Difficult teen!

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Hi all, I am in need of advice on how to deal with an emotionally manipulative daughter.

She is very academic bright & very studious. She took her A levels in May and is getting her results tomorrow. She has been predicted A for two subjects and a B in Biology. She needs a C in Biology to get into the university of her choice which is in a expensive area & her student maintaince loan will only cover her rent!!!

proir to the A levels, I have been under an extreme amount of stress with repairs in the property that I am buying alone. Work stress as I was in my first year of teaching & my husband has been working abroad for past 3 years. I also have major family commitments to help out with my dying gran who recently passed away. I suffer with long term mental health & health problems but trying to make something of my life despite this. Also trying to pass my maths level 2 which I failed 3 times because of too much life pressures.

so to get to the point, my daughter is very challenging during these time & growing up she’s always been hard headed and strong willed. She can be argumentative, not sensitive or understanding but I understand she’s a teen ! Prior to her A level Biology exam, the day before. She pushed to go on holiday alone. I told her no it’s not safe. She then calls her dad to try her luck with him. He finds her pushy behaviour overwhelming. So he agreed to keep her quiet and concentrate on exam in a subject she struggles in. This caused a friction between us both because he agrees to things without talking it through with me.

she then plodded on with A levels but still would not leave the holiday situation alone. I explained I can’t go with her because my students are taking exams. She was trying to push for the holiday to be booked but I was shattered from dealing with everything. I had emotional problems with my husband for some time on top. I keep these things separate from my daughter so I was carrying so much alone. After the 1st week of A levels, she persisted in trying to get me or husband to book her holiday. I explained to leave it til after exams. Then one day, I told her I can’t go away with her or think about sorting this holiday because my gran is dying. What if she dies whilst I go away. She said you can stay but she will go alone. This hurt me because my gran is a huge part of my life. She raised me whilst young.

I ignored the comment because she’s a teen. Then she said few insensitive remarks about my marriage because her dad isn’t around. I told her that it’s not nice & she shouldn’t involve herself in such matters that she doesn’t fully understand. The next day, I had a bad day at work. Mirgrine, last min cover & lap top crashed. I lost everything, my resources & exam papers that were graded. I cried to IT department, in the process, my daughter who studies at the same provider text blunt messages regarding holiday again. I explained that I am dealing with laptop situation & very distressed. She again had no empathy and reminded she going on holiday alone.

At this point I had no more capacity for anything else. I was given new laptop. Next day at home, I tried to retrieve everything from iCloud but nothing was saved on it as I saved everything on the desktop. My technology skills are rubbish ! I was so stressed. My daughter showed no support but rang my mum to say she’s leaving the house.

Now I don’t mind if you judge me because I recognise my faults. I lost my temper with my daughter after my mum called me showing no understanding towards my stress. She can say the wrong things at the wrong time ! So felt angry she got involved. I gave my daughter a few words whilst crying telling her that all this because of a holiday & I can’t take her behaviour anymore. She left the house for 4 wks & blocked me on watts app. She studied hard for A levels at my mums. I apologised to my mum & daughter for my temper but my mum understood that I reached my breaking point. The house was upside down with repairs getting done. So I was glad she was out the way.

She came home, I agreed with my husband she could go on holiday to the country he comes from as there is family there. It cost a lot of money because he let her choose any hotel ! I coughed up a lot for her gran to stay with my her because I was worried about her safety. The family house is having refurbishment done.

We spoke about the argument, I really emphasised that I should have kept my cool. She seemed to understand how she contributed to it or so I thought !

Yesterday, we spoke briefly on watts app about plans for exam results day. She’s very nervous which is understandable. I mentioned that will need the day clear in case she don’t get into the university of her choice, she would need to go through clearance. She attacked me and said if she does that she will have to tell them she got emotional abused by me. I was really hurt. She said argument impacted her mental health. I told her that I am sorry she felt that way but I feel like she manipulates me & is looking for excuses if she don’t meet the A level Biology grade. My mum said she’s demanding & can manipulate situations.

