How to not get triggered? How to get through?

[summerfall]

Me and my husband has been in a long term relationship and we have kids. One of our main issues has been dealing with the effects on him, us in return, of his dysfunctional first family.

I noticed early on he became someone else in the company of his parents. He was shut off. He has acted as an individual and not stepped in when I have been mentally abused by his parent, his dad.

My husband would tell me when I pushed him on why he did not say or do something to show his loyalty to me in these situations that he would freeze or what ever.

I know that his dad would never go at me in that fashion if it was not that it was my husband that he knew was too weak to defend me aka defend himself. It hurt me that he was willing to put me through this without so much of a blink of an eye, to save himself, when my husband must have known how much I loved him. He would not stand up for his siblings either. Everyone was by themselves like stranded island at a stormy sea. Even their own mom would get up and leave instead of staying and defending one of her children. I can not imagine my parents or siblings doing that to me or I them. As a mom you do not walk away when the other parent push your children down. You show yourself you are there, on their side, and will fight with them or you remove them from the scene. You do something. You do not walk away. I feel as if my husband has been left by both parents. There is no way all his emotional needs has been met.

I was vulnerable than most considering I had lost my own family early, both my parents dead and gone, and so I had before had hope that I would win a family back by marrying into one. I could not have been more off. I regret ever becoming "part" of this "family".

I would say my husband has two distinct sides to him, one is the one I recognize and love, the other is this guy who he is when he is with his family. The other one brings fear into my system as I can not connect with him when he is like that. Situations where I have needed him as a partner and a dad. For him to think "us", prioritize us, me, the kids. But no.

His parents would verbally abuse one another in public and around us and this is what he was used to, growing up, and so out of the blue when calmly discussing something he would suddenly get very loyal to his first family and put me down - all for our kids to see, had they been around at that moment. He has this strange loyalty to them so the smallest thing he sees as a threat of me simply talking about something to another family member, me standing my ground without being rude, is then him turning on me. He would never snarl like that to his first family members, only I get this treatment.

So lots of history of that, lots of hours spent on me trying to get through to him. I realize we have both been shaped differently as in me through instinct recognizing us as a "we" and especially in situations where I detect "an outsider" crossing boundaries. He on the other hand through instinct identify himself as "I" or part of the first family and me, his wife, the mother of his kids, then being "an outsider" who he must put in place.

To me his very will, his soul has been bend, broken, and it must have happened to him at some point during growing up I guess to fit the first family's needs.

I can tell by the way his siblings are towards their partners that they too mimic their parents ways as in looking and treating their partners not as a "we" but as an "I" and the partners them being "the outsiders", "the enemies", if you so will. This will all happen when there is a "discussion" or a pressured situation surfacing.

I have been bullied by his dad, but when I told my husband about everything that had happened when he was not in the room or when his dad hs looked me up, he did absolutely nothing about it. Act as if nothing had happened. Always when we would see them everyone would pretend all was good and well, all picture perfect on the surface. But you know at any given time it can all burst.

I knew I had to step up and be very strong, independent from him, could not count on him - he was part of the pack of what ever this was, and show our children they could at least trust me in any given situation. I became "I" with the children, mentally cutting him off as a way to survive and show my kids we're OK.

His family also has a love for cutting the family into bits and pieces so they would plan out and follow through having vacations on their own. My husband would go with them and leave our hurt and confused small children (and me) behind. I was told they wanted to do this to celebrate how the family was before.

My husband has never confronted his parents about anything. All he has done is take steps back and not seen them as often, not bringing us with him when he does. I think his silent action of simply not seeing them as much was their way to want to get him, and their old pack, their gang, their kids, with them in perhaps a hope to get closer, or to show the rest of us "our place".

Following the simply everyone knows them social customs were he is suppose to think of us as an us, he has simply gone "I" or gone "we" with his first family. This too symbolic as in him at official social functions physically acting this way.

All of his treatments and everything in his family and me trying to get through to this thick brick wall has now triggered me that when ever something else happens where he acts like this "I" or "We" with his first family, showing me and our children this, will get me. I am hugely triggered and everything will come back to life.
Just this small thing that instead of him saying at an early stage to one of children that I have to talk about this with mom first, the way I always do when it is the opposite, he instead decides almost all the way so when I am asked at the end of the process I look like the bad cop for saying no, and he and I do not represent a "we", that I am used to my parents doing when I grew up. My parents eventually split but they continued to be this "we" as far as I was concerned.

