Toddler tantrums help

[AmberM223]

My little boy is 2y10m old, has always been VERY head strong, independent and clever (too clever you would probably say) he understands a lot more than your average toddler, spoke very early and is quite advanced all round for his age.
In the last 2 months his tantrums have been absolutely horrid, and just seem to be getting worse week by week.
He used to have a ‘time out step’ downstairs which worked well, if he was having a meltdown or had bad behaviour we would sit him there to calm down, and speak to him when he had done so, resolve it and that was that.
He then started constantly getting up from the time out zone, screaming, getting more and more hysterical. So we decided to move his ‘calm down spot’ to his bed upstairs, his room has a gate on so if he was being aggressive he was in his room.

The tantrums could be over anything, not being allowed another snack, not wanting to tidy his toys up when asked, wanting to go to the park immediately. We try stay calm, change the subject, offer alternatives first, then we will be firm, tell him off and make sure we follow through with ‘i will ask nicely one more time, then you will have to go upstairs ro clam down’ He never does as we say, so up we take him - then the meltdown really does begin, he smacks, screams unbelievably, jumps and stamps, he’s relentless. We ignore him but he can carry on for up to an hour or more.

I just feel like i must be doing something wrong? am i not handling this correctly? should i be letting him get away with more than i do?
I feel really lost, i know toddlers go through tantrums and they say ‘terrible twos’ but i have never seen anything like this and just looking for any advice / tips!! thanks!

I’m not a fan of time outs used like this. Tantrums are usually children who have lost control not children who are being naughty. If an adult was really upset then you wouldn’t send them off by themsleves. I was give physical space, sit outside of kicking/hitting distance, say some thing simple every 5 mins like ‘I’m here for a cuddle when you want one’ and just wait it out.

@Parksinyork no i do agree to some degree, it was more at first to actually give him space to calm down, because he seemed to get more and more angry and agitated when we were around just going about our day ignoring his tantrums at first. Then we moved him upstairs to calm down when he started being aggressive as he has a younger sibling too. And it was always ‘we will speak when you have calmed down so i can understand what your saying’ it also seemed better for him to throw himself around on his bed (floor bed) than the hard floor as we didn’t want him to hurt himself. It just seems impossible at the moment. Especially if the tantrum is because i have told him off for pushing friends when they come around, snatching constantly or like this evenings tantrum - smacking me in the face!

Agreed, tantrums are loss of emotional control as they are too young to do it themselves and need you to support them through it, they aren't trying to be naughty but i get how it feels this way when they are acting out. Its probably why its escalating so much and lasting for so long as hes reslly struggling to regulate himself back down to being calm. Firstly if he is hungry hurt or tired address the need, if they are being rude about how they are asking for help sure you can tell them how to say it in a nicer way but the need should be satisfied. If not you just need to be passive, patient and holding your boundary while they tantrum, but in their space showing them calm behaviour to help them ride out the storm. Seeing you modeling the clam behaviour helps them come back down to where they should be. If kicking or hitting you can restrain them to stop them from doing it or move away so they cant anymore. When they have calmed down (and only then as they aren't really in a place to listen to words / reason during a tanturm) you can either pick to address it or just move on to something else.

Hope you manage to get to the other side of them soon, the more you do it and the more consistent you are, you'll soon seen the tantrums end quicker and be less often (hopefully 😉)

He may be clever and verbal but he is still only 2. He has the emotional maturity of a 2 year old, which is pretty much zero and will be for years to come. I fell into the exact same trap as you with DS1, who was super clever and verbal and, unwittingly, I expected his emotional maturity to match. If anything, he’s pretty emotionally immature for his age! I think you are massively escalating things unnecessarily with a variant of the naughty step and punishing his loss of control.

We try stay calm, change the subject, offer alternatives first

This is good! Stick to this without the escalation. If it doesn’t work and he hits full blown tantrum, stay close, remind him intermittently you are there when he is ready and try and be a beacon of calm.

Especially if the tantrum is because i have told him off for pushing friends when they come around, snatching constantly or like this evenings tantrum - smacking me in the face!

Some 2 year olds can manage play dates in their own homes but a lot can’t. Mine still can’t really at age 5. It’s too overwhelming. Better to meet somewhere neutral. If he hits you, put him down, purposefully walk away and say something like ‘that hurt - No’, but don’t escalate beyond that.

If you haven’t already I’d recommend the book ‘how to talk so little kids will listen’.

Thanks everyone i really appreciate the tips and help!! I do think im getting so cross with it all now im not managing it very well. So im going to change my approach and see if this helps! He’s starting pre school in a few weeks too and i just don’t want him going with this behaviour but i suppose he is 2 at the end of the day isn’t he so he will act how he acts! I just want to make sure im teaching him the correct way to behave and as everyone does - want him to be a nice and kind boy!

The biggest thing you need to do is regulate your own emotions. At two he can’t regulate his own emotions, so he needs you to help him coregulage his emotions. If you’re getting worked up by it then he will just feed off you and get worse.