7 year old being excluded?

[Laila35]

I’d really appreciate some advice from anyone who’s been through something similar. My DD is 7 and has always had a small friendship group of three. Girl 1 she considers her best friend, and Girl 2 she has more of a love/hate relationship with, mainly because Girl 2 is very attached to Girl 1 and doesn’t really branch out. It got to the point that her and Girl 2 were just arguing and there were a few occasions we had to contact the school, so we encouraged her to widen her friendships and were so proud when she did. She started playing with two other girls, which at first was lovely. But over time, one of the girls began excluding her - running away, telling her she couldn’t join in, and even (on playdates I’ve seen myself) telling the other girl to leave my DD out and that she should “go home.”

Now she’s often drifting back to her original group or, worse, ending up on her own because she hasn’t quite found her ‘crew’ yet. The hardest part is that one-to-one she gets along brilliantly with all of these girls, but in a group it falls apart. To complicate things, I’m also quite close with all the parents, which makes it more awkward.

Has anyone else’s child gone through this? What helped, and how do I best support her right now? Does it get better?!

3is a really bad number unfortunately. Bigger groups tend to work better.

I would discourage the idea of a “best friend”. I’d also encourage friendships outside of school.

I also think it’s really interesting that you say she has a live/hate relationship with girl 2 because girl 2 attaches herself to girl 1 and won’t branch out. It makes it sound like you would be happy for girl 2 to be excluded as long as your DD is not.

Friendships will ebb and flow. Encourage DD to be the kind of friend she would like to have - kind inclusive and fun.

Obviously if there is bullying then speak to the teacher. Do not approach the parents or imply in any way that their DC are excluding yours. They will just get defensive and it will not end well.

Sounds like me aged 7-10, in the 70s. Twos company, threes a crowd. I would suggest lots of out of school activities the widen your DDs friendship pool. Brownies, martial arts, drama...whatever floats her boat. Break the dependency on a 'bestie' .

We had similar. Child 1 was lovely, funny kind and really gentle personality. Child 2 was fine most days but had some days where she was really quite horrible to my DD. I spent a lot of time saying things like “perhaps she’s having a bad day. It’s completely fine to go and find someone else to play with if she doesn’t want to play with you”.

How does the school handle this? Are there any organised events during any of the lunchtimes? When DS was in Y6 he helped to organise “Fun Friday” where they’d do games for the younger kids.

Is there a Friendship Bench or peer Counselling?

She might find this book helpful too

You just need to encourage more 1 to 1 friendships. Is this happening in the context of all the mum’s getting together and letting the kids play? If so, sounds like that dynamic isn’t working anymore without a bit of facilitation. I’d focus on teaching her to be kind herself and include everyone, but setting up 1 to 1 play dates so these dynamics don’t come into play.