet up, get together, they even arrange their own birthday get togethers via WhatsApp. And what time and where they're meeting as they walk to school. It's just handy that they can get in touch. Mine have text me to ask what their debit card pin code is when they're stuck in the supermarket etc. they're just handy and they don't have to be an evil, addictive device if you know how to restrict the brainwashing apps.

Mine is 11 (not far off 12).
She got her first phone at 10 and a half. That was only because that's when she started going to the corner shop by herself. A lot of her friends had phone before this though
Yes I did choose a smartphone with monitoring.
She does have wotsapp. I have taken Google off. No social media, tik tok, YouTube, Snapchat etc etc
Absolutely I believe without wotsapp she'd be left out.
But I've had to take her out of some wotsapp groups in the end. Some of groups are just trouble and seem to be people just throwing insults at others every so often. But we've dealt with that.

With my daughter’s phone, the apps are set to turn off after 2hrs combined use. She’s not allowed YouTube or any social media. At 10 she absolutely doesn’t need it. She just wants it more to be able to text granny and call me and take photos of the dog.

I’ve told her no group chats - and when she does get them no more than three friends max. And I get complete approval over who she’s in a chat with. At this age I can get away with these rules.

I would go dumbphone but I wanted to say that I don’t think any amount of monitoring/tracking is too invasive unless you keep it a secret.

Take reading someone’s diary for example. The reason it’s an invasion of privacy is because there’s a reasonable expectation that it be kept private and so people write things they wouldn’t want you knowing. To read it is betraying that trust.

However compare it to work emails - if your boss read them it wouldn’t feel an invasion of privacy because you always know when writing emails that that’s a possibility and so tailor what you write based on that.

I think it’s reasonable to explain to an 11 year old that - although for adults, phones can be private things - they won’t be for her because there are a lot of ways to use it unsafely.

Therefore, if she wants a phone it’s with the understanding that you will be monitoring it in x, y and z ways (and any other boundaries like not being allowed it at night time).

If this isn’t okay with her, she should opt not to get a phone. If she wants privacy, write a diary. None of her phone activity will be private. This is what she signs up for as part of the agreement of being allowed a phone.

Any attempt at trying to get around restrictions, delete messages, download apps you’re not allowed etc will result in immediate confiscation of the phone. If she does accidentally come across anything appropriate, she should inform you.

it might seem strict compared to some of her friends but I think this is a lot fairer than what a lot to people do which is to put no restrictions on and then something happens and they start installing tracking stuff in response to that.

My just 12 yr old has a Nokia brick with no internet access. He has already put one in the washing machine, and left it on the bus so luckily that's a good excuse against a smartphone. As an ex-teacher there's no way I would allow one before thirteen. I've seen the damage they cause to social skills, concentration spans and behaviour. Also he only has a phone at all because he walks home from school for safety reasons.

Neither.

I'm swithering between no phone at all or a heavily locked down one that is kept in our possession and only allowed for strict amounts of time and experiences like talking to friends for a bit on a Friday evening or if away from home on public transport/ out with friends.

@NewDogOwner I definitely think kids out n about on their own, and I mean going to shops or going back and forward to school using public transport or if at secondary level school bus. Need a phone
I think they need to be able to call you for help if necessary, missed the bus, going to a friends or whatever.

People will come out the arc and say 'we never had phones.....' but reality is there are far fewer call boxes available to kids, my secondary had a call box in the reception area, the shop across the road had one, i passed another 3 or 4 call boxes or shops with phones on my way home.

People will be loathed to let a kid borrow a phone incase its a scam and they make off with it.

Another thought is if your DC is likely to walk the dog alone thats another reason to need a phone. If something happens to either of them they need to be able to call for help.

Just teach the kids how to use it as a tool not a comfort blanket.

Kids get addicted easily. You don't let them eat sweets for every meal, you teach them nutrition and how to make good choices. Same with the phone. You don't let them sit round on social media all day, you teach moderation, you provide alternative activities, you do stuff together.

I see it all the time with neighbours - the kids get to 9 or 10 and unless they belong to a sports team, needing transport/support the kids do very little with their parents any more.

Instead of demonising the phone, help them choose how to spend their time productively, how to nourish their brain as well as their body, how to make good choices.