Ridiculously generous grandparents

[rony]

My mum and aunt (not gps as such, more grandma and greataunt since my dad died - they're joined at the hip) are besotted with my dd and ds. Problem is they constantly buy them presents, sometimes very extravagant ones, I know it's really kind of them and do appreciate it, but have several issues with it:

our house is totally cluttered with toys

they don't appreciate the toys they have as there is so much

don't want them to be too spoilt

my mum and aunt have a weird attitude to presents and I don't want this rubbing off on dcs

How do I get them to calm it down without offending? (they do offend easily)

You will have to offend them. I mean not on purpose, but if you want it to try to stop it it will obviously be a side-effect.

the in-laws do this with ds and now he's started not even having proper conversations with them, just lists of things he wants buying. We have offended them, but they have ignored us anyway. We mitigate the mercenary instinct in ds as much as we can, but it's really their loss that he primarily likes them because they buy him things... it appears to take the place of actually listening to him and being interested in his life, just like it did with their own son.

that's interesting, I think you're right that it takes the place of actually listening to them, dh says they treat them like little toys for their own amusement, and certainly when dd is on the phone to them they talk at her so much that they never hear a word she says back to them.

we were thinking of deciding how many toys they can give them at each occasion, birthdays etc and telling them anything else will go straight to the charity shop...

My in-laws are just the same on the phone!

And I do believe they treat ds like a toy for their own amusement.

I think the limits are good, just prepare for them to be upset, and/or ignore you anyway.

I think resistance is futile

How old are your children rony? I only ask ask my parents were like this for a few years. One christmas they bought DS1 and DS2 so many gifts they actually got bored opening them.

They have calmed down. I had to tell them that we didn't have room for all the toys they were buying and that they were spoiling our children.

My mum is still obsessed with getting them something everytime they go away on holiday (which is often). She stopped at Gretna Green on their trip to Scotland and bought the three eldest boys some tacky towels that look like kilts - more tacky clutter, thanks mum. Her comment was that she knew they were silly but she had to buy them something - no, mother, you really didn't. Sheesh.

(Sorry, have gone off on a personal ramble there!)

why's that lazarou?

We have struggled with this for years - DS now 6 and DD 5. It has gradually got better - I've encouraged books and tried to let them know what the DCs really like. I also fight a losing battle with 'stuff' and they don't appreciate what they have. If the children don't take any notice of a present I try to hide it as soon as visitors have gone and give it away.

A friend is very strict with in-laws and has told them one present for each child at christmas and birthdays. I would find this hard to manage since I just don't seem to communicate easily with mine.

Another suggestion I've heard is to ask people to give the children time rather than presents - e.g. take them out for a treat.

Rony - what is their weird attitude towards presents that yuo don't want rubbing off on your DC?

Sorry - but I think you sound a bit ungrateful.

I really don't think you are ungrateful. It can be a real problem for the parent who has to deal with a houseful of unwanted stuff and spoilt children.

Dd is 2.5 and ds is 1. So he's not really interested in the toys that much anyway and dd is just at that age now when they start to be influenced by consumerism, advertising etc!

mehgalegs - oh yes the holiday presents - they just got back from a short break in the isle of wight and brought dd a Balamory Nursery and ds a Thomas train plus a couple of other smaller things each!! when I said you really mustn't, they said oh we couldn't possibly go away and not bring them something!! (mum and aunt must be really gutted when we get back from hols having bought them zilch)!!

Well I thought the comment about the phonecall sounded a bit off. At least they are phoning to speak to your dc and showing an interest in them. As for the toys, I don't believe a child would become 'spoilt' by being given gifts from someone who was not their parent. If you are firm with them about what they can and can't have they are unlikely to become 'spoilt.'

We have the same issue with phonecalls too - I find it so sad when I hear DD trying to tell her grandma something and she is never heard because at the other end of the line MIL never stops talking.

I don't think any of it is about the children it's about the need to shop and buy things and in my MIL's case I think she didn't have much herself as a child so wants to buy it now.

Hi rony. I meant that I think any objections would fall on deaf ears.

