What could be going on here?

[AnotherNaCha]

Brother’s DS is 5, and isn’t like any other child I’ve known… he is sort of hyper but then gets angry very quickly if he doesn’t get his own way and is constantly going off in a mood. He also needs my DB (single parent) to constantly play with him and be in his sight. When I speak with him, he usually just talks over me and it’s like nothing goes in. He says no to just about everything and I know play dates usually end badly. DB is (I’m fairly sure as is he) undiagnosed autistic, yet I know a lot of ASD children and I’m not sure that’s what’s happening here… DB is totally burnt out (as I’d be) with the constant demands and moods, he seems to be mostly calm but I do wonder if he’s losing his temper at him. He co-parents with his ex, but they don’t speak about their DC’s behaviour (which to me is a a bit weird). So not sure what he’s like for her. Anyway wondering if anyone recognised this pattern and has any tips for parenting or support/ diagnosis? DB has head in sand about it but clearly needs help

NB meant DB shows signs of ASD, hence wondering if it also present in his child

Sounds similar to my (currently undiagnosed, but I’m sure and am a psychologist myself) autistic 4 year old daughter who has a PDA profile, which is not a recognised additional diagnosis but there’s increasing recognition of. Underlying the need for constant attention and control is extremely high anxiety, and the kids nervous system/fight or flight response is activated very easily when they don’t have this. But when having 1.1 attention from parents or safe adults they can appear “less autistic’. Look up PDA society, “At Peace parents” if you are on social media, and there might be some helpful resources and ideas, including lowering demands.
good luck to him and it’s great you are stepping in to try and support.

@User69611 ah thank you so much. That’s interesting, I have really researched PDA and some of it chimes, some not. I do think it’s the most likely scenario, so thank you for those links.
My DB seems to be in denial about anything being “different” with his son. But even in his movements I can see something different (easily off balance, stiff feet etc). He laughs about bossy and controlling he is, but is a people pleaser and is being run ragged. Also, he’s very protective and has an awful habit of projecting onto other kids… ie will hone in on my DC when there’s a fallout with the kids, and seems to limit socialising to very passive children who will be bossed around. Infuriating. I don’t know how to get through to him… I wish the school would pick something up, but I realise he could be totally different in that setting…
What has helped your daughter?

Yeah it’s super hard. I think you can be more or less PDA so might be some features but not fully the extreme end of it. I guess it has to come from him (brother) if they want to explore diagnoses etc as if he’s rejecting any suggestions of it he mustn’t be in the place to access that right now, and perhaps if the child is an only child (?) he gets more attention and control etc. I think try to remember the kid isn’t being difficult purposely ever, his brain is in full anxiety mode a lot of the time and it comes out in these ways. Tbh I get quite protective too of my daughter when her challenges come out around others, and I think that’s important for the child so they don’t feel they are bad or “naughty”. Which can lead to significant mental health issues later down the line. Sadly these kids mask a lot at school so may not be picked up there yet, and this leads to more outbursts at home. It likely will start affecting school at some point but in the meanwhile I’d just be trying to support your brother and gently explore it without being over bearing as untimely up to him to make the call in pursuing an assessment etc. I do get that puts you and your kids in a hard position.

Thank you again for this very balanced insight. Very helpful hearing from your point of view, thanks for sharing. Yes that’s exactly it. I feel for them both, but you’re right, it’s a lot for my DC to handle as patient as she is, she’s only 7 and bears the brunt.

Peiple pleasing ( fawning) iis normal
in ND. As are co ordination problems ( you mention walking strangely)

Thank you. Meant DB is a people pleaser (and yes he’s ASD) hence at every beck and call of his DS.

DS is not a people pleaser at all, he often is angry and rude if he doesn’t get his way or have “more” than another child. As @User69611 says, I think it’s PDA mixed with his style of parenting…. it’s hard

Perhaps your db just can’t take all the hassle?

Low demand parenting is advised for kids like this. Boundaries don’t work. It just becomes something else to kick against.

Rewarding the good and diffusing problems before they start is the best way.

Not sure if it’s actually ODD rather than PDA. He must be in control at all times, even during play. My DD had an idea that he didn’t like and he was furious, feel sad she has to walk on eggshells. And if he perceives she has something more than him (ie finds a feather and he doesn’t) he loses it and it demands it’s taken off her as it’s not fair. Keeping calm and diffusing the situation seems to help, but he’s also into violent retaliation

I would stop my child from playing with him I’m afraid. Your DB does indeed need parenting help but your dc are not there to be drawn in to this child’s outbursts. I would not stay around violent outbursts. Cannot believe this is masked at school. Your DB and possibly ex are avoiding dealing with this but how can he be sweetness and light at school? Play dates go wrong so other parents will know. I’d be more upfront with DB.

@TizerorFizz thank you, am leaning towards that too. He hasn’t been physically violent with DC - yet - but has stomped on me very hard thinking it was funny. Hard to not see them but need to put my DC first.
Gosh it’s hard. Yes I need to be more upfront with DB, I think being in denial over stuff like this happens with some parents so I hear. But yes, very odd school seems to not flagged, have a feeling nursery did

Because they hold it in all day and it bursts out when they are at home.

Its called ‘The Coke Bottle’ effect. Shaken and then explodes when safe.

He sounds demand avoidant. From what you’ve written I’d guess ADHD and ASD, with ADHD predominance. The two together often produce very demand avoidant children, who maybe don’t quite fit the full PDA profile.