Am I expecting too much of my four year old?

[Whaleadthesnail]

Honestly I thought the meltdowns about trivial things would have stopped by now, or at least not still be happening EVERY DAMN DAY.

DD was 4 in July, and almost every morning descends into a screaming fit about something or other. It's like a switch she'll be absolutely fine bubbly and happy and then all of a sudden you've done the wrong thing and there's no coming back from it. It's ruining almost every morning so we all end up starting the day in a bad mood.

Here are some recent examples:

• refuses to go to the toilet when she wakes up, something she's been doing EVERYDAY for 2 years. We end up carrying her there because she's obviously about to burst. She's in a foul mood because of it.

• says she wants me to choose clothes for her to wear. Screams no NOT THAT ONE, throws it across the room. Is crying on the floor but will not choose herself and will not allow me to choose either. I end up forcefully dressing her. Screaming/crying etc.

• asks her dad for help putting her shoes on. He undoes the buckles to put them on. She screams because she wants him to put them on with the buckles done up. Obviously this is not possible. Shoes get thrown across the room. Screaming/crying continues.

• Asks me for help putting socks on. I scrunch them up to the toes to slide them on that way. She screams NO NOT THAT WAY. Then will not let me help even though she asked. Will not do it herself. Socks get chucked. Screaming/crying continues.

• she asked me to do a bun in her hair. I do a bun. She is upset because her hat won't go over it. I start to re-do the bun and she asks for a ponytail instead. She asks if I am doing a ponytail and I say yes. She screams at me because she wants a bun. I say I will literally do whatever she wants just tell me. It's too late because she's already descended into screaming and crying and I can't get through to her.

Another thing is she'll default to crying/whining for things even when she's just asking for something, like more weetabix or a glass of water or just basic things I would say yes to.

She's incredibly bright, she doesn't tantrum like this if I say no to things she asks for like toys in a shop, she's generally a good kid e.g. will turn the TV off straight away when I say, will clear up her toys when asked etc. it's just these huge meltdowns that seem to come out of nowhere I can't get my head around.

Where are we going wrong?

“Fucking fours” 😂 😂 Christ I didn’t realise it was this after the ‘threenager’ 😂 lawd help me

On some of these, I think you are giving her too little control. Can’t you turn things into a joke, or wait for her to realise she needs the toilet? My DD takes her time aged 2 to go for her morning wee on the potty and I’m fine with that!

I do think the less you can physically force your child and the more you can give them the illusion of having choices the better. Plus tons of positive reinforcement. Punishments etc at this age are very ineffective.

Totally normal. My DC1 was quite like this at that age and my DC2 is almost 4 and now also quite like this. They will outgrow it, grit your teeth, try to stay as calm as possible. I find making things into a game often helps.

Small simple choices maybe
So
'Do you want to do downstairs first, or do you need a wee?'
Just ask once and let her get on with it.
Put 2 top and 2 bottoms on her bed
'I've put clothes in your bed, you choose which one's you want and bring them down, and I can help you put them on'

The socks and shoes could well be sensory.
'Let's do your socks together - show me how you want to do it'

I suspect with the buckles she might mean she wants the buckles loosening, but not taking apart completely.
Can you and your husband work on tryng it her way together?
It might be just too much touching if her feet.

Can I ask what age she started doing this @Whaleadthesnail? My 2 year old is exactly the same, your examples are uncanny. She has been ‘difficult’ since the day she was born and I am exhausted and nervous for the coming years.

My two year old does lots of this I’m very sad to see he might not grow out of it soon!
um I think you can expect more and maybe reward chart for no whining and screaming?

DS1 was awful in the mornings. In the end I decided if we were late then so be it. I couldn't keep fighting.

He is at uni now and copes fine, possibly ASD but never diagnosed or needed to be TBH