Have I handled this right?

[mmmmkakshch]

Hi

Regular user, lost my password and email address apparently. Need some advice.

5 year old daughter. Only just gone 5. Me and her dad have only recently split up. About 7 weeks ago. Her behaviour hasn't been great but I know she misses her dad so we are just muddling through together. More teary, more tantrums, more defiance. Shes not seeing dad as much as I or she would like. He works shifts and very much uses that as an excuse. She really misses him

So onto the main point she was upstairs playing in her bedroom. I had to cook tea so was downstairs. I was periodically yelling up and checking she was ok. She had her tablet, her toys and pretty much everything she needed. I would have preferred her downstairs but shes just had a birthday so all barbies and accessories are upstairs

I noticed when I came upstairs the house stinks of perfume and my perfume was missing. I asked her where it was and she went oops im sorry and gave me the empty bottle. I was cross. I still am. It wasn't expensive but im a single mum making my way through life and its an expense I can't afford. I did shout. She got really upset so I walked away to take a moment.

When I calmed down I sat with her, hugged her and asked her why. She told me she wanted to clean her tablet and to spray it on her dolls. The bottle was full, its now empty. I told her we dont take what is not ours and I am cross.

Recently ive started giving her 5 pound a week pocket money. To get magazines or little toys etc to teach her things cost money and how to save. The perfume was 20 pounds so ive told her she wont get any pocket money until this is paid off. Shes even more hysterical.
Shes cried herself to sleep. I feel horrible.

Have I done the right thing here?

What about she gets £3/week for 10 weeks?

As pp said, but I would argue that 5 is quite young for pocket money.
What does she do for the money?

£5 a week????? This is too much money at that age.

She puts away her own clothes, feeds the cat, tidies her own room. Google told me it should match her age, so a pound per age though im happy to be told im wrong

Personally I wouldn't make her pay the full £20 because she's only 5, she's going through a lot at the moment, and while it was wrong of her to take your perfume, she doesn't have any concept of how much it cost. What if it had been a more expensive perfume - would you get her to repay £70 for example? The point is to impress upon her that it wasn't worthless so an amount which is significant to her is fair, but I don't think the actual monetary value is (that) relevant. I do appreciate budgeting as a lone parent can be tight.

I think it's fair to stop her pocket money for a week or ask her to pay a small amount towards replacement, but not the whole cost.

If you do want to keep stopping pocket money in your back pocket as a consequence, you've also just talked yourself into a point where you've got no leverage with her for the next 4 weeks. You don't want to keep adding time onto the end of a ban because it becomes ineffective, so any kind of loss of privilege as a consequence should be fairly small and short-lived.

I would also be cautious about stopping it if it's given as a reward for household chores - that's tricky because you're making it do double duty.

IMO the amount of pocket money isn't a one size fits all thing, it should be based on what you want her to be able to afford to buy with it/how much those things would have cost from your budget if you were buying them.

I know that you should stick to things once you've said them and broadly I agree with that, and I don't think you would be unreasonable if you stuck to it for this reason. Sometimes if you REALLY want to make an impression about a behaviour being wrong (e.g. stealing) it's also not a bad thing to be a bit harsher than you usually would be the very first time it happens. But I also think it's OK if you give a harsh consequence in the moment because you're angry or it "feels" right, to later talk to your child calmly and say - actually, I was wrong. I said that you were grounded for a month but I was angry and I think that I was too harsh. You are still grounded for a week. (or whatever.) Then the general chat about the behaviour.

I would also show her where you keep the glass cleaner and how to clean her tablet with a soft cloth and just one spray of the cleaning stuff (directly onto the cloth) because drenching it in liquid is likely to kill the electrics as well.

£5 pocket money per week? Way too much.

But I'd not make her pay the first time she did this, but give a warning and talk it through.

She's only five, her reasons make sense at five.

I think this was more a moment for education than punishment. In her head she was not even doing anything wrong bless her. Was just a little idea she had in her childish brain that seemed to be a nice idea and make sense
I think try to repair and maybe do 1 week no pocket money to help replace it if you want to go down that route. Maybe could ask her how to make it better and see if she offers as that would be even better