Confused about autism traits and how to parent 12 year old son.

[Happyface82]

My 15 year old daughter came up to me today and asked if we have a diagnosis for her younger brother 12 years of age. She said she thinks he is on the spectrum. We haven't told him yet but have discussed with his team (psychologist etc.) to tell him in a few months when he is settled in secondary school. It was a shock the way she asked me. It made me wonder how much more obvious it is to her. It shows so much more when he is around kids rather than adults. It made me wonder how much I'm used to some traits that I almost dont see them any more. I'm not sure how to tell where autism comes in or when he is rude for example. I feel like I'm getting confused sometimes. He is functional. Goes to a mainstream school. But I worry. He has 1 friend. Only 1. I worry what happens if they stop hanging out. He doesn't do parties and doesn't like to be out of the house a lot unless its to travel. He loves traveling. He is super into travelling and music. He often acts like a baby. He is sad a lot. Crys a lot. Has trouble sleeping. Has lots of phantom pains but actually has an incredibly high pain threshold. I have a feeling that secondary school and high-school will be a real challenge. I have a feeling that after graduation he will be happier. He is smart. He will be able to socialise in his own terms. School doesn't allow for that. I worry. I want to be able to help him. I see his sisters frustration. I don't want to tell her before I tell him. But her coming to me like this to ask. I told her we suspect he has it. That he is being evaluated. And we will tell her when we tell him. I worry about him finding out. I dont want him to feel like he is bad different. I guess I'm just confused. Thanks for reading! 🙏

Is he diagnosed? It isn’t entirely clear fron your post.

there is much greater awareness of autism these days, and yes many children/teens are capable of spotting it. If his sister has spotted it then it’s likely others have as well.

in the U.K., it’s generally up to students whether they share knowledge of their diagnoses. It’s quite possible most of his class are assuming he is autistic but doesn’t want to say, while he doesn’t know.

it’s quite likely he is aware that he is “different” in some way. You may find that when you tell him the diagnosis he is relieved as it gives him an explanation for his “difference” and a group that he can access for support and help.

my DD was late diagnosed with adhd and it massively helped her mental health to have what she saw as an explanation.

I understand your worry. However people with autism have autism regardless of whether they tell others or not, and regardless of whether they know or not.

you might be better thinking about how you can support him to develop social skills and move forward from where he is. There is a reasonable amount out there for kids with autism - many voluntary groups such as scouts or guides have groups either specifically for children with additional needs or will support them to be part of a mainstream group and there are activities for children with AN or even specifically autism.

My ds 18 is autistic. He sounds a lot like your ds in the fact that I think his differences really stood out more among his peers than with adults. He had a tricky time at school (mainstream). He has one close friend but that’s all he wants and he’s happy.hes got a job, He’s starting Uni in September and has a lovely girlfriend. I used to worry a lot when he was younger but I don’t nearly as much now.

My daughter’s friend group expanded massively when she got to a larger secondary school. More students meant a bigger population and more wonderfully quirky kids to form her friendship circle.

I didn’t really find that until I got to university, but there is so much more acceptance now. We are allowed to be ourselves without as much criticism.

I always think my autism is very obvious, but plenty of people don’t see it at all. So you don’t need to worry that your son is walking around with a flashing ASD sign above his head or anything. Some people will recognize the traits and some won’t. It’s just not a big deal.

My son is 10 and doesn’t have any friends or any desires to make friends. I am also worried about senior school, the expectation of independence, his peers, the level of work required.
I can’t advise re telling him as our son was diagnosed at 3 and has always known.

I think kids are a lot more savvy these days so it doesn’t surprise me your dd spotted it.

Has he got a diagnosis, I wouldn’t tell him he is anything unless a professional has said it first.

i completely get what you mean about seeing things more clearly when they are around their peers . It’s normal to adapt things at home and get use to it as a way of life.

Thank you!

@Octavia64 we do have a private diagnosis yes. He has been seeing an occupational therapist for years. He is now seeing a psychologist once a week and I go once a month at the same place so we can coordinate and discuss things that arise.

I think he knows he is different. We recently had a conversation about something and I mentioned that "most people like such and such" and he instantly answered that he is not like most people. I also hope it will be a relief when he finds out.

