Autism - parenting tantrum or meltdown?!

[HelloSunshine100]

Long story short
6 year old DS diagnosed autistic. Academically very able, no speech and language issues. Development wise no concerns. Struggles with social interactions, lots of stimming, repetitive behaviours had ASD assessment and diagnosed one year ago
Really struggling with behaviour and being told no he can’t have things mainly - screen related. When told no or can watch tv/ play game later goes absolutely mad. Extremely emotional, explosive will hit or lash out scream shout etc. is so emotionally unregulated and unable to calm down. Seems more like a 2-3 year old rather than 6
it is upsetting to watch so quite often we eventually give in. I know this is probably not the best way to handle it and we need to stand down and be firm but the tantrum or meltdown would go on and on and often would impact on his mood and compliance for the rest of the day
is this behaviour a tantrum or meltdown?!
any advice please

If it’s screen based the following helped us

1. keep it short - anything gaming related no longer than 15 mins. Brain couldn’t cope with more than that. Ideally no gaming at all.
2. Have a routine - when and what eg Mondays 17:00-18:00 is tv time
3. Really really try not to give into tantrums. My DS could really tantrum but giving in made it worse. You as the parent know what is best.

Also neuro diverse children are typically much younger developmentally than their biological ages. I have heard anything from 18 months to 2 years. If you can reduce screens - especially anything non tv or streaming as much as possible. And get outside a lot or swimming. It’s really good and tires them out. My autistic DC didn’t like team sports so we tried more individual things. It’s not easy but hold firm and a routine and visual reminders are good. Do you have any help ? Tony Atwood is supposed to be very good. Maybe some of the autism charities have helplines you could access?

Could’ve written this except my ds is 8 and not officially diagnosed (on waiting list for assessment). Screens are a big issue for us too, more so in the holidays when there is not as much routine and endless hours to fill. I’ve come to realise he uses screens to self soothe/ regulate. I feel very uncomfortable that he can be on screens for a few hours a day. He doesn’t like coming off them but during term time, it’s so busy that it’s his downtime. His hyper focus is football so he watches football related videos mainly.

I find giving countdowns works best before asking him to put it down

I get really stressed about the mindless scrolling and I know I need to work harder to reduce the time spent on them

Sounds super draining. A tip that might help is to give the advance warning "15 minutes screen time then we do x" but also play out the feeling too, so "how will you feel when it's time to stop?" "And then what will you do to calm down?" Etc.
You can act it out with a piece of paper in place of the screen, or whatever level of detail.
I found that putting back the control on him can help with problem solving and also flips the situation a bit which can alternate any PDA tendencies.
Also you can even give them the limit to decide eg normally you struggle with finishing, do you think a longer or shorter time would make it easier? Then we have a big visual timer which he can set himself and when it gets to zero it rings and he knows it's time to stop. Although I use it more for meals nowadays.
I think it's really a matter of experimentation though, given yours seems good at logical understanding and it's the emotional side and transitions that's troublesome I think it's worth trying. Good luck!

We're having a very similar issue with DD at the minute, and her behaviours seem very similar- we have her assessment tomorrow.

For us, it is a meltdown, she cannot control it. Screens are what she uses to regulate herself if she's unsettled. But we still hold firm- ish on the boundaries. We give multiple warnings for timescales, we sometimes let her have one more episode as the little bit of giving in mitigates the aftermath, but generally it's a non- last night that resulted in a meltdown and her trying to kick, which is a fairly recent development.

We're making notes on her worst behaviour is, and trying to alter. Tablet time is the worst, trying to remove that as much as we can. Netflix and YouTube where the shows just keep on rolling with no end point are really bad too. Timers don't work here, just escalate the anxiety.