No help, DH self employed, how does everyone do it with baby?

[NurtureGrow]

Hello,

Ive been trying to find a solution for this and not managed. We have a baby under 1 year old.

My husband is starting a business and usually starts work around 6am-6pm. So he can’t help in the morning. He also sometimes works a day on the weekend and has physical training to do for some hours on the other weekend day. I don’t have time to arrange time out on the weekend with others, and I want to spend time with him and our baby.

I am grateful my husband does sometimes cooks us basic evening meals, about 50% of the time.

But I do around
85% cleaning at least
95% maintaining house (fixing things/getting things fixed, improving, making repairs)
95% gardening
100% baby cooking / food prep
50% cooking for our dinner

We have no family help. I’ve probably been able to leave our baby max 4hrs with my mum in 1 year and they were very disrupted, (her coming to ask me things.)

My husband needs time for his business and says in 2 years, it will be clear if it’s working.

In the meantime, I am just not keeping up with everything. How do people cope and do this?? We have a cleaner every 2 weeks for a couple of hours. We can’t afford a babysitter or someone to do the garden.

I’ve thought about buying a chest freezer to try to meal prep for the next 2-4 weeks over 1 day. I’ve also thought about seeing if someone would do a skill exchange, I cook for them, they fix things in our house or garden. I feel there must be a way and I haven’t found it. My husband and I have recently been getting stressed and arguing, I don’t want to live in this way.

I know we all have the same number of hours day. How do people manage / any time saving things etc?

Thank you x

I'd recommend a chest freezer and meal prep. This is what I do and it makes a massive difference.

Try and give baby the same foods as you where you can because it's less work. The whole feeding thing will get easier in time anyway.

I would also drop your standards. All we did in our garden was cut the grass. Yes our garden doesn't look great but it wasn't realistic to add gardening onto our to do list. You can only do what you can do.

There's 2 types of mess:
mess you can't avoid e.g. laundry, washing up, spot hoovering after meals
And mess that can wait e.g. clutter, general hoovering, bathrooms, changing bed sheets

Again it just comes down to being realistic on what you can manage. Leave it long enough and your husband will probably get sick of it and start doing more anyway.

9 months in I was still adjusting mentally to being a mum when I look back. Ive fully accepted my new life and the overwhelming responsibilities it comes with and I think that makes it easier.

Mine are teens now.
but all I can say is buckle in. It does get easier xxxx
lower your standards, try not accumulate stuff and it will get better in time

Dh was starting a business when we had our first. Literally working a FT job, then business planning evenings and weekends, and when she was 4 months, he quit his job and launched the business and has been self employed ever since (we had a 2nd baby and eldest is now 12).

Two things: First, he can find ways to take the baby and still get things done. Dh was doing like 16 hour days early on. When he got home from his FT job at 5:30pm, he took the baby, put her in a sling and carried on with admin, web design, tidying the house, while I got a break, cooked dinner, had a shower and a nap. He could get up with the baby at 6am and go for an early morning walk, do emails on his phone, plan the day or week, schedule meetings and appointments. Mums do this all the time, no reason he can’t.

Secondly, he’s self employed. He’s his own boss. He sets the terms and hours. I’ve been there. I’ve been self employed myself. Dh is self employed. We’ve built a business with £1mil+ turnover. I don’t buy into this, I have to work all the time and have no control over my hours stuff. There are sacrifices to be made, yes. But you have a lot of flexibility when you are self employed. He could be home at 5pm several days a week and catch up with emails after baby is in bed at 7pm. There are ways to build in family time. He has to want to do it though.

Also, what’s this physical training? Is that like football or the gym or a running group? I think in the short term, if he’s working 6 days a week and barely seeing his family, he can’t also have time for rugby practice or a long cycle on Sunday. He has control over his priorities. Just like he has control over his working hours. He can be at home if he wants to. I’d be expecting that he would want to.

When I had mine my then husband worked 6.5 days a week from usually 8-7 because he had his own business. On the Sunday afternoon he had off we’d go to see his mum. He did nothing in the house and I didn’t expect him to because he was working such long hours. I didn’t have a cleaner and just had to get on with it. I can’t remember finding it a problem. If I were you I’d get rid of the cleaner and get a gardener.

What does your husband do when he’s not working?

Fir starters it doesn’t sound like he cleans up after himself and sound like he also takes time for himself with ‘physical training’

Is tgat correct? If it is why are you being treated like the free cleaner/chef/childminder/housekeeper/handyman/gardner?

