No help, DH self employed, how does everyone do it with baby?

[NurtureGrow]

Hello,

Ive been trying to find a solution for this and not managed. We have a baby under 1 year old.

My husband is starting a business and usually starts work around 6am-6pm. So he can’t help in the morning. He also sometimes works a day on the weekend and has physical training to do for some hours on the other weekend day. I don’t have time to arrange time out on the weekend with others, and I want to spend time with him and our baby.

I am grateful my husband does sometimes cooks us basic evening meals, about 50% of the time.

But I do around
85% cleaning at least
95% maintaining house (fixing things/getting things fixed, improving, making repairs)
95% gardening
100% baby cooking / food prep
50% cooking for our dinner

We have no family help. I’ve probably been able to leave our baby max 4hrs with my mum in 1 year and they were very disrupted, (her coming to ask me things.)

My husband needs time for his business and says in 2 years, it will be clear if it’s working.

In the meantime, I am just not keeping up with everything. How do people cope and do this?? We have a cleaner every 2 weeks for a couple of hours. We can’t afford a babysitter or someone to do the garden.

I’ve thought about buying a chest freezer to try to meal prep for the next 2-4 weeks over 1 day. I’ve also thought about seeing if someone would do a skill exchange, I cook for them, they fix things in our house or garden. I feel there must be a way and I haven’t found it. My husband and I have recently been getting stressed and arguing, I don’t want to live in this way.

I know we all have the same number of hours day. How do people manage / any time saving things etc?

Thank you x

I’m in the same position OP. Dh has a business (it’s been going 18 months now). At the beginning it was really tough. Dh was rarely available as he worked 7:30-11pm most days. (From home so we could still see him somewhat but it was hard on him, constant phone calls (it’s healthcare based so the work doesn’t stop at night time).

we have 3 dc. 10, 4 and 2. I batch cook twice a week so that I don’t have to cook nightly. Was just really organised (and constantly exhausted) but I believed in dh so I stuck it out. It took a while to get contracts set up but then money started coming in. And it grew. We are now 18 months down the line and as a family our income this year has exceeded 1 million. It’s still hard now as Dh is still busy although he has staff now so his hours and reduced but he still has to be reachable around the clock.

money makes the struggle easier because you can buy back your time with upping the hours that the cleaner does etc. it will be hard when you return to work but if you believe Dh can make it work then support him.

my husband is the most grateful for everything I do and he does what he can around the house to help (and does most of the afternoon school runs too).

we also have no family support and no baby sitter etc so I sympathise. It’s hard but it won’t always be hard.

If he can’t see a broken toilet seat when he looks at it his business will fail.

The biggest thing most of us do to get through this period is not make simultaneous massive life changes like starting a business. That was insane on his part. Now that he’s done it however - he’s working shorter hours than my husband and I worked and we still cleaned up after ourselves and contributed to preparing food, housework, maintenance
etc. Many many many people work as many hours or more and still manage these things. Not doing so is a choice.

@Supperlite I wish our set up was more like yours, it sounds so much better!

recently, I haven’t coped well when my husband worked say 1.5 days on the weekend. It’s almost 2 weeks then without a break.

I love that your husband also cleans the kitchen!!

Does he know you are completely overwhelmed

This isn’t really about the house and cleaning. It’s about you feeling low on your husbands priority list. Perhaps also lonely as he’s working so much. Do you get to have dates/have fun together? That’s what needs to improve here.

@P0rnstarmartini wow, this is so difficult, but also so good how it is going now. Also that you have 3 children.My husband is at the beginning, so lots of opportunity and contacts, but really just starting. It gives me some hope what you’ve said. I’ve also found myself feeling resentful of the business, mainly because I just can’t keep up well with everything else. How did you keep faith it would work? Did you ever feel resentful? Did you check in with often about how it was going? I’m currently doing quite a lot of proof reading for him, which takes time.

@Clonakilla yes, I worry about that. He’s not detail orientated, and spends too easily and I worry he won’t (see) or check details and spend too much. I think that’s the biggest risk.

Sorry I wasn’t clear - he’s starting the business now, when he’s really begun I expect he may work later than 6pm and may have to travel again. That was why I suggested it should be UK only..

My ex worked stupid hours when the dc were tiny, 2 years apart and eldest is autistic, wasn’t easy but you muddle through, my standards are low! Just grab time when you can for yourself and try not to worry about “things together” etc which you mentioned in the op - social media implies that people are all doing things on weekends, most are not, they are firefighting through those early years. 6pm finish is good, at least you get evenings together

@Tiswa yes, he’s knows I’m overwhelmed, but says he needs time to do the business.

@Newgirls thank you.. we don’t have dates or fun together. We haven’t gone out alone since the baby was born.

I said to him, I used to feel things were good, him and I. But now it’s him, me, the business (and of course our baby.) And it’s like the business is a third person in our relationship disrupting our lives and weekends. And one that takes priority because it has greater needs.

@NurtureGrow

Kindly, what do you do all day? What's this cleaning that's taking you well over an hour every day when you already pay for cleaners?

I have twins. Raised them mainly on my own (with a constantly working out of house DH like you) and no parental help. My house is large.

I would put the twins in a playpen and put a load of washing on, and the load coming out of the dryer away. 15 mins.

I would stick them both in a bouncer or a high chair in the kitchen and yap away to them while I cooked dinner.

They napped, as I see your child currently is. I'd have a cuppa and do admin stuff or relax for an hour.

I'd put them on a play mat in front of the TV and let them watch Moana or Chip n Dale for an hour while I tidied.

They'd be in their ball pit, in the garden if needs be, while I weed. Or asleep in their pushchair while I do garden bits.