My FIL was ridiculously generous with presents too - but I let him get on with it because I knew that he wasn't just buying presents for his grandchildren - he was, in his subconscious (or maybe even conscious)mind making up for not being able to afford anything at all when his children were small. Every penny he spent on our children was making up to DP never being able to go on school trips, never having new clothes or a bicycle or pocket money - it would have been cruel to stop him.

rony - my mother is the same with my dd and I have exactly the same concerns/issues as you. I have dropped hints and they have been ignored. If I say anything too bluntly to my mother I know it will end in a feud so I just let her get on with it..

my dd is nearly 6 and I have to deal with the consequences now more than ever.

We have same issues with 'stuff' because we have 5children. I have talked with granparents and family friends about the children's need for savings when they go to university or into training and both grandparents have set up savings accounts in the children's names. We also ask people to take them out instead of giving presents, and one year about 6friends bought them fruit trees for the garden

thanks everyone for your suggestions. my mum does also have a savings account for them both, and I think suggesting they take them out, or buy alternative types of presents is a good idea. my mum loves gardening, I was thinking maybe she could set up a little corner of the garden with their own plants and flowers etc.

I have the same problem with my mother and yes, I agree it can sound ungrateful but she turns up with literally a suitcase's worth of presents for my DDs (aged 4 and 2) and as soon as they hear she's coming they start mentioning her suitcase. It's present after present after present, and that's jsut for a normal visit - it's worse at Christmas and birthday (where Dh & I buy hardly anythng as thye get so much from other family members). Our house is tiny and the kids just don't appreciate it after the fifth present.

Now I ask my mum outright to buy them stuff like swimmng lessons or shoes, but she does that and still buys them loads of presents (and she's not rich by any means so I feel doubly bad). My DH still goes mad about it (his family don't do extravagant presents) but I've realised I'm fighting a losing battle. I agree with PP, it's the gps who lose out as I think my DDs like my mum mainly for her presents rather than for the fantastic granny she really is.

ask them if they'd put the money they spend on toys into a savings scheme (premium bonds can be fun) for the children so that they will benefit in the long-run

The garden is a great idea - that can always be added to appropriate to the season, and things always need replacing, and sounds like something granny can be involved in.

My MIL is generous but sensible - she asks what 'big present' DD wants for xmas/bday - things like scooters, and then gets maybe a couple of books as well. One year, having really enough 'stuff', we requested family membership for Chester zoo - that was really great.

staranise - I think my mum would be like yours and still buy toys even if I asked her to take them on an outing or something instead.

the other reason it bugs me is that dh and I then feel we have to limit what we buy them otherwise we're just adding to the stuff! and sometimes I see things I would like to get for them but don't.

like I mentioned she is a bit obsessive about presents, she also has high expectations about receiving gifts from other people, it has to be just the right thing or she gets huffy. When I was 14 i went on a school trip to France and when I got back all she was interested in was what presents I had brought for the family, I had got just little things like a bar of choc each, she went mad, wouldn't talk to me for a week and insisted I go out and buy "proper" presents for everyone including my cousin, aunt and grandma!!

I'm still traumatised by that incident to this day...! this is why I don't want the same thing to happen to my dcs...

for Christmas last year dh and I bought her a really posh kitchen knife as she kept going on about wanting on and admiring ours. upon receiving it she made it quite clear she didn't want it, then when we moved house a few weeks later and we borrowed some of her kitchen stuff temporarily, the knife turned up among those things, still in its wrapper!! so we kept it....

phew, glad to have got all that off my chest...!!

Ooh rony, my mum really does sound like yours. She loves getting presents and likes them to be on the expensive, extravagant side. I spend more on her at Christmas almost than everyone else put together (bearing in mind she lives alone and no family except her kids so I do try to make up for that to a certain extent). And she makes it very clear if she doesn't like something. Her mother was very mean to her and she had hardly anything nice as a child so am sure she is just over-compensating now - jsut wish she wouldn't do it with my children!
We definitely buy the kids less, if anything at all, becasue they get some much from everyone else. I suggested to my SIL that we bought presents jsut for the adults and not for the children (we have three each, all six of whom are ruined by the various gps) but it really didn't go down very well!