Child left out

[Missb01]

I have two children with a man who was married before and had 4 children in that marriage. They are now adults in their late 20's and 30's. It's always been strained between him and 3 of his older children. 1 of the 4 older children has a close relationship with him and is very supportive of us and our life together. Our two children together are under 9. They've all met our eldest child over the years. Picking and choosing when to bother the eldest. But I've accepted it for what it is. Then when our youngest came along no one has met them. We contacted them to tell about the safe arrival. After a difficult time after birth we stopped making all the trips to see people and consequently, no one has met our youngest. She's 2 and has not heard anything on christmases or birthdays or in-between. I've always been clear gifts are not expected, but acknowledgement is. Children don't deserve to be punished for adults life choices. 2 of his eldest don't have anything to do with any of us after we've spoken up about our feelings. So that's all been put to bed. But the third of his eldest children continues to send to our eldest when it suits (cards, gifts, money gifts) and nothing for our youngest.
My eldest is aware, we've always had honest, but gentle, conversations about the family dynamics.
I've spoken up previously about our feelings on this subject to each of the older children, with my partner agreeing, and yet this particular older child continues to send to one and not the other.
How would you deal with situation?

Nothing.
You say that
No one has met the child.
Why should or would they send presents?

I don’t think adult children typically don’t bother with their father or their siblings for no reason.
I don’t think it’s their job to settle in to and embrace a new family, especially depending on the circumstances of the end of their parents marriage and the start of yours. And I do think it’s interesting that you’ve spoken up with DHs support rather than dh speaking to his own children.

so I suppose if it were me I’d wonder why dh didn’t have a good relationship with his dc and why he wasn’t actively working on it.

I don’t think you can deal with it, really. They’re not interested in your children. It might be for fair or unfair reasons.

They might come round to them eventually, but I don’t think there’s much that you personally can do to change that.

What’s their relationship with their dad like? I assume he’s still traveling to see them even if the whole family isn’t. I suspect if they’re close to their dad they’ll eventually be interested in other aspects of his life.

You say nothing, theyve not met the child why would they send presents for a kid theyve never met.
why isnt your dh working on his relationship with his older kids before having more kids? Just added salt to their wounds really.

Just to update, the older children don't have a relationship with there father because of how quickly he moved on. They all tried and it failed with three of them. Which we accept. For years the older children would have a relationship with our eldest then stop, then start again, then stop again. So in her best interest we said it's one or the other. It's not fair on her being picked up and dropped.

We don't expect gifts for our youngest. I agree if they've never met her they don't owe anything. Were looking for advice on how to deal with our children and there feelings as they grow up.

I probably should have been more clear on original post sorry.

I don't think there is anything you can do here. It's for their dad to try and rebuild their trust if he wants to. Said it before but it's a very rare person that can be a decent parent to two families, one set of kids usually loses out.

Focus on the positive people that your children do have in their lives.

For years they were on and off. They would want to see there dad then stop. And this cycle repeated. We did all the travelling to them with little effort from 1 older child and no effort to come to us in 10 years from the other 2. After 10 years it became very tiresome. Then after having my youngest 2 years ago we didn't go to them for 6 months. No one asked after our youngest or wanted to see her. Again we accept their choices. Since then he has messaged numerous times to meet and he's ignored or plans are made then get canceled.
We've never forced or begged for relationships. We've always been clear they don't have to have relationships with our children. But, to have a relationship with one and not the other is very confusing for our eldest and eventually will be for our youngest. And I seek advice on how to deal with this matter.

He continues to reach out and try to hold a relationship with each of them. But to no avail. We are accepting that maybe too much water under the bridge.
I personally am trying to focus on our younger children and breaking the cycle of people being in and out when it suits.
I've never tried to control and intervene with his relationships. I'm simply not that type of person. As a woman who's father was mostly absent I've always supported him to go when the opportunities arise.

I'm not expecting gifts, for either of the children. we've always been clear on that. It's the lack of acknowledgement for the youngest child. To meet the eldest and have a relationship then not the youngest has left confusion with the children.

He had a relationship with all of his older children when we fell pregnant with our eldest. There was nothing to work on, everything had been spoken about and everyone moved on for 2 years with no issues rising.

I completely agree us having children has added salt to wound, or even opened up old wounds. We are very aware of how sensitive the subject must be to them. Just not sure punishing children is the right way to go about things

Thank you, we encourage the children to appreciate the people they have. We really have exhausted all avenues. And we accept that now. I'm just hopelessly trying to find ways of explaining to my children why one is treated differently to the other.

I think you have expectations where there shouldn’t be one. Your husband’s older children didn’t ask for or make those siblings. That’s on you. They aren’t close to their dad and by way of that, you or your child.

I very much doubt they aren’t close to him because of “how quickly he moved on” but because of how he treated them. Children are programmed to love their parents even when parents create a lot of drama and tension in the family unit. If they don’t, he’s worked pretty hard to make that the case. This isn’t about your children, it’s about his relationship with all of his kids.

That said, based on what you’ve said, I wouldn’t expect a relationship there or an acknowledgment (it’s not like they’ve met and ignored your dc, they’ve never met). My dad had a 16 year old when I was born. My brother definitely never got me a card or a present. I guess he saw me maybe once a year at a family event and he probably said ‘hey’ but that’s about it. My dad was a crap dad to him, so I can’t imagine he cared much about this new baby. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Not surprisingly, my dad went on to be a crap dad to me too after the initial shine wore off. I haven’t heard a peep from my brother since I was about 19 (I’m 44 now) and neither of us have missed out.

Similarly, my mum married her 2nd husband 20 years ago. He has 2 daughters who he was also a pretty shit dad too. They are my stepsisters. I’ve never met them in 20 years. Obviously, we’re all adults, but not all families blend like in the movies and that is fine.

I think though that it’s a disservice to your children to have this victim mentality that they are being “punished” by their siblings. Punishment is active. They aren’t driving by the house throwing eggs at them or sending threatening letters. They just aren’t close. We can build relationships with whoever we want to. Choosing not to be close to someone isn’t punishment. I’m not close to lots of my family members. It’s not to punish them. It’s simply because I’m not interested in them or don’t like being around them or in some cases, to protect myself from harm. I suspect this falls somewhere between disinterest (other people’s toddlers are not interesting at all) and self-protection (seeing your dad play happy families with other children when it feels like he ditched you is pretty painful).

Just to update, the older children don't have a relationship with there father because of how quickly he moved on
i just don’t think that’s a reason.
children don’t say dad moved on and now we are going to punish him forever and never accept it no matter what he does. Have you ever met an adult that said that about their df? I haven’t anyway. There’s more to it that required some emotional intelligence from your dh (and perhaps their mother) to navigate, when they were still children. This clearly didn’t happen and now these are the knock on effects.

Just not sure punishing children is the right way to go about things
theyre not. You’ve said yourself there are old wounds, and the dc pour salt in those wounds. Logically then we can assume that his older dc don’t want to put themselves through that regularly. If the wounds had been properly addressed earlier this may not have happened.