Is it normal to feel this doom and anxiety worrying about my kids

[Slawi]

I am posting to find out if there’s anybody else who thinks as I do and how normal it is… I am 36 years old with 2 children, my daughter is 4 and my son is 9 months old. Currently breastfeeding (as maybe the hormones involved can explain some of how I’m feeling). I have suffered with depression in the past but I since having my daughter I find I do not have time to be depressed, nor do I actually have anything to be depressed about. I am actually very grateful, appreciative and content with my life and I am experiencing no hardship. I am not longer with my daughter’s father but I live now with my son’s father. I am quite a perfectionist type and tend to be an analyser and overthinker. I would say I am constantly in a state of stress.
Since my daughter was born I experienced bad thoughts of terrible things happening to her that were out of my control, things like me carrying her and her leaning and falling out of my arms over the banister. Or if she went with her dad for some time I would imagine that he would get into a car accident and that if she was helpless and wanting me, I wouldn’t be there to do anything. I would hear about vicious dog attacks and text her dad to let him know not to go near any dogs with her, or I wouldn’t be able to sleep when she stayed overnight with him and end up texting him to make sure he had a working carbon monoxide monitor! I have these thoughts less with my son because he is with me constantly, although I am terrified of accidents or choking and not being able to do anything. Recently things have got worse. Of a night time when I sit and scroll on my phone, the doom stories just keep on coming. About demons and babies and deaths and terrorists, conspiracy theories and the general state of the world. I feel so helpless that I can’t protect my kids. I image scary scenarios that I can’t remedy. It is all very morbid. I imagine my own death and how it would affect my kids and everything.
Obviously the algorithm is now set on these things because I watch and dwell on them so I just see more of it. My partner is oblivious and clearly has a different algorithm or is just more chilled with life. Maybe it is a mum thing? We went on a long haul flight last year and are set to go again this year, and all I worry about is something terrible happening and my children suffering! It’s so consuming. I am definitely anxious and sometimes get overwhelmed with the chaos and noises of a life with 2 kids. I feel like I have no time or consideration for myself, but then I feel guilty for thinking about that.
I am just wondering if this resonates with anyone and whether this (irrational) worry is just part of being a mum?

Intrusive thoughts are very common I find as a Mum, but not to the point that they intrude on my daily life, more of a quick, fleeting thought I can brush off and im aware its irrational. Maybe you need to speak to your GP?

I was having similar thoughts - although perhaps not so extreme - and had online therapy to deal with it. It took a while but it was structured to reframe my thinking and recognise when I was catastrophising. I am now much better.

It is not normal and is a sign of anxiety/ depression. You need to speak to someone.

I planned every minute detail of one of my DCs funerals. They weren’t sick, never go till. We’re taught to cross roads eagerly. They are 28 now and happy and healthy.

i think a lot of parents go have dark thoughts at times.

I don't think this is normal OP.

I suppose I am really hoping (and would feel better) if people felt the same, but I do want the truth and would like to get rid of the feeing if it’s not normal, because also I would hate to think that the kids pick up on it or I would pass any anxiety on to them (of course I never would let my children hear my doom thoughts) but they probably would feel my general anxiety. I am generally quite a rational person. Just think worst case scenario when it comes to the kids. I think it doesn’t help that I’m not with my daughter’s father and a lot of the anxiety I feel is when she is with him (although I have no reason to doubt her safety with him). I am at the doctors for something unrelated soon so I will mention it to them. Thanks

I think we all can imagine the worst things happening to our children. I have thoughts a lot like this; it is the biggest fear in life. It's probably a deep rooted awareness of what could harm them that ultimately keeps them safe, building instincts. Get the algorithms changing to something else and don't dwell. I think it was worse for me when they were small.

I totally get the thoughts, I think every parent has a 'worst case scenario' and after all they are the most important precious thing in the entire universe to you. I have rung my son's dad as I couldn't rest knowing he had a sweet in the car, it's definitely an anxiety thing though and does sound like yours has maybe spilled into post natal anxiety? Maybe having your son has ramped things up a bit? Absolutely massively common so your not on your own, it just does just sound like it's maybe teetering over the edge of 'normal' (although j hate that word!)

Around the time I started fostering a baby I started to notice videos about babies dying of SIDs popping up on my TikTok FYP. I felt I had to watch each one to the end to see if it explained exactly how the baby died so I could make sure this baby wouldn’t die the same way. And of course the more I watched the more of that type of video would pop up, and I got more and more fearful of the baby dying in her sleep. In the end I had to force myself to scroll past any video like that because it wasn’t doing me any good watching them and was making me so afraid. It did help when I wasn’t seeing them all the time.

