How to break bad habits with 3 year old feeding?

[MrsL35]

I’m not looking for judgement, I know I’ve created these bad habits. I’m just looking for some advice about how to move forwards.

My 3 year old DS loves to be spoon fed. He also either eats in front of the TV or whilst we read him books. He used to be a severely picker eater from 14 months - 2 years and his weight was suffering but once we let him watch TV (I used to be strict about no TV with meals), he started trying and eating more foods. He normally watches the TV with breakfast and lunch but dinner we always eat at the table as a family with no screens, but we often will read him books once we’ve finished eating ours. He now has a pretty good diet for a toddler.

Somewhere along the way we also started spoon feeding him towards the end of his meals. He always starts off himself, can use cutlery perfectly fine etc, he’s just a reeeeeally slow eater. Sometimes we can be at the table for 1.5 hours. We don’t force him to finish everything on his plate but if he says he’s not finished, we stay. So we started helping him by feeding him. This helped speed things up slightly and helped him try even more variety of foods.

However, he’s now 3 and I feel like he’s too old for this to continue. He also started outright asking to be fed “you do it”. Some evenings he’ll also sit at the table, pick at the most tempting bits and then mess around until we’ve finished eating and wait until he gets books. Then he’ll either tuck in by himself or I’ll step in and feed him whilst his Dad reads to him. I know, not ideal.

I’ve tried using a timer but it only worked the first time. I have also started just refusing to feed him but it does lead to meal times taking a lot longer and him eating a lot less. And less of the healthy foods. This stresses me out due to previous weight concerns.

Anyone been in a similar situation or have any ideas?

Just stop.

Tell him he's old enough to feed himself, chose what he wants to eat on the plate and take as long as he wants about it.

Only put healthy options on the plate or at least what you're happy for him to eat, and leave him to it.

If you can't wait til he's done I suppose you'll have to leave him at the table by himself to finish.

You're right to stop this, as it stands youre basically force feeding him. He'll probably need to re learn to listen to his own hunger signals.

You’re right to want to stop this. He needs to learn to regulate himself and recognise when he’s full. Not only would I be concerned about how he’s going to cope at school/nursery but you risk setting him up for a lifetime of food issues if he never learns to listen to his body.

What about serving more finger foods this week to ease the transition? It’s hot in most of the UK which lends itself quite to bbq food or picnic bits. You could even eat outside to get away from the TV and he could take his toys out to make a teddy bear’s picnic so it’s hopefully a fun treat thing he’s eager to do rather than making it about NO TV. You could also play an audio book or music in the background to ease off the reading to him. And think about any tweaks you can make with the shopping e.g. if you usually spoon feed him yoghurt buy tube or pouch ones from now on.

You sound like a very caring mum.

i would also be concerned about the low weight - which you have now sorted.

I would do this slowly. I would stop lunch tv and read a book when he is finished. Do that for 6 weeks.

I would still feed him with a spoon but do it a bit less. If you normally do 10 spoons do 6.

whatever you do, do not make a big announcement to him. Don’t make a drama out of it all.

By doing the above you will start to feel more in control. I honestly don’t think what you have done is a big deal.

I think it’s understandable you’ve got into this situation OP, I wouldn’t beat yourself up too much. I think I’d make a plan of where you want to get to with meal times and then work out the steps. So maybe a couple of weeks no screens, then a couple of weeks where you tell him stories but no books (he can have books when he’s done eating), then a couple of weeks where he has to feed himself and books are his reward after he’s eaten. Whatever you think he’d respond best to and give him a chance to adjust. You’ll get there.

I understand your worries though, I fret about DS (also 3) eating well and having nice table manners. He eats pretty well and generally his table manners are very good. I will say we also sometimes feed him the end of his evening meal for the same reasons you’ve outlined, gets his veggies into him. I just think some days, especially nursery days, he’s tired, and he’s only 3. Lots of adults have a pizza on their lap in front of the tv after a tough day, same thing

When you have done 6 weeks no tv lunchtime make another change.

unpopular opinion… yes we should all respond to our own hunger but some kids just don’t eat a lot and need support. They are still very little. You will
not be feeding him at 10. It’s fine to support eating. What is not fine is to make a drama or be mean etc.

I tend to find with entrenched habits it can help to do small steps at a time, so I agree with others that I'd deal with the spoon feeding OR the screens first, rather than trying to do both.

For screens, if books are already a theme maybe start there - no more screens but books are OK. Then you can transition to something like story cubes, telling your own stories, or a story podcast/audio book maybe?

For the spoon feeding since he starts off on his own, it might just be easier to change to a point where you let him decide when he's done and when he's had enough of feeding himself, he could be done.

How is his motor control - do you think it's possible that he might be finding it difficult to handle cutlery once he gets tired and the initial motivation of hunger has worn off?

Two things for this - firstly if he's not particularly motivated by food (one of my DC is like this) then he might do better with more frequent, smaller meals. And if you're worried about him eating more of the "unhealthy" part of the meal, serve less of it or look at the balance of macronutrients (carbs/protein/vegetable) across the week. Remember young children need less protein and more carbs/fats compared to adults, and it's not usually helpful to think about foods in terms of "healthy/unhealthy" because it's normally more about balance. Unless he's having a lot of heavily processed foods or refined sugar, I don't think it's a huge issue if he wants to eat more pasta than brocolli for example.