This is not "oh I'm so capable" by the way. This is what most sahp do.

Does your baby have additional needs?

@HopscotchBanana these are good ideas. We don’t have a bouncer or a ball pit.

The cleaner is 2 hrs x twice a month, and a I explained it is messy later that day or the day after. So the cleaner does little compared to me.

I think having a large house helps, as we can literally leave no mess or it’s impossible to prepare food etc or spend time in different rooms. Our garden is also not baby friendly currently.

Thing is men like work. It makes them feel important and that they are providing/being successful. But it’s not all they need to do. He also needs to love and support you. He can absolutely work less and still do ok.

The cleaner cleans, you have to keep it tidy, that's jot cleaning, that's tidying. This is why I'd get out as much as possible, you're not making a mess if you're out.

What's your day like?

I wonder if some of your issue is very high standards and some is your H being a lazy fucker.

Lower your standards. But I'm guessing the problem is not that you have loads to do (running a house with 1 baby is doable honestly) it is that you feel very alone with it all. You need to talk to your H about being a team again. Quite apart from anything else, he could be spending time making a relationship with his kid right now instead of, say, the physical training. He won't get this time back.

Is the Physical training for work or as a hobby?
If a Hobby then he just doesn't have time does he?

I too am at a loss to know what you do all day or how your house becomes messy as soon as the cleaner has been. I had 2 under 2 with a medic husband who did 12 hour shifts plus extra on call every 3rd weekend. You tidy up as you go along so it never gets overwhelming- @HopscotchBanana has given you excellent suggestions (also worked for me). You have to find ways of coping - get a handyman to fix lots of little things, buy a new toilet seat and fit it yourself as it's easy to do (or get the handyman to do it), same with the bath panel... A friend spent £200 on a handyman who did loads of little annoying jobs for her - money she was happy to spend as it meant things were done and she didn't have to think about them again.

I know it’s not a race to the bottom but my goodness, I’d have killed for a cleaner twice a month and a partner who did 50% of the cooking. I had PND and was alone a lot after having DC, mainly because my exDP was a joke, didn’t work or contribute, and I did everything for myself.

Is the actual issue that you’re lonely?

Personally, my standards dropped massively. I had to forget about having everything away and show home standard. Now the ongoing saying is "if you're coming in, I hope you're upto date on your jabs!" And I try, I try so hard but I've got 2 autistic kids and one who seems neurotypical so far, but is 19 months old and climbing everything and showing disdain for things not his way.
So life isn't exactly the same for me as any other people's, but standards drop in all areas.
My garden is terrible, and our food isn't made from scratch half as much as I would like and we've recently had some artwork placed on the playroom walls... which took so.e paint off, which I filled with filler, which was then drawn on again within the hour.... but you know what? Their childhood is short, and I have come to realise I'll have plenty of time without the drawing on the walls!

Just pick the battles that really matter.

Like others have said, I dropped my standards massively. Food is boring (Chicken, rice and veg most nights) but healthy and home cooked, laundry is done in huge batches, everything thrown in and then put in the dryer. Cleaning as needed, hoover and toilets once a week, everything else waits until school holidays (I’m a teacher).

Youll need to pay for more support I think. I have no family to help, so have to spend on babysitters, and also take advantage of nursery as much as possible. Not sure if it’s allowed in your country, but could one of the nursery staff babysit for extra cash? I always found that to be a great solution, as they typically live close by and know your child already. I always kept my babies in nursery during school holidays while I was off work, so I could get a deep clean done, and go and get a haircut etc.

You also need to stick to a strict schedule if you want any semblance of order.

OP he has shown you who he is and where his priorities lie. I'd think twice about having more children as he's not going to change. Just get through this stage as best you can. Once you're out of the house 4 days a week there will be less mess and things may seem more manageable.

We just managed. We couldn't afford a cleaner, I just accepted that everything was done on a good enough basis and didn't worry as long as everyone was fed and we had clean clothes to wear.

I would tell him ‘I’m struggling and im resentful we had a baby and you made work choices that mean you don’t meaningfully figure in our lives. If we split up, it will be because I’m not prepared to put up with your choices leaving me struggling and solo parenting. Don’t be shocked in a year if that’s where I’m at im really clearly warning you. Men who really want to be there for their wife and new baby do not go off and start businesses and work 6 days a week, because it means you can’t be there for us.’

that’d what I’d say because if I were pregnant or had a baby and my dh said hey im going to start a business I’d say will you be home at 5, home on weekends and take holidays with us? No? Then you have a family that needs you and you can start a business over the signed divorce papers and find your adult child a stranger to you in 20 years.

How convenient for him for to start a business that takes him out of the home 90% of the time just as you have a baby.
Just another bloke opting out of caring for his own child and household responsibilities under the guise of providing, enabled of course by a woman 'trying to do it all'.
The fact you 'love' the fact another woman's partner cleaned the kitchen suggests you have pretty low standards OP. I predict the shit hitting the fan when you return to work. You have a very uneven distribution of responsibilities here. Is your baby even bonded to their dad?

But it doesn’t have greater needs does it - not at the expense of you and your mental health and your baby.

That is the problem isn’t it he is prioritising it rather than trying to work out how to balance everything he is telling you that he is only available for the business not for everything else

and you cannot do 4 days work (which let me guess brings in a far whack of money) and do everything you just cant

it all needs to be balanced with everything taking equal priority

otherwise the business isn’t just the 3rd wheel it is the other woman

Add to that list a part time job and no cleaner and you described my life.

Lower your standards and prioritise what matters.

It's about choices and he will regret missing those early years. There's a reason why our kids come to me and not him, I pointed it out at the time, he chose not to listen.