Sibling bond

[Tossingturning]

I have 2 sons (currently 6 months and 3yo.)

Really would love to encourage a close bond.

Is it luck? Is it something I can influence through parenting?

Any thoughts or advice or experience really welcome.

A huge factor will be them, their personalities, their nature, their likes and dislikes. Just as with partners, friends, colleagues, some people you meet you just click with, some you get on fine with when you need to, some people just repel. It’s the same with siblings. Biology and shared DNA can be an advantage or disadvantage.

But I do think parenting can play a part too. Teaching them how to form and maintain good relationships, how to have patience, tolerance, how to respect others, how to understand, appreciate and respect other people’s needs and differences.

Raise them as equal people so there is never a need for rivalry or resentment. And by that I don’t just mean the same number of gifts or the same amount of financial support at college. Consider them equal people irrespective of being siblings.

I have the same age gap but two DDs.

Something that was very cute at this age was having DC1 on a buggy board with DC2 in the buggy rear facing. So they travelled facing each other and DC1 would entertain DC2.

I can’t say it led to a long term bond though! As PP says that’s dependent on personality and interests.

Mine go through phases - they get along well for a bit and then one of them changes and the gap seems to grow, then shrink again. They squabble a LOT but nonetheless gravitate together.

I have no idea what I’m talking about, no experience at all but these are my thoughts:

siblings are like colleagues, they didn’t choose to be in each others lives, some may clash, some may love each other and some may tolerate each other. I think you can teach respect and kindness but you can’t force them to have a special bond or even like each other, therefore I’m saying it’s luck.

Never compare
encourage them to always look out for each other
praisenthen when they are good and kind to each other
Explain to them how lucky they are to have each other and that they should cherish each other
never talk about one kid to another

I mean these things shouldn’t obvious
but you see people playing favourites all the time

My DDs were super close until eldest turned 12 and decided she hated her sister. Cue about 8 years of arguments! They are now 25/23 and eldest moved out two years ago, tgey get on ok. Probably message a few times a week and see each other every month or so usually with us but they will occasionally meet up just them., They still argue but not as bad thankfully.
They remember nothing of being best pals when they were little.

I'm sure a lot of it is luck, and some people do all these things brilliantly and siblings still clash, but I think it's important to:

• Give each child sufficient time to talk and be heard. Resentment can come from perceived favouritism. If one child is getting more attention for a period of time, I would try to explain that.
• Celebrate each child's successes equally. It often helps if they have different interests and successes, so you can praise things they aren't in competition for. This isn't always easy. It might be encouraging the sibling who finds things harder to explore other hobbies
• Model how to talk to each other to resolve conflict, including how to see someone else's point of view. We try to not get involved in all the squabbles, but when needed I try to understand and listen to both of them (not easy!) and encourage them to resolve it by focusing on the relationship more than the direct issue e.g. 'I know you both want to play your game idea and are frustrated the other one isn't listening. How can we resolve this?' Or 'he is upset you won't play with him, because he had such fun playing with you. I understand you are fed up of the game so you don't have to carry on, but can you see his perspective?'

I think it also comes down to:

• How similar siblings are - too different or too similar can be harder
• Personality types - are they naturally competitive?
• Needs and abilities - a mismatch can be trickier e.g. one sibling who finds everything easy and one who has to work at it

My sons have a 10 year age gap and were almost like only children for large chunks of their childhood however they are very close (now adults). I think it’s partly because of the age gap (youngest idolised big brother and still does to a degree), partly because of their personalities but also because of parenting. I have always encouraged a relationship and always stressed the importance of having a sibling. I think the biggest things have been treating them both equally, never speaking about one to the other and when they were younger facilitating their needs so neither felt left out or treated unfavourable.

Treat them fairly but that doesn't mean treat them the same. Let them do age appropriate activities even when the other can't. Don't sign up the eldest for 5 different hobbies and not have any time fir the younger one to do any. Remember they are individuals not a pair .

Don't make everything a competition. They will spend their lives trying to constantly one up each other. And never compare. Ever.

Mine are 10 and 8. They get on very well and choose to spend a lot of time together. They are very different in terms of hobbies and interests so we spend a lot of time at weekends separate (one parent per child) but think that helps them have space. My daughter (10) will tell everyone her brother is her favourite person, more than us parents. They both have their own room but often choose to share.

Such a good question @Tossingturning . I have the same age gap between my two and we were discussing this the other day. They are 26 and 23 now!

They were so close when they were little. We are a family of gigglers and that is literally what they did all the time when they were little, almost to the point of it being too much. They just found so much that was funny. Other than the shared humour, they are like chalk and cheese and have nothing much else in common, so it definitely wasn't shared interests. The two of them were the best of companions until DD, who is youngest, became a teenager. She then went through the "embarrassing" stage, where everything in her life was embarrassing including her older brother. DS was a bit hurt by her rejection and they cooled off a bit for a good few years, atlhough they never fell out. By the time DD was late teens again, they refound their shared hilarity and now they are close and daft again. Listening to the two of them wet themselves laughing over some small weird life observation is one of my greatest pleasures in life.

As to how you can encourage or foster it, I honestly don't know. We were just daft together and I definitely let them be themselves and shared in the giggles. I always thought of us as a little team who had each other's backs no matter what. Maybe it is just good luck.