Second, if his motor skills might be a bit behind, how much screen time/passive entertainment is he getting in general? It might be worth looking at this as a whole over the day/week and considering whether he ought to be spending more time using his hands - playing with playdoh, colouring, lego/duplo, or "big/active" play e.g. climbing, jumping, riding a bike or scooter etc.

if you usually spoon feed him yoghurt buy tube or pouch ones from now on

I'd only say with this - while those things are convenient when you're out and about, eating yoghurt from a spoon is much kinder to teeth and much better for judging own appetite/fullness than sucking it through a straw or pouch.

What happens at nursery?

You need to just stop. Maybe make some changes that are positive for him to transition from feeding him like a baby to being a big boy: take him out to choose a new chair or cushion to sit on, new crockery and cutlery etc. Then reinforce that how he’s a big boy, he needs to feed himself and sit like a big boy at the table without distractions etc. Don’t fuss if he doesn’t eat something and give a reasonable time limit after which plates are cleared etc. Model healthy eating and encourage him to try the foods he’s less keen on. We never insisted on clear plates but pudding wasn’t allowed if they hadn’t at least tried all / most elements of the main meal. Limit snacks so that he’s hungry at mealtimes as that will help with the fussing.

Thank you, some really helpful replies.

@BertieBotts He definitely isn’t very motivated by food. Eating is and has always been a chore for him. His priority is to play. I think he’d rather be hungry if it means he can play.

A good question about motor skills. He’s my first so I don’t have anything to compare with and it’s not something that’s been brought to our attention by nursery but I’d say could be better? I definitely think he gets tired of using his cutlery and that’s when he asks us to help. He doesn’t do much drawing, despite me trying to. He’s not that great with duplo either. Can’t use scissors yet and can’t dress himself apart from pulling trousers up and down to use potty (although he does struggle with this sometimes too). He’s also not great on his scooter yet. I’ll try and focus on this more in the hope that it helps with feeding too. The trouble is, he doesn’t enjoy doing things he’s not very good at so either says no or gives up very quickly 😅

@HerbaceousPerennial I agree, nursery days are a whole different ball game - so much harder! Especially when he doesn’t nap and goes to bed earlier. There’s no time to mess around or give him supper if he doesn’t do well with his meal. Or he’ll be falling asleep whilst eating. I really don’t know what I’ll do on those days if I don’t help him. Especially because he eats so poorly at nursery, I’m not comfortable sending him to bed with no dinner if he doesn’t feed himself.

@MidnightPatrol He doesn’t eat much at nursery as whilst his overall diet is pretty good now, he is still very picky and the menu at his nursery is very adventurous. However, they’ve never raised any concerns around him self feeding and on the days he does like the menu, he can eat it all. So I know the problem isn’t capability, it’s completely environmental. It’s another reason we’ve not changed anything sooner because we chose to just roll with it whilst it was helping other aspects and we knew it wasn’t causing bigger issues at nursery.

We still occasionally spoon feed my 5 yo especially when trying to get breakfast in her before going to school just in order to get her out of the door in time
What we have moved to is spoon-feed 1 or 2 spoons and then telling her it's her time again. It does seem to reignite her interest in the meal and she then generally finishes it. We only do it when she's lost interest quite early in the meal or if we have a tight deadline. I'd look to reduce the need for spoonfeeding so there's less of a habit and save it for when there's a benefit to assistance.

I think I would decide whether you have a bigger problem with TV or the spoon feeding and tackle that first

You need to stop being scared of him being hungry. Limit mealtimes so they’re not so long and boring for you all. Give him more exercise and plenty of water so he’s naturally hungry. Remove the treat items from his meals if that’s all he’s eating. If he is constipated deal with that.

@Superscientist Thanks, that’s a good idea as a way to gradually cut it down on those times where we’re on a time limit/he’s very tired. It’s also reassuring that I’m not the only one still helping their kid with eating.

@TomeTome You’re right that I do get scared of him being hungry. Mainly due to previous weight concerns and he sleeps better when he’s eaten well at dinner. But he never gets served “treat” items at dinner - it’s more that he’ll only eat the potato or rice if left to it, which is what happens at nursery. Whereas when we help, he also gets protein and veg.

I’d serve him just the protein and vegetable then. If he finishes you could say, “goodness you’re hungry today, would you like some rice/bread/potato to fill up with” 😉
The joy of this approach is you are rebranding him as a hungry boy and resetting his view of food, so the carb is the filler after the main event.

I think there are better articles but I love this site for explaining this process - essentially they need to develop the "big" muscles before they can develop the smaller ones for controlling things like cutlery.

https://www.occuplaytional.com/2023/09/10/core-strength-the-power-of-play/

Possibly a silly question but have you been able to ask him WHY he likes to be fed? I only ask this as I myself insisted on being fed until I was 5 or 6 😳but it was because I was a very anxious child and was clingy to my parents (to an extreme!). They just kept on doing it for an easier life but really there was an underlying issue to be addressed.

Equally - by 3, I would imagine that if you just firmly set the boundary he would eat if truly hungry. Even if it takes a week or two to adapt.