I do think fears about your children are normal. But if they take over your life, then you need to seek help.

(Not glad) but glad to hear that others at least have some intrusive thoughts. And yes, it’s just out of overwhelming love! I have definitely got worse since my son was born, and yet I don’t have as many of the thoughts about him, as I say, he’s with me 24/7 so I have more “control” of situations. I am trying to avoid social media and the doom posts to change what I am exposing myself to… some things I never even thought of until I see a post and then I have a new fear 🤦‍♀️ it’s kind of become a running joke in my family now that I am a “worrier” so I was just thinking I had to accept that this is how I am and how it is! We went to the beach recently with a big group and the kids were digging huge holes near the sea and I got ridiculed for getting them all out like a crazy woman in case they got sucked in 😳
sorry, I don’t know how to tag this, but to the poster who had online therapy, were you referred through the GP? Thanks

@Iloveagoodnap (figured out how to tag)
this is awful! Once you’ve watched it it’s too late isn’t it 😓 you can’t get it out of your mind, but you also want to be informed! I go down the rabbit hole!

@mothernurturetherapy and everyone, thank you for your comments. I will definitely ask at the doctors. And seeing as it seems my thoughts are beyond what’s normal, I know there are some things that I can do to probably help myself, like avoiding the scary social media stories! Also I am mostly scrolling my phone at night time when the kids are asleep and that’s when the anxiety really hits, especially when my daughter is staying with her dad.
I thought someone might say because I am breastfeeding my hormones are a wreck and I will go back to normal, and I breastfed my 4 year old until she was 2.5 so I suppose there was only half a year until I was pregnant again.
Also, as I said, I am entirely aware that the thoughts are irrational and have kind of accepted that I am more of a worrier than others. It is comforting in a way to know that it’s not normal because I can use it to convince myself that I’m being silly and these things won’t truly happen 🤷‍♀️ if that makes sense. Xx

Hi OP, I have this too but it sounds like mine is managed 'better' for want of a better word. I have three young children, I have always struggled with this type of thing to some degree but it definitely got a lot worse in my third pregnancy after finding there was a possible complication/risk factor with the pregnancy. That baby is nearing 1 and I'm much better than I was in terms of fear of them dying (which I honestly struggled with a lot during pregnancy and the first few months). But I do get all kinds of other whacky scary intrusive thoughts.

I am lucky that I've had successful talking therapies in the past for other things - CBT for severe generalised anxiety, and tailored talking therapy for birth trauma and fear of birth. I therefore find some of the strategies I learned in those help me manage this to and I try my best to use them. For example one thing I found so powerful was to be told that even IF 'the worst' DID happen, worrying about it in advance wouldn't change anything at that point and it wouldn't make it easier to deal with or make me any less stressed/upset/whatever at that time. So really it's a total waste of energy and just ruining the now. I give myself a stern talking to when I notice the thoughts pop up and try to rein them in and focus on something else in the hear and now instead.

I don't really use social media anymore. Very rarely check Facebook only. I don't have any other social media accounts. I also no longer watch or read the news or any serious documentaries before bed or in the small hours (up constantly in the night with the baby) so I'm not stressing myself when I need to sleep.

When I'm going to bed I tend to find reading before bed helps me sleep and also gradual muscle relaxation exercises. I do those if I don't go back off to sleep in the night too. I also do visualisation exercises of nice calming places in the night if I can't sleep.

Also I very very rarely verbalise any of the weird thoughts anymore. I found when I did do that it was making it worse, DH would try to reassure me and actually that was just giving the thoughts more power in the extra time and headspace. I don't know if that is perhaps different for other people but that's how I've found it anyway.

Hi OP, solidarity as I’ve got a 9m who I am also BF and a 3yo. The intrusive thoughts are wild!! Honestly we recently went long haul and I did keep thinking of disasters. I think intrusive thoughts are so normal, but I think it becomes an issue if your logic can’t prevail and it actually does stop you from doing things! It’s a slippery slope then and probably worth discussing with someone at your GP or via your HV. Unrelated to this, I came off social media when DD2 was 11 weeks old and my general feelings and mental health are so much better so I’d definitely recommend that too.

