Please advise!!

[CKCSN]

I’m the mother of a teenage daughter who is now 18yrs old, strong-willed and academically driven. I admire her determination and the way she applies herself to her studies. However, over the past few years, her behaviour towards me has become increasingly aggressive and disrespectful.

She frequently interrupts or shuts me down after only a minute or two of speaking

Our conversations often escalate into shouting, with her using deeply hurtful and sometimes shocking language.

Boundaries have been crossed repeatedly, including physical aggression such as hitting and pointing in my face while screaming.

These behaviours have left me feeling emotionally hurt, disrespected, and exhausted

I have always tried to give her the best I can as a mother, but the ongoing aggression and lack of respect have made me feel hopeless about repairing our relationship. I am emotionally drained and concerned for both our wellbeing.

Can people suggest strategies to deal with this sort of behaviour or current treatment or am I doing something wrong- please help!!!

Go to your GP and let them know, I'd ask for a referral of her to adult mental health services because of the violence and for DBT (therapy for emotional and behavioural regulation). Follow through on any boundaries you set with her and also ask for support from Early Help, do this ask your GP and you can call your LA and ask about SS but getting a support worker, so that 1. You get support and 2. It's on record. Also get support for yourself from the GP, just someone to talk to, she likely needs some extra support , may be ND and is masking at school, doing well academically doesn't mean she can't. However violence isn't okay and she needs support on that but also rules.

Somethings going on with her and she needs help. Whatever you do dont turn your back on her now. But absolutely make sure she understands this isn’t ok

Thank you for your response and advice, TheLivelyViper. I take onboard what you have said and I will take to her about seeing the GP and hopefully getting some therapy. The only difference is when she goes to her friends houses the parents can’t praise her enough, how well behaved she is and how lucky I’m to have a daughter like her etc.

Thanks for your response.

I have implemented clear rules and boundaries at home, but she frequently ignores or breaks them.

When I try to enforce consequences, she often runs to her paternal grandparents’ house. This means she avoids accountability and doesn’t get the chance to practice or adjust to the rules.

Can you give more details or examples about what you are disagreeing about and how your conversations escalate?

She refuses to clean her room or do basic chores like washing her dishes or say she will do it later and won’t do it. Then she will say she is tired or start screaming I close her room and to get out.

Before she turned 18 (she just became 18 a few weeks ago), if I asked her not to go out because she was already spending so much time with friends, she would sneak out through another door, come home late, and only occasionally answer my calls or texts.

She often asks me to buy specific foods, but once bought, they either go to waste because she is rarely home, or she changes her mind and says she no longer likes them. She frequently criticises my cooking or claims she didn’t want that meal prepared in the first place.

She expects me to buy things for her, and if I don’t, she compares me to her friends’ parents, saying they provide more for their children. In these moments, she has called me names such as a disgrace, bitch, freak etc.

She has lied about her friends situations, insisting their parents provided everything for them, only for me to later learn from those parents that the children actually worked summer jobs.

She expects me to fully fund her lifestyle. As she prepares to go to university, she demands that I send her money weekly to support her. When I suggest she find part-time work, she refuses, insisting she needs all her time to focus on studying.

What consequences have you tried to put in place already?

She is now 18. If she doesn’t like your food, stop cooking for her. She will need to cook her own food for uni anyway.

Sit her down and have a talk, outlining specific behaviours that are unacceptable and that she needs to work through improving her way of dealing with things. Explain that you will be making a log of times she is violent so that if it continues, you will be contacting the police.

If she continues to be disrespectful, change the wifi password. She gets it back when she behaves.

Are you paying for her phone contract despite her refusing to get a job? If so, cancel her contract immediately, buy her a brick phone she can use for emergencies and texting. She gets a smartphone back when she improves her behaviour.

If she hates living with you so much then you tell her the only thing to do is to prepare her for moving away where she will have to work and pay for her own stuff.

Thank you so much for your response. I have implemented or done some of what you have suggested here, but I have not followed through it because I felt bad for her. Definitely sticking to it now. Thanks 😀