Now I am anxious about her results tomorrow and feel that maybe I am responsible?

i can see that you are going through a lot but really this is not your dd issue. She has also faced a very stressful couple of months with the prospect of huge changes to her life to come. Right now she needs your support and the holiday issue is not really significant. I understand you are frustrated but I do not see her as being manipulative, i see her as a typical slightly self absorbed teenager navigating a tricky time in her life. Step back a bit, follow her lead for tomorrow, plan for a plan B. You are her safe space so if she blames you it will blow over, just let her vent and then offer her help.

I agree with you! Thank you for clarifying that. I really value your advice 🥰

Daughter is very upset she got BBC in A levels and was predicted A*AB

Her boyfriend got ABC so both didn’t make it into the university of their choice. They had to go through clearing. Sadly she still blames me

Clearing isn't always a bad choice, just reassure her that you're still proud of her, what course is she going to study? I feel for you, she's not 12 she's 17 almost 18 so why she cannot understand that you don't go on holiday during A-levels is quite ridiculous to me. I understand that exams, A-levels are stressful as is having a sick relative but the lack of compassion for you is just making this not work at all, there's no compromise and it's clearly making your relationship worse. Has she got anything else going on? Would she be willing to talk to any other adults in her life about this because her dad seems to be pretty disengaged or just let's her have what she wants? Why didn't he pay for the hotel if he authorised the holiday.

To he honest, I think you and him need to reset on parenting and have more communication because she'll just play the two of you off anyways. I'd also get some support for yourself, you've got a lot going on and if you don't look after yourself you'll unfairly take it out on others including her. You could go see your GP, maybe look into some low dose medication for the stress or some therapy you could be referred to. In terms of her going to university soon, I'd set some strict boundaries around her studying, working and her attitude to you, she needs to be respectful even if she has a disagreement and not act like she's 5, I'd set these same boundaries with her dad and perhaps in some consultation with her so that you're all on the same page, she may need financial support to live but you can restrict it if she gets rude or isn't willing to have adult communication, if she wants to be treated like an adult she has to act like one.

Her dad needs to be around to parent his child. He's getting an easy ride being abroad.

Daughter was pushing to book holiday for after exams but was demanding for it be booked with either alone or with me. I wasn’t able to go because because I was still working by the time she finished A levels. She got her holiday in a 5 start hotel for 1 week. This was between her and her dad although I see his behaviour as setting poor examples not teaching her about budgeting. They both have expensive taste, my mother also spoils her! Her dad feels guilty for being away for so long so he will give he whatever she wants. I am the one who teaches her about living within your means and the importance of saving & budgeting! Again it falls on deaf ears!

When she sets her sights on something, she don’t let it go. However, me and her dad put our foot down firmly and said we will discuss it after the exams. I have struggled parenting her for a long time, I try to be firm but she’s so argumentative and persistent. She can be really lovely & incredibly sweet at times but our relationship has broken down many times. She goes through stages of blocking my number for weeks & not communicating. I work with teens at work & help other family members with their children but my daughter is the hardest I have dealt with !

Now she is very angry towards me regarding her A level results, but will not take accountability of her own part. Her routine whilst doing exams was very poor, up all night studying then go to exams on very little sleep. I try to tell her it’s not practical but it falls on deaf ears. She is also very invested in her relationship. Does not hang with friends. She did not study consistently, she took long breaks here & there. I admit my anger towards her Proir to exams did not help but it was a built up of anger over her lack of compassion & attitude, not listening to me.

she will provoke you to not want to help her then complains you don’t care. Her father called to ask regarding exam results, she’s refused to disclose them . I only know because she told my mum who told me but I can’t tell anyone. She also spoke of me awful to her dad, this role changes, either I am the bad cop or her dad is the bad cop. Her dad told her to never speak badly of me, I sacrificed 18 years for her & my whole life was planned around her because I never had the luxury of just going on holidays or be able go out over night. I don’t have much support in that sense because my mum works full time. She has had her on odd occasions & when she went to stay at her house for 4 wks. I am not complaining, when you decide to have children, it’s the responsibility of the parents to be the sole caregiver.