I do not know how to not be triggered by everything and do not know how to get through to him. Is this just to accept how he is I do not want to represent this to our kids as a way for parents, partners to be. I'm at this point lost at how to go forward. We are so different.

Quite a complex situation to unpack on an anonymous forum! If anything is going to change your husband needs to engage, recognise his issues and go to individual therapy and maybe couples therapy with you.

If he can't own his issues and how it's affecting your family then you have a decision to make.

Id stop seeing the parents if I were you

It sounds dysfunctional all around. He doesn't seem to respect you or vare about you very much, but you also come across as quite needy and over the top. Marriage counselling might help but tbh you may just want to separate. Leave him to his mother.

Thank you everyone for your opinions. Therapy is something he has set to do on his own after I had enough one day, took the kids and left, he is not the only family member on his side that has been under this, similar pressure and gone into therapy. In a way I feel sorry for him and the whole family for all the mess, but in another I get triggered when reminded. I have never been seen as needy before, but I think that when you do not get what you are suppose to, you end up getting out of balance yourself. We have talked much about my experiences where I feel he has let me down and he has recognized them, say he is sorry, is clearly effected by it and so for some time he was all about showing me he was this changed man and more or less forced me to spend time with his family to prove his point. He does not recognize from one situation to the next that it is the same thing and so he acts from this I perspective he is brought up with, that I see his parents do. It is only when I point out to him that whenever something for instance involve the children I always say I have to talk to dad before we give you an answer, why do not he show me the same respect as a parent? I do not want our children to grow up like he has. I don't want them around that. On the other hand I used to be insecure before as I do come from a split home where my parents were no longer a couple. From other family members, relatives who I consider happily married, and me too being close to friends families I never saw this "I" attitude, the dysfunctional ways. He has before put all the blame on himself and not wanted me part of his therapy. The husband he is otherwise at home and without parents present is someone who is involved and do care, begs me to stay, does make me feel loved by him, this why it has always been confusing to me how he can change like that. I am at a point where I feel I have to get like him then, the I, but then I know that is not me, not my style, when there are situations where I do think my partner should be viewed and treated as part of the "we". It is not something I want to force on him, I would have wanted him to want to by his own free will to treat me like that. Anyways, thanks :)

Sounds like he needs to go NC with his parents as a bare minimum, possibly his siblings too unless they are also wanting to change things. He definitely needs therapy. I would suggest couples therapy as well as personal as he needs to get help with how a functional, loving family behaves - not the dysfunctional mess he grew up with.

Can you talk to his siblings partners for support? My sister-in-law (husband’s brother’s wife) was a godsend to me (and I hope me to her) because our in-laws were just godawful to us both. Maybe between you you can come up with some coping strategies - or at least have a bitch when it all becomes too much,

If your husband won’t go NC you may have to choose to either leave him to protect yourself and your children from his family or agree that you never have to see them if you don’t want to - these days I just don’t see my in-laws at all. I will say though, look carefully at his parents, in particular his father, because there is a strong chance that is who your husband will become. Mine always said he did not want to be like his dad, yet he’s 100% become him.

