Stop controlling and correcting

[SoloMumJustMuddlingThrough]

I have an 17 month old who is very much in the "do it by myself" phase. I want her to learn to trust her own instincts and to have the confidence to try hard things without the constant need for approval. (Not wanting to pass on the fear of failure I had as a child/teen that took a decade to unlearn!)

My question: how can I start to take a step back? To not control things all the time? I often find myself correcting her but I don't want her to feel like she is always getting things wrong. Sometimes it's a safety thing, sometimes time pressure, sometimes the activity is a bit old for her perhaps and so she needs more input from me.

Does anyone have any ideas for activities, or tips for sticking the right balance between letting a toddler do things themselves/explore/create etc. but attje same time ensuring they don't actually hurt themselves or destroy the place?

I am just reflecting on my own parenting with a cuppa before DD wakes up and realising this is an area I could definitely do better!

At 17 months you just need to keep her safe. I found it one of the hardest ages, they're kamikaze and you can't take your eyes off them.

When she gets a bit older (maybe 2.5/3) you can start asking her to think about what she's doing, is it sensible, how's she going to get down etc.

Allow for times/activities that aren’t pressured, so she can spend as long as she wants putting on a shoe / stacking blocks / whatever. Also lots of open ended activities - at this stage trying to get them to colour nicely or build with Duplo or whatever is often a hiding to nothing. And praise effort rather than achievement.

But the flipside of this is that when you do need to do something more urgently you say “You do (achievable thing) and then mummy’s going to put your shoes on so we can go.” And then do it. Not every moment needs to be self directed.

Thanks. There's a few good takeaways there! She is very into colouring at the moment. At first I caught myself saying things like "let's colour the grass in green" and now I'm biting my tongue and letting her colour in the grass purple or orange or whatever colour she chooses!
I'm trying to praise effort not achievement (I agree it's so important) but it's not instinctual for me.

It’s not easy. You’re doing great. In these situations it sometimes helps to think of yourself as the facilitator - you lay out a safe play area or activity where you are unlikely to have to say no, and she does what she wants. It doesn’t matter if she colours “wrong” etc, or loses interest after a short time. I remember one afternoon where my eldest spent over an hour in a puddle with a stick, tracing shapes. She was warm, safe and engaged, so I let her get on with it. Learning and play can take on a lot of forms.

Try to question yourself about if it matters. If she's colouring in a picture of grass in purple, ask yourself if it matters, if the answer is yes, maybe explore why you feel that way. If she's happily colouring and wants to finish her picture before you leave the house then explain that it's not possible as you're going to see her grandparents, for example, and will miss the bus but she can complete it later

If you feel the activity is too old for her then why have you started her on it? Difficult jigsaw, she'll learn to ask for help or give up and try and easier one. Older Lego set, she won't really understand what the outcome is supposed to be so although she won't complete it in the way you would, she'll enjoy playing with the pieces and develop her fine motor skills (obviously if it Lego, careful of swallowing!)

Lastly, don't be too hard on yourself. Parenting is 24/7 and we're all just trying to do our best with no prior training. You clearly want to grow with her and that's great, she'll grow up knowing she's loved

Some good advice here.

I’d also say it’s important to have the same attitude with physical play. Obviously keep her safe next to roads and similar situations, but in the playground don’t be the parent who is constantly hovering and saying ‘be careful’, ‘it’s too high’, ‘you’re going to fall’.

Lego - the joy of it is to build whatever you want, not just a model that someone else has designed. Mix up all the sets and just see what happens!

I recently saw an article discussing how it's better to be specific when warning against a potential hazard so for example "there are cars on the road, dangerous, hold hands" rather than just "be careful!!". We have been trying to do this with my 16 month old in the hopes that it doesn't affect her confidence to try things out for herself 😊

noramoo my dad always said that roads, even motorways, aren't dangerous, it's the cars on them that'll kill you. He gave me and my dc very clear, specific instructions. I think it's worked as all of them can spot the safest point to cross, which might not be obvious one, such as a zebra crossing but with a van parked immediately to the right