20 year old daughter still lying in bed to 3 or 4pm

[Chillichok]

My daughter has navigated 2 years at university. She seems to have some good friends at home and at university. She also seems to be doing quite well with her degree work, although she gets stressed about it at times.

This year, she is studying abroad for a year before coming back for her final year at university. She is living in a nice safe town in a safe country for her year abroad, so I don't worry at all about that.

However, when she was home for a month this summer, I was dismayed to see her still lying in excessively, only getting up at 3pm or 4pm after persuasion from me. She used to do this whenever she could when she was in sixth form, and I have told her repeatedly how bad for her physical and mental health it is.

Her excuse, is that it is relaxation and self care. However, she is waking up groggy, dehydrated and frustrated with herself because she's achieved nothing. Nothing I say seems to change it. She denies being depressed, even though she did go through a bit of depression when she was a teenager. I found a suicide note from her, but she decided not to go through with it. She is quite hard on herself sometimes and gets stressed easily. She has had private counselling in the past, which she said was a waste of time.

So, now she is abroad, apparently settling in. I have had some messages on WhatsApp, but she sometimes doesn't even read them for a couple of days. When I hear nothing, I fear that she is depressed and or lying in bed all day missing out on everything. I don't know what I should do, short of flying out there! I have tried to reduce her stress by helping her with money, being positive, told her I am there 24/7 on the phone for her.

Any advice?

Is she attending all her commitments? I’m not sure from your post if she is working for the year or studying out there, but as long as she is fulfilling her obligations, then I would leave her to it. When mine were at uni they often slept all day and partied all night!

Try not to worry. I know it’s really difficult, but it doesn’t sound as though your dd struggles socially or academically. She knows that you will be there at the drop of a hat if she needs you, I’m sure. So really that’s all you can do, apart from checking in occasionally to let her know you’re there. You should try not to contemplate flying over when she doesn’t respond to a message and your imagination runs riot - that way madness lies! I realise that you weren’t being entirely serious, but I’m also prone to gut feelings that something is wrong, only to find out later that there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation, and flying out is definitely a thought that I would have to suppress in your position!

I have a DD who is a night owl.

left to herself she sleeps until about 2pm and stays up until 2am.

honestly, if the thing that worries you most about your daughter is that she doesn’t get up early when on holidays then you are winning at life.

now if you were saying it impacted her studies or she’d stopped going to work or lectures you might have something to be worried about.

All very sensible replies. Thank you all. The main thing that I will need to do seems to be thought suppression! I understand that can help in life but it's not that easy when your mind thinks that the police will knock on the door to say that the police in the other country have made a grim discovery! That is where my mind is at atm. I have often thought that i would make that discovery when entering her room at home when it's 3pm she hasn't emerged.

As for partying all night, she rarely does that because she worries about money more than I do!

I used to do this during my time off from uni for weeks at a time. Yeah I was groggy and sleepy but it was a restful period. I was / am an anxious person and I really relished those limited times with zero responsibility.