Anxious about unplanned pregnancy with 17m toddler in tow

[pixieeyes]

I’ve always wanted more than one child, having not enjoyed being an only child myself. We have a 17m old and have found our parenting journey so difficult. He was not an easy baby, and is a very energetic demanding toddler. We have minimal support, DH does nightshifts, sometimes works all weekends (his rota changes all the time) and it has definitely negatively impacted our relationship.

We had been talking about whether or not we’d have a 2nd, and I was beginning to see the pros of not and have read the opinion about wanting a sibling for your child not being a good enough reason alone.. Then, I got a positive pregnancy test 2w ago, it was unplanned and I’m feeling very overwhelmed about whether we will cope, if the pregnancy goes well (we had a loss at 20w before DS). DH has been very positive, calm and reassuring and we have decided we want to go ahead, but I don’t know if he realises how hard it will be, for the next 9m and beyond with a newborn.

I’m starting to get the dreaded fatigue and nausea and I’m now feeling very anxious about this pregnancy, having symptoms whilst trying to look after my toddler, sometimes on my own. Also that he will only be 2y2m when baby is potentially due.

Can anyone offer any reassurance, or even just facts or advice about ways to cope, and whether it is possible, if you have been in a similar situation?

Thanks so much x

Sorry you’re struggling OP.

We have a 16 month old daughter, currently 6 months pregnant with our second baby, both planned pregnancies so not exactly the same as your situation but I would say I’ve really found pregnancy so much easier this time round although I was originally nervous about coping. I think there must be something about having a toddler to chase around all day that forces the usual pregnancy symptoms to take a back seat! Don’t get me wrong I’m tired but it’s really not been as bad as I thought it might be however of course every pregnancy is different.

We’ll have a 19 month age gap and perhaps naively I’m not too worried about that side of things, we’ve done it with one baby we can manage with two, but again I do understand being nervous about that. My worry for you would be the lack of support and the impact on your relationship if it has already been strained with one child, do you have any family or friends at all who could provide any support? A paid babysitter that you’re comfortable with? Is there any chance of your husband’s job changing to something more family friendly?

Personally I don’t think I would have felt so confident about two very small children if I was doing it all with no support even from my husband. This is more so your decision to make as it is you who is going to be on your own with both a lot of the time it sounds like, take your time to consider that x

Thank you so much for your reply, it’s been helpful and reassuring. We definitely will need to put more support in place to help me with the childcare, I’m already starting to look at options for that, paid childcare wise.
wishing you all the best for the end of your pregnancy and for welcoming your new baby x

Mine are 22 months apart. It was easier in some ways as I hadn't got used to sleeping again by the time DD2 came along. Also DD2 was so much easier than DD1, who didn't sleep through the night until she was 2. I was also much more confident with DD2. Also they kept each other company when they were toddlers. I would say it worked out really well and now they are late 20s they are still v close. I did have support from my DH - he was very hands on tbh but actually we had lots more fun with them than I had expected. We probably did centre everything around our DDs and our social life definitely went out the window!. I worked PT so they went to crèche a few days a week which I actually found helpful (I learnt so much from those nursery nurses!). So your plan for more childcare is definitely a good one.

My DCs have exactly the same age gap. I was really worried about how I would manage the first year. My DS1 was and very high needs baby. I was still breastfeeding when i had my 2nd baby and he only slept through night at 2 years.

I found my DD to be such an easy baby in comparison and she slept so much, the first 6 months were actually pretty manageable. I do think it really depends on the baby and you never know how chill vs high needs they will be.

I found things got a lot more challenging as baby started crawling and getting more mobile. Lots of arguments over toys etc.

My DD is nearly 2 now and they get on really well and the relationship between them is such a joy to see.
It is very very hard though. Im now solo parenting with no time off and its the hardest thing ive ever done. I can see light at the end of the tunnel.
It may be very hard but you will get through and it will be so worth it. Getting out of the house as much as possible is the key for me.

Mine are 14 months apart, not planned, and I'm not going to lie it was hard. I will say babies fit in with routines, they have to.
My 2nd was an easier baby than my first (why we had another I do not know)
My 3rd was also 14 months younger than my second but they were also prem so should have been a bit more of a gap

Thank you all so much for your valuable insights. I’m starting to accept it more, although still very anxious, but I also think I’d definitely have a degree of anxiety about us coping whatever the age gap would be. It’s really nice to hear most of you saying your DCs get on really well/play/keep each other company with this age gap.
Was it possible to do much in the way of preparing your first for the arrival, did they understand much and how did they cope in those first days/weeks?

My DC are 19 months apart. That age gap is wonderful.

I won't lie, the first couple of years was hard. But after that you'll reap the benefits. Mine play really well together and have a wonderful relationship. It means I get a break from "I'm booored" or "can you play pretend with me" because they have each other. And logistically it works great because I can ferry them to the same activities.

Of course I threw a wrench in it by having a third but I figure once she gets to 2-3 yo life will be easier again (there's 5yr between my first and last).