We are in Greece so support here is not as great as in the UK unfortunately.

Thank you again for your answers. I think I'm still processing the diagnosis thinking how much happier he would be if this wasn't the case as he struggles a lot. Then Im thinking we are super lucky as he is very functional.

At age 11 he really deserves to know his diagnosis so he can better understand himself. What does his psychologist suggest? Does his new school know about his diagnosis. You keep mentioning high functioning but there must’ve been a reason you sought diagnosis? Often big transitions like to secondary school can be triggers to a range of symptoms being ramped up.

@indoorplantqueen you are right. There are many things. We seeked help 4 years ago. We thought at the time something medical was wrong with him. After we ruled everything out our paed suggested we have him assessed. At that time it hadn't occurred to me that he is on the spectrum. We got him help. And he is doing much better every year. Still he struggles a lot.

The psychologist didn't want us to tell him earlier as they were trying to help built his confidence. They basically said to us that it will be helpful to tell him when it's going to be beneficial for him. When he realises that he is different. But they wanted to build his confidence first. We are now close to telling him but the psychologist suggested that we let him settle in secondary school first as it will be too much to handle. It's the same school so same kids but secondary obviously is a lot more complicated. Many different teachers, different classrooms. It's all more chaotic. At the moment the plan is to tell him around December when he is settled.

I'm confused about how a child that age could do an ADOS without any discussion of what the assessment(s) were for.

Do not withhold his diagnosis from him any longer. It just gives the impression it's a bad thing and a big deal. It doesn't need to be either.

What interests does he have outside or inside school?

My autistic child seems to pick up other autistic mates hanging round the library.

@Needlenardlenoonot sure what an ADOS is. His diagnosis has come after years of them working with him. He never did an official assessment. We didn't think he will benefit from having the official diagnosis as long as he doesn't need extra support at school. Here in Greece the system is a little different and schools aren't as supportive. So far, any support that we needed from the school we have discussed directly with his teacher or even principal mentioning that he is struggling with things but not mentioning the diagnosis directly.

@Needlenardlenoohe is interests are music and travelling. He has a vinyl collection and loves to go to concerts. Other than that he refuses to take part to any activities out of school. He prefers to stay home as he says and needs time to himself. He always feels like there is not enough time in the day.

Your ds sounds like me when I was at school. I struggled massively though school as I’m coming into my 50’s now and no one really bothered you were weird in those days and that was that. Still didn’t realise it was a neurodivergence until this year when my dd last yr of high school fell apart. When we had meetings with specialists and after talking to me they asked me to be assessed and now have given me a initial diagnosis of Audhd it’s been an eye opener and even at my stage in life I’m grateful for some answers and also I’m forgiving myself and being a bit gentler for the past . So my dd has Audhd and my ds adhd so we are really trying to work it all out. Sorry to ramble but what I’m saying is life’s been tough for me and trying to accept and work it through now has come from almost breaking completely. Not noticing it in my children is because to me a lot of it was “normal feelings, thoughts and behaviours . My DD is doing so well and she was in a scarily bad place but the support and acceptance she has is working wonders. I’m jealous I didn’t get that earlier in life . I’m so grateful they my children will. We have lost a few family and friends in the process. Which is odd. My advice would be now you know accept all the differences in him and help him to understand them , these things are genetic so maybe you’re also a little neuro spicy. There are loads of books and podcasts and they do help . Knowing inside you’re different feels less weird when you learn other people also have your kind of weird . Hope that helps . I’m still getting to grips with it all. Good luck OP

Sounds like he will find his people at vintage record shops and fairs.

ADOS is the autism assessment.

I have zero experience of the Greek educational system, but just because there's a lot of discussion of neurodiversity on UK based fora, don't assume that means our schools are helpful or teachers clued up! I don't really like the "don't ask, don't tell" approach to differences personally as kids can tell when you're keeping something from them.

Your context might be different to the UK. Does he understand autism as a concept? And how it looks? That might be where to start. That highly successful people have been autistic. What it can be like to experience.
I get exactly what you mean by rude. That is very likely the asd since social rules are hard to grasp. It will develop but differently.
This is such a familiar story. X