DD 9 not wanting to go to her dads?

[Sazpot]

DD normally stops at her dads 6 nights a month. This has been the routine since she was around 2 years old. The last year or so she started saying ‘do I have to?’ But would always go. For the last couple of months she’s really pushing not to go either she’ll say she’s ill on those days or she’ll ask me to message her dad saying that she can’t go because we have plans. I’ve asked why and she just says because she likes staying at home with me.

I’m not sure if she’s getting to the age now where she would rather be at one house than swapping between two. I think another reason might be because her dad try’s to include her in his hobbies / activities which is lovely but she doesn’t have fun doing that.

I don’t want to speak to him about this because he will be heartbroken he is a good dad and I would like her to continue going but I feel guilty taking her when she is telling me she wants to stay at home. I did think maybe I could suggest dropping to 4 nights a month.

Any advice going forward?

Can you try and gently find out why she doesn't want to go? She is at an age where she will be beginning to want privacy when bathing or dressing, maybe there is something else happening or not happening that makes her uncomfortable. Even small things can be significant for children, and it might be a worry that can be easily dealt with.

I remember not wanting to go and stay with my dad when I was a kid and feeling quite guilty about it. I would see him one weekend a month, and it was fine when I was younger, but once I got to about 12 I started to become more aware of the fact we didn't have a close relationship and spending time with him became increasingly awkward.

He didn't have a clue how to relate to a pre-teen girl and I didn't know how to communicate with him either. We had nothing in common and I often felt like he was going through the motions with me. I also felt like all my friends had much more fun weekends planned and resented feeling stuck in this visiting arrangement that had been organised by the adults around me. I'm not saying this is the situation with your DD - they might have a close relationship and he might be a very attentive dad. It's something to consider though.

I also felt bad leaving my mum sometimes because I worried she was lonely to knew I would miss her, even just for a couple of days. So it might not be that she doesn't want to go to see her dad and more that she doesn't want to leave you?