I'm sorry to hear that, what you've been through but happy you got support. Too hearing your story makes me feel less alone in this situation, so thank you for sharing. I have tried to reach out and be a support and from what I can tell it has been appreciated and they too have tried to be supportive but I think overall everyone is effected, sick of it all and pretty much do what my husband began doing before they did which was to see them, the parents less and the family as a result less then too. The usual procedure I would see in my husband was that he would keep the relationship with his parents polite. I was not aware of the dynamic of the family, parents, before I became a mom to their grandchildren, before that what I did pick up from my husband and his parents was what I thought was the result from an authority discipline parent-child background kind of ways. I was not worried then. I am used to finding something in common and despite being different finding a way to get along. I was not ready for this. I never imagined my husband being someone who would chicken out or allow me to be mentally abused. I know one time a stranger, a guy, came up to me, creepy, threatening, and my husband was right there to remove the threat, so to speak, without me barely register what happened. When he would get jealous of me he would change his attitude towards people in general and people could tell he wanted to be alone. I misread him before when we were dating as I could tell he was not that interested in other people, or women, for that matter. He was only interested in one and that was me. That was the message he sent to others and to me, but again I did not know he was jealous. I figured with him I will always feel safe, it's him and I. I never thought he will give his permission to have me being treated this way. I have asked him to be honest with me, if he has lost his interest to just say so, that I will give him a "good" divorce, meaning I will make this as easy as it can get and hope and work towards us having a healthy co parenting style in future ahead. I will let him be. It is better to just level with me than to signal to me as well as those around us that he has no respect for me which he simply cannot have if he lets his dad behave this way. I have been told that the mental abuse, these sick ways, are ways he has been raised to accept. When I would object I would be minimized made fun off just like my husband has been. I know now that bullies have parents that are bullies themselves, being both a victim and bully in one, complex. From what I can tell his siblings has been able at times to spot this and come to my aid before or ever if my husband would. That too says something which is that they too spot their brother to be too weak or blind to do me right. I have been educated on how to deal with someone like his dad so I guess that part too could cause confusion as I do not interact through rage or tears but show calm and in control which in itself is not easy when I have been right fully scared and angry, but still have to go on as I simply can not let him win or think he is getting away with it. I think his dad prefers weak women, not normal or strong ones. I have told my husband that he might control you but he won't ever control me. I have toldmy husband that any healthy parent child or parent and adult-child relationship is built on mutual respect. Not one sided. No action, attitude as if he owns them, he's doesn't. There is a failure long before I entered the picture with how their communication goes. They can't pin that on me. With me or without me in the future I told my husband that he still needs to be there when they get older and need help.
I will get back to him and ask if he can consider another type of therapy or if we should do it, the two of us. I feel as if I am reacting when triggered very much black or white, right or wrong. He has told me to please let us move forward, to not go back, but it is pretty hard when I see signs of his I when he should think we. I too have told him I think we will only get tense before, while seeing his family, and me looking for signs that he hasn't changed. I don't want to be that wife. I don't think it would get so big had it not been for all the bad stuff before. I will tell him of your suggestions of the therapy.

It struck me today that I have more or less become one of them, the family, in sense that I feel triggered so fast in that athmosphere. Before all this I did not understand why for instance his siblings would go off (but never at me). I did not understand why my husband would not simply talk to his parents, or at least one of them, in private. I used to think his silence, him being so distant in his attitude, was what I thought would be hurting his parents. I used to think if they just dared to open up and talk. Did not have to involve me at all. That what ever was wrong or what could be improved would do that. If he could reach out then maybe they too. That they could change this. He would dismiss it saying it would not work. That nobody talked like that. That he could talk to me like that but not them. Now I sadly knows that if you open up you show yourself vulnerable and it will be turned against you, something I have never seen occuring in another family. He has never done that to me. Had my parents or other grownups around me done that I believe I too would have shut down like that. He says he has no hope in change for the better through therapy. His relations with his siblings has stayed intact. Thankfully. But I still think their partners first families function better and so naturally they are going more in that direction. The only reason I can come up with why they have not stick up for one another when the dad has been mentally abusive is that they were thought it send signals that the one abused was then too weak on it's own to defend oneself, too it was not allowed to view it for what it was, abuse, a dad crossing the line. Why he was OK with what I endured with his dad or simply from when I protested and called it out for what it was is that he says he did not recognize it for it. It is my guess that why his siblings has begun to protest, come to my aid, is because over time because of their partners families maybe, too recognize when it has gone too far. Too the therapy. I am happy he was talked into getting one too by the one who has began his treatment. I have seen the dad answer with getting more tough as I guess a reaction of wanting to gain the control that is slipping through his fingers, but it only makes it more visible that what he is doing is wrong and been wrong always. My husband did not think we or I needed therapy, that the tools he got was enough to help me, us, too, but I do need it. I think I put aside my own feelings as I was busy wabting him to get help, and him too thinking I was alright or would become fine with everything once he had changed. I did not want to be inconvienent and bring on some expensive therapy on my own, but now it settled I and we too, will get through it, help me out, therapy, because honestly I don't want to feel this way no more. One moment I can feel like I got this, the next triggered just like I have seen the other family members reacting to the stress. It can get you at these rather small incident when it is not really on it's own something that deserves such a strong trigger of a reaction. Something I would in the past be less upset about. Before I used to think his family get upset over nothing or really stuff that do not deserve all that. Now I get why. If I work on myself or we keep working on this the right way I am sure in time we'll be fine :)