How to know if i ruined my baby's trust with me?

[One8]

I'm not too sure on how to word this.

My baby is 3 months old. Everyone I have ever known have talked about how much their baby loves them "My baby gives me the biggest smiles when they see me" "They love being with me" etc.

I interact with him everyday. I sing and read to him. I make up stories, I try playing with him (rattles and fabric books). I push him on his swing. There are times I have to put him down because I have to do things like:

• Washing/making up his bottles (and preparing his sterilizer container) and washing things in general
• Taking out rubbish bins
• Making food
• General cleaning

He cries when I put him down to do things. It doesn't matter if he's in his crib or on his swing. I can have him literally right next to me as I'm doing something and he'll cry. I have tried holding him whilst I do things with one arm or with him in a carrier, but it's difficult and he ends up fussing and crying, so I stop what I am doing.

A Health Visitor suggested I attend to his needs and once they have been met, leave him in a secure place (like his crib) and do what I need to do and let him cry.

He cries and I try to hurry up with what I am doing, so I can get back to him quickly. If I am literally in another room, I will talk loudly, so he knows I am around. It's about 5 minutes I am away and if I have something in the oven, I go back to check on it later.

I have noticed he can be quite content in his crib and appears to be enjoying his mobile, but when I try and pick him up, he doesn't seem interested. He doesn't really make eye contact when I feed him his bottle. I do talk to him during this time. When I try and play with him, he seems bored and uninterested. He does smile at me, but I don't know if that means anything. I do try and respond to his I'm hungry, I'm wet etc cues.

I feel guilty when he does cry and I feel like I have ruined my son's trust with me.

I don't know if it's relevant, but I didn't grown-up in a healthy emotional environment. There was a lot of generational trauma and I didn't want that for him, so I struggle with these kinds of things. Things like hugs and kisses are not natural for me, but I do give him kisses and hugs. I also smile and do positive facial expressions when interacting with him.

Is it an actual 5 minutes? Because eg taking something out of the oven or putting the bin out doesnt take me 5 minutes.

Could you get a bouncy chair (the kind that the baby has to bounce themselves) and move it round on the floor to the room you're in?

You are doing fine. How wonderful you are working to break generational patterns. All mums who don’t have a lot of in-house support have to put the baby down to wash up etc. And yes - fake it until you make it with the kisses and cuddles. Are you feeling ok? Not possibly a bit depressed? It would be very normal for all this to stir up a lot of trauma…

At 3 months old you're doing everything right. They're basically a feeding sleeping crying potato at this point. Another month and your baby will be very curious (and annoying as they won't want to feed because they'll be looking about) and by 6 months you'll get more of the interaction you're describing. Sounds like you're doing everything really well.

I had a velcro baby. Use a sling if they cry when you're trying to get jobs done.

Also this!

I remember feeling like my baby didn't like me at stages, and that he didn't look at us in the eye enough etc even while drinking a bottle. My son also cried if I tried to do a few chores, and contact napped so I basically got nothing done all day for ten months til we finally got him napping in his cot. It was a hard time and felt like forever and ever but looking back now he's two it was such a short (if intense) bit.

Babies will cry to let you know they're annoyed, as long as he's fed and he's not uncomfortable where he is, and is safe, then a few mins of crying is inevitable if you're alone with him and need to do a few things. I did find a carrier helpful at times to do things with my son or I'd her nothing done.

It's natural to wonder about your bond with your child, you are told so much about others experiences or expect the glow of newborn era to be how you thought when it really isn't for many people. You're still such a new mum and your baby is barely out of the newborn stage so give it time, keeping loving him, giving him lots of contact and cuddles, and don't read into everything he does as they change so quickly it's nuts. My baby grew out of staring at anything but us and I grew out of wondering if he liked me 😅

It sounds like you're doing a great job OP and everything you have described is very normal. Your baby is tiny still. And obviously loves you, since he cries when you put him down, and is happy/content in your arms. You have not ruined his trust in you in the slightest. Keep cuddling as often as you can but try not to feel bad when you need to put him down to get things done - every good mama feels the same!

It sounds like you’re doing a brilliant job. The love and the cuddles and the ease of interactions will come as they get bigger and their personality starts to develop. 3 months is a really tough age - try not to compare to other peoples’ babies - they are all so different.
I also found carrying my babies in a carrier was really helpful at this age

Are you doing too much? At 3 months, cooking and cleaning was my DH's job as I also had a velcro baby.

Your baby will be totally fine. I'm just asking as you should prioritise yourself really. Mat leave is not domestic work leave. Your job is to focus on the baby. Especially at 3 months still. From around 4/5 months mine started napping in the cot which was amazing.

I have an extended family member who came from a very traumatic background, and when her second DC cried at lot and didn't sleep much, she found it very hard to see that as normal baby behaviour, rather than the baby rejecting her personally. But it really isn't, so please don't feel like you are upsetting your baby or ruining their trust when they cry. They are communicating with you, not judging you. Crying is all that they have to tell you what they need.

You are your baby's whole world - your face, your arms and your smell are everything to them. It's the purest kind of love that they feel for you.

You are doing a great thing, working past your trauma and raising this little one, I wish you well.

This is fine, you’re overthinking it.

You are doing a great job and it’s a good thing if your baby can happily babble for a bit in his crib.

Does your baby nap much? I did the bulk of jobs when my dd was napping in the day.