I love my daughter a great deal, she’s my only child but the journey has been one of the most difficult experiences I have even endured. Growing myself, I had a troubled childhood & went into care. I made sure my child would never experience that. I have invested so much in her education, I set good examples by doing my degree late & becoming a lecturer. I have fought hard to get her extra time in exams and to be in a less busy exam room . I got a job in the college to be closer to her & be off when she’s off & to manage the transport & as its difficult to get to and back from college where we live. I don’t expect a medal as I am her mother!

My daughter got A* stars in GCSES whilst battling a eating disorder which she’s now recovered from. I understand there is a high expectations on her to get same in A levels but me & her dad are proud regardless, she is now going to Lancaster University WITH her boyfriend (nothing was discussed with us because she’s in a mood ! but it’s her decision & her responsibility how well she does. Now my mum & her dad expect me to show her love & just carry on doing things for her despite her attitude. I believe that if children/adults are rude and disrespectful, don’t show them it’s okay. I still do what I have to & leave her be, eventually she snaps out of it on her own without me giving her impressions it’s okay to behave this way. My parenting skills are not perfect but I don’t believe in spoiling them too much. you have to allow them to be upset and learn how to navigate it but also consider their actions.

I really appreciated everyone’s kind comments and support.

I am very proactive in terms of getting support. I had counselling, take medication and go for walks when stressed!!!

I also remember, she missed alot of classes at college during exam revision because she was up all night so would decide to stay home. I would be at work ringing her to wake up !!!! After argument she decided to leave the house because she couldn’t study here. I am buying the house so the landlord had to do repairs that had to be completed in a certain timeframe. I personally think it was good she changed environment but it was her choice. She was very difficult towards me during that period. Once exams were over, she came home and slowly we were okay. In fact she was loving and sweet. Once exam results came, it was back to that hostile behaviour!

She told the university to reconsider her a place because I emotional abused her so that they reconsider her a place if she don’t meet the grade

I told her for the first time, her behaviour is manipulative!

I think she knew she wasn’t going to get good results. To be wanting to book a holiday the day before an exam, why is her mind even on that, surely you’d be more stuck into study and concentrating only on that if it was important to you rather than planning basically on running away from your problems.

She sounds stressed, spoiled or lazy. Or all three. The boyfriend failing to get his grades also makes me think the two of them haven’t been studying enough.

Your life sounds unbelievably chaotic and stressful, running from one thing you must do to another with a useless father of your daughter who wants to be the good cop instead of growing a backbone. You must be exhausted.

Probably compromise is somewhere in the middle. You need to not take on so much at once with no support and that has probably been the reason youve been potentially not as helpful as you could have been, just because you were overstretched. Lesson to be learned there about knowing your boundaries perhaps?

However for your daughter to try and put the reason for failing to get good grades onto you, that isn’t fair. She could have studied in the library or whatever and escaped a stressful home life. As could he. But they chose not to. And regretted it. But it was too late by then.

So I’d prob apologise and explain again for any part you may have played in her struggling to study at home, telling her why youve not been yourself and how exhausting it all has been, physically and emotionally on you. But point out for the future that shes a young adult now so needs to employ common sense eg studying in the uni where it’s quiet if needs be (instead of hanging out with a boyfriend), or running away for a month alone as a young woman In a foreign country where it’s not safe.

That you love her and you’re proud of her and even if she didn’t get the best grades she still did well.

Thank you for you response, I am so appreciative of your time and advice as I can get lost in my parenting skills! My daughter stayed with my mum for 4 wks. She went on holiday for 1 week after exams were over. I made her gran stay with her as she lives in same place as hotel. I agree with everything you’ve said. Thank you so much to everyone else, your wise words are a comfort ❤️