Not sure I want my parents to provide childcare when I go back to work

[Seashore88]

I feel like this last year has been a lot, so bear with because I’ll also give a bit of background…

Basically, I get pure anxiety at the thought of my parents looking after my son when I to back to work in January - I got the same anxiety with my older daughters but I had limited other choice. I’m considering asking my friend who was a teacher and now a childminder to look after him, he will be there with her daughter who is a similar (will be 13 months and 9-10 months). I’m hoping doing something structured will help development wise and also the social aspect too.

I know my parents will be upset/angry. However it’s now 10 years since they did it for my older kids. I’m not 100% sure they’d be able to keep up. They don’t have a car seat and with my older daughters they wouldn’t buy a new one and instead used a second hand one that was over 5 years old and really shouldn’t have been used at all. They have mentioned a few times recently that they were annoyed with a little boy in the family for running a toy car over their high gloss furniture and making a grubby mark. They won’t safety proof their home, didn’t for my girls either. They are very reluctant to get a car seat that’s safe and meeting 2025s regs. My dad can have a bit of a short fuse (think it’s the teacher in him) with both people and things - witnessed him losing his rag a bit when unable to fold pushchairs down on the past and getting a bit heavy handed with them. Also had a bit of meltdown when orange juice splashed on him while out at costa in the last couple of weeks. I found it frustrating that they used to give my older kids inappropriate things to eat such as BBs muffins (if you do it then that’s your choice but it’s never been mine) and have been known to dip a dummy in a glass of red wine and give it to them while I’ve been out of the room and find it hilarious. I’ve felt left out a few times in the past when they’ve taken them on days out while I’ve been at work and not told me where they are.

I feel like this pregnancy/newborn period was really rough - he has x2 heart defects and we had weight gain issues where he was admitted to hospital and we introduced a bit of high calorie formula alongside breastfeeding - felt like an utter failure but that’s another story, but support from them was minimal. He was an unplanned baby which was a lot to digest initially, then the heart defects pushed me over the edge - in the meantime my mother decided to tell coffee shop/next workers where they frequently go he was a surprise because my husband had a vasectomy but didn’t work. So while I was trying to process my baby having heart defects, I also had people I don’t know asking about his vasectomy and whether he had any doubt the baby was his - which was humiliating to say the least.

Added to the mix is my grandad who’s just being diagnosed with dementia, so my mam is going and providing a bit more support than usual. She does a lot of ferrying them around for hospital appointments etc too.

Probably sound absolutely ridiculous and overprotective to some people. Some people probably wish they had retired parents! I guess just feel like I need to get some things off my chest/see what others thoughts and feelings may be around sensitive issues such as these.

Just pay for childcare. You are unreasonable to expect them to buy a car seat, you should cover costs associated with them helping you out. But overall I think it will just be stressful and not great for you, them or your little one for them to do the bulk of the childcare.

All these things are very good reasons for your parents not to look after them and for your ex-teacher childminder friend to look after him. He’s your child and you get to decide. Just be firm and clear with your parents. They’ll get over it. You don’t need to explain yourself which could start an argument. Can you pretend that you don’t even know they want to look after your son or has there been a discussion? Can you just say you’ve booked him in with your friend (and nothing else / no other additional comments)? If a reason is needed, can you have other statements to hand such as:

Friend’s childcare is more convenient as on way to work / shorter travel time (if it is) or timings work well (such as needing your get to work by a specific time in the morning and your friend is already open by then and it’s too early for parents, or too late if the parents have any activities late afternoon etc that might interfere with childcare)

Keen for son to be around others same age as this will help with learning, development and preparation for school

It will be too difficult for you having to deal with grandad and you might not be able to do both caring roles later, and I want consistent childcare for my son so it’s best if he goes to my friend rather than having to change where he goes in a few months or in a year’s time

Whilst he’ll have an amazing time with you, he’ll get more structure with friend and I’m keen that he gets this especially with all health scares he’s had already

etc

It’s easy to work with childminders to get the care you want, less so with parents. They’ll just do what you they want and half the time you won’t know what’s going on, or get half the story, and you won’t be able to disagree or say you’re not happy with their childcare without an argument and affecting (1) the relationship between you and your parents (2) tye relationship between your son and his grandparents and potentially (3) relationships with other family member if anyone complains or moans etc and other family members take sides. You don’t need to go down that route.

Paid childcare 100%

My parents are fine and well intended and promised the world when I was pregnant but in reality they really weren't cut out for it. They don't have the energy or the patience or the knowledge. It was so obvious early on. Which is understandable, the last time they cared for a small child was 37 years ago!!!

I took the decision out of their hands by hiring a nanny without telling them. They were actually relieved. My mum gets jealous of the nanny but that's her issue really. She's always wanted to be a motherly mum, failed to be one with me, thought being a grandma was a second chance at things but really, it's not who she is. And that's fine.

You are the parent so choose whichever you feel most comfortable with - and without apology. I wouldn’t like all those issues you listed either and the last thing you need are more things to worry about