@mothernurturetherapy i have read through your site and a lot of it resonates with me. Thank you. I will go on to the links to the techniques but don’t think I can handle the other people’s scary thoughts at the moment through fear of adding to my own 😓

@LegoHouse274 thanks for taking the time to write your experience. Yes, like you I think I have a degree of this already and just learn to live with anxiety. I remember worrying about my little brother when I was only a child myself. If I heard him cough in bed I used to shout down to my mum that he wasn’t able to breathe 😳 he is 33 now, was and is still fine! If my mum and dad went out, I used to stay awake until they came home just to know they were okay. I’m a bit messed up really now I think about it 😅 and some OCD tendencies, but I haven’t ever had any therapy or CBT. Yes, could be worth having some sort of distraction to stop me dwelling on something. I do try to write “to do” lists to focus but I always end up on the social media - I think it really is the culprit. @Btowngirl Might be time for me to have a break.
Funny that you mention about not verbalising the thoughts, because I’ve been very vague here. I daren’t speak of some things because I don’t want to give them the power but also because I’ll probably seem like a nutter! I did have a conversation with my partner about stockpiling food, water, medication etc for any apocalyptic event that might happen. Which is funny because I can just about manage to shop and figure out what we’re having for tea for the next couple of days 😅

IME intrusive thoughts about very small people are definitely common - I was told intrusive thoughts are your brain saying ‘WHOAH NO DON’T LET THAT HAPPEN.’ I couldn’t sleep properly until my son could sit up unaided (I had a terrible fear of SIDS). But my intrusive thoughts tended to be more ‘what if I do something wrong/bad.’ I think it was just proof that I very much wasn’t going to do
those things. I also have a history of anxiety.

As a group, babies and infants are very vulnerable, and they are totally reliant on whoever is in charge. That’s quite a terrifying thought in itself. And it’s a scary time to be alive -
not because the world is more dangerous to children, really, infant mortality rates show otherwise (here, I only mean here) but because we have access to so much information.

As parents we are wise to be vigilant. You are intelligent so know that worrying about all the freak horrors you read about online is compelling but also
makes you unhappy. I am not going to say what worries me cos it’s irrelevant but my kids are both taller than me and I sometime a have a flash of visceral fear
at them being hurt or afraid, so yes, I think it’s just our maternal programmes running the test programme. And putting a lot of doomy data in can skew the output a bit. Ultimately we need to be able to decide what’s a reasonable response and what’s edging into a problem. Don’t fall asleep with the baby on the sofa is reasonable risk analysis. What if I fall down the stairs carrying her (another one that used to worry me) well., what’s the alternative? A stairlift?

To be fair to you, I also think saying ‘watch out for dogs’ and ‘is your CO2 alarm working’ are just good sense. You love them, and are a great mum. Agree that a chat to your doctor wouldn’t hurt anything, but don’t worry too much about the worrying either. It’ll calm down, and if it doesn’t, then you know what’s going on, and can deal with that.

Oh yeah, just saw your update. Was afraid to
stop breast-feeding in case there was an apocalyptic event and the water went off and everyone raided the supermarkets and I couldn’t get formula. Thank you, The Road.

It’s when you stop laughing at the wilder thoughts and enact them that I think it’s an issue. Wanting to stockpile food and medicine is not that unusual (COVID was fun, still remember trying to get infant paracetamol) but you’re aware that you’re not thinking the way you normally would. I reckon there’s a grain of sense in most scenarios (up to but probably excluding ‘what if - demons’) and it’s just about selecting what ones are worth listening to. It’s not being able to do
that that leads to over-protective parenting and causes damage to the kids.

@namechangedforvalidreasons thank you for you long message, it did make me feel better. I’m on one again now because my daughter is with her dad for the next couple of days. He called earlier after I dropped her and my heart sank but he just wanted to find out if she needed supplies for starting school whilst he was out shopping 😩😅 the breastfeeding forever thing has crossed my mind…made me laugh! I have thought about feeding the whole family! If the apocalypse happens just need to keep me fed and hydrated and I’ll feed everyone else 🙄🤦‍♀️
I’ve been completely avoiding the doom videos and reduced the amount of time I’m on Facebook and I think it has helped! At the doctors Wednesday so I am going to mention and see if there are any therapies that they can offer. Very grateful for all the comments and people who have taken the time to answer and make me feel a bit more sane.
It’s a bit of a cruel trick really… having children is such a joy and privilege but you don’t realise how much you’ll love them and the worry you’ll have forever.
I am also aware that I’m in a stage of trying to raise 2 small children, have very little sleep, energy, time for myself (also trying to continue with -now 3 years- renovations in my house but not really making much progress), then trying not to feel guilty for wishing I had more time to myself or maybe I’ve not been present enough 🙄 then by the end of the day I don’t want to do much more than sit on the sofa and scroll Facebook a while before I get in bed myself. I have got myself set up to learn crochet so I can busy myself with that instead 👍