What does he say about fair division of labour when he’s home?

What is he actually bringing to the table here apart from money?

Don’t worry about baby’s room

Can you go to mum and baby yoga and fitness classes so you get your exercise that way

Honestly, is your husband not going to be sad one day when he realises he worked straight through the baby years.

And also, with two adults, one who is out most of the time, and one baby in a small house I don't understand what cleaning you need to be doing all the time. Cleaning is really not that important

I'm on maternity leave and trying to work out how to be more efficient so not sure if any of this helps (all obvious I'm afraid). Mine can't move much yet so I do acknowledge it is a lot easier for me at the moment, although I do have another child.

• Make sure you are automating what you can - for example I am sure my life would become easier if I had a dishwasher and a tumble drier (but that's an issue for me)

-Lower your standards (mine unfortunately I fear are too low now!) -This is something I'm working on but I think get into the mindset of doing useful things as you go along but not thinking about needing to do them / thinking about doing them while you do them but doing them on autopilot so it is at least mentally relaxing? Ie not thinking 'I'm doing the washing up for the fourth time today' as you do it.

You cut back and try not to be a Stepford Wife. Some ready made meals/batch cooking. Hire a cleaner or get less exacting about standards of cleanliness or go out more so not as much mess.

repairs and works? That shouldn’t be constant or a huge time eater unless again, you’re being perfectionistic about it.

Presumably you’re not the one repointing the brickwork or doing the plumbing? The problem is not the current division of labour, it’s what will happen when you finish maternity leave.

Then you’ll both ideally equally share childcare and household chores out of work hours. But unfortunately starting a business is inevitably really, really hard work. It’s why most fail and many people don’t want to do it. You need to square that circle.

Lower your standards.

In two years, you wont have a baby and a 1 year old. You'll have two preschoolers who will need much less supervision. Their sleep will be more reliable (whether that's a good solid nap in the day, or a long block overnight) and they will be able to potter about nattering to you as you do things thay need doing. They'll still need your mind, but not your hands as much!

In four/five years they'll be at school. They'll need to relax when they get home. They may want to watch something on TV or read a book or do some other activity of their choice. They'll also make MUCH less mess, and will (with a tonne of prompting!) Be able to help with the clearing up of what they do make.

So relax. Don't do decorating now! Wait till you have more time. And remember that if you miss a couple of days of vacuuming/wiping/whatever, it wont look any worse when you do get round to it tha. If you'd managed to do it every day.

Prioritise yourself and time with your children. Sod the housework.

Performative Incompetence. A common problem.

When our DC were small, we took turns with everything, including getting up in the morning at weekends so one of us always had a lie in. Even though you are on maternity leave, you still deserve a bit of free time. DH is not entitled to all of the available free time. Working is a holiday compared to looking after children as he needs to understand!

Thank you all, I still want to read through everything more, thanks a lot. I’ve started to do some of the things I had in mind and things suggested. New washing line, batch cooking (should have before, but struggled with time), chest freezer etc.

My husband is working all day today (Sunday) and it’s hard. Didn’t expect it to be an all day thing. With no family nearby I haven’t been able to arrange to meet anyone last minute on a Sunday. He assures me he won’t work tomorrow (Bank holiday Monday) I hope not. My husband often not being available on weekends, I find hard. That’s why I asked how people manage.

A few people said you don’t know what I’m doing all day and I commend you, I cannot manage as effortlessly as you, I wish I could! And I know many people have more children or single parent families, which indeed must be harder xx

I’ve tried to explain how without family nearby, it’s really hard for him to work weekends too. But he says the work needs to be done.

I’d love to find friends nearby in a similar position or would often like to meet. Not necessarily with a lot of planning as it can be hard to plan/ expect these things in advance. I’ve met quite a lot of people nearby but most have nearby families.

It’s the disappointment isn’t it. You build it up to think you can do something either by yourself or as a family. And then you can’t.
the best advice I can give you is go anyway (if it’s a family day obviously!). Yes it’s better as all of you. But don’t miss out because he’s not coming. Give him a deadline, “if your not back by 2 we are going to the farm anyway”.
and stick to it.

