When one siblings dad is involved and the other ones is not.

[Lavenderbluex]

Hi all,
Looking for some advice and apologies for the long post. I have two ds (4 and 1). I was married to ds1 dad but we divorced when he was a baby. Ds2 was unplanned and I split with his dad whilst pregnant as he cheated and went off with OW.

He was briefly involved after ds2 was born but disappeared a few months later. Blocked me on everything and I’ve never heard from him since. The only time I’ve tried contacting him was when ds2 was admitted to hospital with suspected sepsis. He had recurrent petechial rashes and the consultant was wanting to know if there was any blood disorders/haemophilia on either families side. Texted him off my other phone and he blocked me straight away.

Anyways, ds1s dad is very involved and a great parent. He has ds1 every weekend and regularly takes him on holidays. He’s great with ds2. He plays with him when he comes over and buys him a little present when it’s ds1s birthday or when he’s been on holiday.

Ds2 has taken a big shine to him and shouts dada whenever he sees him. He’s only 17 months so I with say XH name instead when he says it but of course he doesn’t understand and copies ds1.

I cant help but feel awful for when he’s older and starts asking about his dad or why he doesn’t go with ds1 to XHs on the weekend (of course I wouldn’t ever expect XH to bring him along too).

Has anyone been through similar? I always try and make our weekends together as fun as possible and hope to take him away on day trips when he’s a little older. Alternatively, I don’t want ds1 to think I’m favouriting ds2 by taking him places (I regularly take them on day trips together during school holidays when I have to them both).

Any advice appreciated!

Do you think your ds1s dad could agree to being a surrogate dad for him, or would this be too much to ask? It sounds like they both have a soft spot for each other!

@GooglieWooglyWooglyWooglyWoo Thanks for your reply 😊I don’t see it happening unfortunately. XH is an Arab and in his culture, it’s a very big taboo that I’ve went on to have a child out of wedlock, especially with a non Muslim. However they do have a great bond and xMil was lovely to ds2 when she met him.

this sounds so difficult especially as dad1 is so lovely. I think sit down and have an honest conversation with him. He may well be fond of DS2, and while that translates to a little present and a hug here and there what happens when DS1 goes on holiday or gets to go on the school ski trip etc? I think you all owe it to each other to have open conversations about this as young as possible so that expectations are set

I think all that you can do is keep explaining the family relations, he will start to understand more as he gets older.

Do you think your ex might agree to be known as “uncle” or similar to your younger son? It might be a nicer sort of bond of the kind you might have with your distant relative or friends of your parents?

I think this is the risk you take if you have children with another partner, I've seen this happen a lot and a lot of posters seem to think the other dad should step up and fill in the gap of a father figure which I don't think can really be expected