At a loss of what to do now.. 13 year old daughter

[Amwefr]

Hello,

Hoping for a bit of advice or maybe even just to know I'm not alone.

I have a 13 year old daughter who was no trouble at all until the last year - in the last year she has stopped talking to all her old friends and fallen in with a new crowd. Since that has occurred she has started skipping school, has been caught stealing from local shops, has been caught vaping on more than one occasion and is now staying out till 11pm (despite being told to come home earlier).

Me and her father are split up and have 50/50 custody, I would also add at this point that her dad ended a long term relationship about 18 months ago that involved him moving homes and he has since got into a on and off again relationship with someone new. I feel he shares too much of this with our daughter as he seems to treat her as more of a friend so not sure if that is impacting things too. His ex partner also wants nothing to do with her despite being in her life since she was a baby as me and her father split up when she was very young.

We have tried taking her phone, grounding her, using a reward system for good behaviour, talking to her about how she is behaving and why and just get a "I dont know", we have offered her to speak to someone outside of the family and have got her a mentor in school but nothing seems to be having an impact. I also feel like I'm always the bad guy as me and her father will agree on a route forward but then he will go against what we have agreed and give her back her phone, allow her out with friends ect.

It's got to the point now where she is wanting to not come to my home as she knows she gets away with more at her dad's and due to his work schedule she can be left alone until anywhere from 6pm - 3am depending on the day whereas previously under our agreement she would be with me any night he was working late.

Sorry for the ramble I'm just honestly lost on what to do going forward so again any help or even just words of encouragement from parents who have been through this and come out the other side would be great!

What activities is she involved in other than going out with friends and screen time? I think a key think with teens is to create as many safer social situations for them so they can learn how to enjoy life without rebelling all the time. Does she do a sport? Is there something she might be interested in taking up at a club like dance, swimming, drama?

The best solutions for this kind of stuff is to get her involved in positive activities so that the other stuff fades out.

if her dad won’t keep agreements and lets her do what she wants then if you keep going down the punishment route she’ll end up moving there.

what’s she interested in? Music, horses, sport? Can you start doing activities with her?

keep them occupied is honestly the best advice.

In light of the risks to her safety, I’d revisit custody and ensure she’s not home alone. I’d also speak to her dad and have a very serious conversation about the risks he’s exposing her to by not uniting with you on consequences, curfew and punishments. It’s not just about being naughty, she’s at an age where older guys can take advantage and unhealthy habits/ crimes will impact her future.

she absolutely needs to be in therapy too

Is anything going on at school? Misogyny, bullying, issued with teachers? I'd start with having a conversation with her because it's clearly becoming more persistent so it's not just a small thing. Does she have siblings? Are they younger and getting more attention? Most of the time rebellion is a way of wanting more connection or help for something, not always but start there. Why does she want to hang out with those people?

In terms of skipping school, I tried as much as possible to drop her in front of school and watch her go in. I'd also collaborate with school on this about the skipping? What consequences have they given her for that?

Thanks for the replies.

Until the last year she used to play for a local basketball team which held weekly training sessions and she seemed to enjoy but decided to give this up last summer and refuses to attend anymore despite us continuing to offer to take her.

She's also said she might be interested in the local theater group but again when it comes down to actually going she refuses. I know her mentor at school is also trying to get her to do some sort of activity with the school but so far nothing seems to be sticking.

I find it hard with her dad as when we talk he's fully on board and we are on the same page but then he just can't seem to actually stick to what we agree when the time comes, I will definitely look into therapy even though she is not keen as I think it will help to talk things through and maybe they can more than an "I dont know" from her.

Definitely get her back into the sports whether that be basketball or something different and if she could do that with theatre or anyhring else is a good idea. Maybe also try therapy something like DBT which helps with emotional regulation and behaviour

If you feel your daughter is not safe when at her Dad’s you could stop her going there (get advice on altering your legal arrangement if you have one, or get an Order if you don’t) and/or involve social services. You need to nip this in the bud asap, the consequences for your daughter could be catastrophic (sex, drugs, lost education etc etc).

I think her being on her own till 3 a.m. if her Dad’s working late is shocking! It should be non-negotiable that whenever he has a late shift she should absolutely be with you - no question. Who’s to know what she’s getting up to while he’s away? With things as they are, she should have an adult present, in whichever home she’s at, pretty much all the time, and certainly in the evenings and overnight. I would say 6 o’clock should be the latest he should be getting home when she’s with him.