Sibling dynamics - looking for general advice!

[nutellllla]

I’m looking for any tips, advice, anything really on bringing up siblings together. I want to (as I’m sure all parents of multiples do) avoid jealousy, bad feelings, resentment etc. I am an only child, so this whole sibling thing is very foreign to me.

I made another post on AIBU about sharing toys, and while I maybe didn’t explain myself too well, the overwhelming response against my original thinking made me realise I have no clue about anything! I felt pretty confident parenting my DD (18m) but now with the new addition of DS (2m) I’m a bit lost.

My kids are in their late 20s and early 30’s and really close. They actively arrange to see each other. One lives a few hours away and they still all arrange weekends together. We are often involved too but they do things without us ( which I think it lovely!).

I think there is lots of luck involved with them getting on but I think there are a few things that may have helped. I think the fact they are close in age is good and I had boy, boy then girl girl which seemed to work well.

I didn’t over schedule them when they were kids and I made a point of not entertaining them the whole time. Basically they had plenty of time to play together. Some of my friends kids never seemed to have a moment to themselves. I also got them playing board games and group video games from the get go so they got lots of opportunities to play together. I used to play with them if needed to make sure it was fun for them.

I insisted on them being polite and nice to each other. It didn’t always work and they went through stages of annoying each other but generally they liked each other (luckily)
Otherwise I think trying to make sure you have a happy, loving fun household means that the kids are more likely to get on.

In my small experience, I think as a parent you have less influence than you think! I have come to the conclusion that as a parent the main influence I have is not to screw things up!
However having said that there are things that you can do, I read the Siblings without Rivalry book which was quite useful and I should re-read it.
The essence of what I try to follow is not to take sides, so just comment on what's happened where necessary, and maybe give suggestions and tips where possible. I find it useful to have rules like no hitting, but when someone has been hit, to go for "no hitting" but then discuss with the one who's been hit rather than the hitter. It's weird but it gives the attention and support to the correct child and let's them discuss why they were hit in a neutral way. Then we approach the hitter and ask if they calmed down and ready to say sorry.
It sounds super weird the way I wrote it but it does seem more authentic and it does seem to work on some level for us.
The other thing is to give them opportunities to help each other. So when the oldest wants a million and one last requests at bed time I say sorry it's too late but I can tell your brother you'd like him to check on you, then you can ask.
So it gets around the bed time stalling and I'm not bringing books, soft toys, cups of water, and it gives them an opportunity to work together nicely.
Another one when they are a bit older just to plan things together like the older one can plan a little trip with the younger one (, obviously I would come too) or maybe picnic or whatever, just try to get them showing off their adulting skills.

And sometimes they just want to stay apart and that's fine too.
Can't really think of much else off hand. But the main thing is that all of you can find the way for you, rather than following a template.

I was about recommend Siblings without Rivalry too. @johnd2 summary is pretty good but I’d also add enduring you give each child ‘mummy time’ in other words, your undivided attention one on one, and explain to the other child that they’ll get ‘mummy time’too ( obviously it doesn’t just have to the mum, or the dad, it’s just a way of saying focussed exclusive time together.
For me, if one was at an activity e.g dance class I’d take the other for tea and cake, and then vice versa. So they both looked forward to having their own ‘mummy time’
Even now, as adults, they all like it! And sorry, I know the phrase is a bit cringe!

Mine are 2.4 years apart .....Something I remember reading was to try not to encourage competition between them. It's so easy to say 'whos going to get their pyjamas on first!' just to get them to do the bloody thing. The alternative is to make the competition between you and them, like 'i wonder if you both can get your pyjamas on before mummy gets back with the books'

I try and treat mine both the same (they are 1 and just 4) i.e. if younger one hurts the oldest I'm careful not to say 'shes just a baby she didn't mean it' (even if it's true). I ask youngest to apologise and give a hug. Basically don't make excuses for the younger one (I also say this as an older sister with a younger brother who could do no wrong in my mother's eyes)

And finally don't make older DD 'be the example' ....like you have to behave this way to show DD2 how it's done. Or if DD2 does something she shouldn't, it's so easy to say 'well she learnt that from you!' I'm trying hard not to do that.

Think I might read the book that's been recommended by PP actually

Agree one on one time is so important especially with the oldest.

It's tough, really rough at times, but the good moments between them outweigh everything x