Personally I would get a different cleaner - one who actually does a good job then you see the difference and it lasts for days!

also - tell your husband he needs to put the business idea on hold until your child is older. Is he relying on your savings/wages for running the house until he gets established? By that point your child will be in nursery full time and he’s missed their entire babyhood! He’s also just left you in the shit drowning. It leads to long term resentment believe me!! The selfishness of his actions aren’t forgotten no matter how hard you try and every other thing he does “for the business” or himself instead of thinking hang on my wife has not had a break of basically any interaction with me for months and I need to step up and be her husband and he should WANT to be with you and your baby!!! I’d put it to him like this frankly and say you either step up now or I might as well carry on doing it myself and you can leave and have a lovely life carrying on pretending you have a single life because you he clearly gives no shits!

this bollocks about him not being able to see mess or broken things is just that - bollocks!!!! I would be telling him straight don’t come that shit with me! If you really can’t see that then there is something VERY wrong with you and you shouldn’t be attempting to run a business if you can’t see that a toilet seat is broken or just get on and clean the kitchen etc!! He’s doing it deliberately because HE WANTS TO!!

This sounds really good @Chewbecca but our baby naps 9:30-11am so it kind of rules out going out in the morning easily (they’re 10 months.) The second nap is around 2:30-3:30pm. We find napping in the pram is ok for this one. Would love to follow your schedule, but end up with a lot of time alone. The other difficulty is keeping up (and having time with planning to meet people..) especially when we don’t have family that can just pop round, so everything has to be planned in advance, for people to be available.. 🤔

@P0rnstarmartini thanks a lot for sharing this. Did your husband work 7am-11:30pm?

I feel like I’m not coping well at the moment and only have one baby, not 3 children!

What I’d like to ask is, when your husband was working these hours, did he also work weekends, meaning you didn’t get a break? This is what’s happening here.. he’s been starting the business alongside a salaried job, and so many weekend days he’s had to work.. ie Sunday and Monday on the bank holiday. Then we have to start the week again and I don’t have any break at all. Tbh I’ve hardly had any break (he’s spent 1 day with our baby alone since birth, couldn’t believe that!) but that was for a hen party that I was organising for someone else, so no break at all.

I do worry as my DH doesn’t see detail either and I’ve been proofreading his business plan, but there is so much to do/ correct/ doubled information etc.

If your husband did work weekends, did you also have no break for 18 months? I’m honestly supportive, if he says he needs to work on it, I support him, but then after a weekend with no break, I feel like I’m loosing my mind. How did you cope? Is this the norm for people whose partners are starting businesses??

I have a self employed husband, no family support whatsoever, a 10 month old and an autistic 4 year old and I am definitely existing rather than living most days, but I also suspect I have massively lower standards:

-I do no gardening of any sort ever, it's a jungle and I'm fine with that because I don't have the capacity to deal with it.

• I don't cook separately for the baby. She eats what we eat, what my picky 4 yo eats or a combination of the two.
• I only cook very simple meals. Today we had roasted veg that I chopped during the baby's nap. Me and DH had it with halloumi, the children had it with breaded chicken courtesy of Sainsbury's. Stir fries, oven dinners, omelettes, beans on toast. Cucumber and cherry tomatoes or bags of mixed frozen veg to make sure we get enough health points in!
• Me and DH sort the house together when the girls are asleep. Today we were lucky and the little one was down by 7 so I could get a head start while he put the big one to sleep. We've just finished the house and it was an extremely early one.
• I never iron, and basically only clean if we're expecting overnight guests. What gets done is the essentials which for me is laundry, a clean kitchen and a proper tidy every night or the house quickly descends into anarchy.

It's a tough phase, OP, be gentle with yourself.

So your baby naps for 2.5 hours a day, and presumably goes to bed earlier than you in the evening. That leaves you lots of time for household jobs, surely? You sound houseproud. Neither your baby nor your husband cares about a bit of mess or the house being vacuumed every day or the sheets being changed every week or whatever. Lower your standards and get used to that. Cooking can be very simple, and ideally I would do some batch cooking, or at least cook a large meal which can be eaten over 2 meals - today and tomorrow.

What’s the physical training he does? Going to the gym?

Thank you @AirMaster that’s really helpful, and a lot for you.. thanks a lot for your kindness. I hardly ever iron either.

@PuceGreen you would think 2.5hrs gives plenty of time, but sometimes we are out for the second nap, leaving 1.5hrs. Sometimes I need to shower in this time, cook, clean up after every meal and high chair etc (our house is small so need to clean after each,) admin, contacting people etc etc. (I guess 1.5hrs seems like a lot, but it isn’t..) I’ve just got some new ice cube trays for freezing adult and baby meals (same food) and looking at chest freezers. I probably do need to lower my standards, but they are not impossibly high, just normal I think. Thank you for your thoughts..

@floorpuddles its martial art training.