What do your partners do when they get home from work?

[WhatDoIDo876]

Mine usually says he needs a toilet.. number 2 and can sometimes take up to 25 minutes on there. He’s self employed and he says he’s sorting out jobs, which I believe but it’s so frustrating. He works 5 days a week, whereas I work Monday - Wednesday 8-4, 1 late shift of 12-10 on the same days and 1 weekend, 8-6. This averages around 28 hours per week.

We have 1 DD and I do majority of the pick ups and drop offs to childcare (in laws and childminder). I am also pregnant with our second and in the third trimester. Absolutely exhausted and barely surviving each day.

I have no time to unwind when I get home as I’m preparing tea, sorting out the bath, doing housework, or preparing a lunch box for the following day. Replenishing my DDs bag etc.

My partner is working on a new contract and getting home anywhere between 5.30-6.30pm. I have begged him to get home earlier but he says it’s not that easy. Then when he gets home he takes time on the toilet and says it’s his time to unwind. We’ve argued over this because I’ve said I don’t get that time and it’s just how it is as a parent. He then gets annoyed and says it’s not a competition.

I wondered if anyone could give me insight into how their relationship works with parenting? Is anyone in a similar situation?

I can’t say I am in a similar situation no. We have a toddler, currently 6 months pregnant, when my husband gets home he’s in dad & partner mode just like I’m in mum & partner mode. We both give each other time to chill each day as much as possible though.

Accept that he needs his half hour, don’t argue because it’s not worth it, then agree when your daily half hour is.

Gets in changes clothes, comes and helps finish dinner with me if it's not quite finished or we eat dinner if it's already ready.
We listen to the radio as a family for half an hour then it's bedtime. We both get our daughter ready for bed and alternate who does bedtime. The other parent goes down stairs to tidy the kitchen. He might do a bit of work if something has come up.

I'm not currently working so I make dinner every day. When we were both working we shared the cooking, one would do the nursery/school pick up and the other would cook

Getting home at 5:30-6:30pm is a perfectly normal and reasonable time to get home most days. I used to commute into London and got home at 8pm several days a week when mine were little.

Dh (self employed) works from home most days so is around most afternoons. When he is on site, he gets home about 7pm though. I’m not working at the moment (long term sickness), but normally one of us has the dc and the other is working, depending on the day.

He does have a shower (because he is very dirty from work, even if wfh) but then he either takes the dc so I can cook or cooks dinner if I am running someone somewhere. We does most of the picking up from activities. I tend to do homework with youngest, but he supervises all homework with eldest (she and I clash with homework 😬). He makes sure everyone gets a shower and I take over for bedtime. That’s pretty much been our routine forever (older one is 12).

Obviously, being self employed work is always there to be done. It’s very easy to fall into the excuse of “working” to avoid family life because you get rewarded for working more. But it’s totally possible to run a business and still make family a priority. Dh and his mate both run businesses (think like in a trade), but both very hands on, very 50/50. It helps I think that it’s very normal in his social circle for men to be as involved as the women. The dads do school runs and cover sick days and take the kids away for weekends and days out because it’s just what’s expected.

Depends what shift he's on. But when he does earlies and gets home around 5.30pm he will usually change and then start sorting out dinner for us all.

I work from home till 5pm (usually later) and I'll usually potter around getting other jobs done.

I always did lunch boxes in the morning whilst my kids ate breakfast. And surely you're not bathing your child every single evening?? A strip wash is plenty acceptable and a bath every 2-3 days. Make life easier on yourself, do you need to do "housework" every evening or can a quick tidy up and whip round with the hoover be enough? DH could do this whilst you sort bedtime.

My DH comes in from work, changes his clothes and washes his hands. Then pretty much immediately gets a baby given to him. Our eldest is 7 and our younger ones are 3 and under 1. It's pretty much always been this way. He is an equal parent, loves to see the kids as soon as he gets in and vice versa.

He works from home so he’s always here. He stops work and plays with our 4 year old at 5ish for a half hour and then we eat dinner together. Then he does bathtime and teeth brushing, and then washes the dinner dishes while I get our son into pyjamas and do bedtime stories. Some nights he’ll do one bedtime story as well before lights out.

Often he needs to continue working until 8pm to catch up. If he left everything to me in the evening and ate dinner at his desk he wouldn’t need to work so late. But he stops to help and be together as a family.

We have a young baby.

Agreement with my partner is he comes in, says hello give cuddle to baby, then he gets 15 mins to himself to do what he wants (go to the loo, unpack work bag, make his breakfast etc)
But the same applies to me, if I go out and he's home I get the same 15 mins of peace. We do the say hello and cuddle the baby as sometimes it's been a rough day and I need a break asap so he can forego his 15 mins

Gets in, kisses for me and DD, drops his stuff in his “study” then helps set the table for dinner or plays with the five year old, dinner, then clear up and games with 5yr old, then we share out bath and bedtime tasks.

Turn the wifi off, he’s hiding in the loo.

DH gets home at 5.30pm and when the kids hear the front door open, they rush to greet him and there's no chance for him to escape! I work pt and have dinner ready for him, the dcs will have started eating already but will still be at the table and we enjoy a family meal. He clears up after dinner and we split childcare tasks as we have have 2 dcs, one of us does bath/play for one and the other will help with homework/music practice etc for eldest. After dc's bedtime we prep food and bags for the next day together. So both of us are pitching in all through the evening and we don't relax until the dcs are in bed and tasks for the next day are sorted.

Love this post. Thanks @WhatDoIDo876

ill contribue when I have time to write it all out but love reading all of these. (Phone is reading it to me so I can still work)!

We share the pick ups from school but if I’ve done the pick up, he usually says hi, gets changed and continues working in his study. He tries to get home so he can see DS and be around for bedtime but his work isn’t generally finished for the day.

Okay but after he has had his 25 minute shit, then what? Does he come and help you?

I have a 19 month old, when my husband gets home from an office day he also always needs to use the toilet. Then he comes and takes over with me so I can go and start cooking whilst he watches our son. Then we take turns to wash up afterwards. He then takes our son out for a walk so I can tidy up living room/shower. Then we usually do bath and bed together. Then he goes to the gym and showers when he gets in.

I’ve had similar conversations and I think it’s very common for both parents to feel like they’ve had the hardest day. I’d avoid any sort of discussion that ends up with both of you trying to compete about whose had it toughest. Never helps.

The suggestion about asking for your 30 mins to unwind would be a good place to start.

Also maybe try giving him a really specific daily task that would be helpful to you. Getting the next days lunch ready? (But also not just literally putting things in, planning a balanced meal and actually getting of making the bits).

We have 3 kids, ages 6, 16 months and a newborn. He works 12 hour shifts 6 days a week Monday - Saturday. Immediately once home it's toilet for a number 2, baths older 2, sorts dinner for us both, has a shower or bath, then we get the older 2 into bed as a team and I take the baby up with me to one room and he goes in with the older boys incase our 16mo wakes through the night. I do all housework, all house admin, food shop, bins, school runs, appointments, have both younger kids all day, you name it and it's me that does it. DH is also self employed.