Single Father - Daughters Period Advice

[MrDGUK]

Good evening everyone,

I’m reaching out in the hope that someone in this wonderful community can offer some guidance. As a single father with no contact with my daughter’s mother, I’ve recently found myself at a very sensitive time in my daughter’s life... the onset of her periods.

My daughter, who is almost 13, is a bright, outgoing girl, and we share a fantastic relationship. However, she tends to shut down whenever I try to discuss anything related to this part of growing up.

About a year ago, I took the step of placing some feminine products in her bathroom drawer, hoping that her mother would have that conversation with her. I thought that, if needed, she would recoginise the products and use them on her own, without having to speak with me if she felt uncomfortable.

Recently, while on a camping trip, I noticed a pair of her pajamas, tightly rolled up and stained with blood when unpacking the clothing to wash. It was a moment that made me realise she may be experiencing her first period, and it left me feeling unsure about how best to support her.

Recently, while shopping for sun cream ahead of a family holiday, I gently asked if she would like to pick out any feminine hygiene products to take with us. She immediately became embarrassed and suggested she wouldn’t need anything like that for “a few years” because her mother “started late.” I didn’t want to bring up the stained pajamas, so I let the moment pass, but I couldn’t help feeling terrible for once again making her uncomfortable.

As we get ready for our holiday, I want to ensure she’s prepared in case her period starts while we’re away, but I’m at a bit of a loss when it comes to choosing the right products for her. The hygiene aisle at the store is daunting to me (so many options), and I’ve noticed the products I put in her bathroom drawer haven’t been touched. My daughter is 5ft 4, weighs about 60kg, and will be engaging in typical holiday activities like meals, swimming, and other active pursuits.

I plan to pack a bag with spare clothing and underwear for her, but I’d really appreciate any advice from experienced mums on what products are best suited for a girl her age and size.

Thank you so much for your help!

Judging by her age, im assuming she would have had period education at school. Pads are easy to use for first periods but can’t be used for swimming. Modibody sells period swimwear (and period pants I believe) for teenage girls. It’s hard to know what size would be best suited for her since flows can vary so I would get a few sizes, and tampons if she’s comfortable? I understand her being embarrassed - I didn’t tell my mum until after a good few periods! Maybe wait until she comes to you about it but if it’s becoming an issue she can’t manage herself i would find a good time to talk about it.

Or if talking feels too awkward, write her a letter/card so she knows you want to support her and she can come to you when she’s ready, or suggest an aunt or grandma if there is someone else in her life she might go to?

I can get why she might be uncomfortable talking to you about this, is there a female friend or relative who could speak with her?
My step daughter started her period when she was staying with me and DH and also leaked and tried to shove her bedroom sheet behind her bed. I just let her know it’s nothing to be embarrassed about, it happens and I said in future to just let me know and I’ll sort it or stick it in the machine and I’ll know she’s leaked and wash it.
I also have a drawer in the bathroom that I keep stocked with tampax and pads.
My step daughter is 15 now so isn’t embarrassed to talk about periods anymore. On holiday she either uses tampax or there is a tablet you can buy that will delay your period.

Period pants has been a game changer in our house. My daughter wears them most of the time as they're super comfy. Definitely something to consider

I would buy her

Thr period book: everything you don't want to ask ( but need to know)I would put do her a little gift box including the box, some different feminine hygiene products, a lip gloss, some hair bobbles, some treats ( chocolate).

I'd add a note..

You are getting older and will start your period soon. I know that it might be an embarrassing thing to talk about with your dad. I want you to know I'm always here to chat about anything you want to discuss. If you dont feel comfortable to talk you can always send me a text. I'm so proud of you and the young lady you have become.

As awkward as it might feel, bring it up with her in discussion or if she would prefer then write a note / send message just explaining you want to make sure you are supporting her and reminding her you are there for her.
Make sure she knows how you use whatever period product she wants to use - if using tampons there can be some helpful info in the box / YouTube videos (nothing explicit don’t worry!) if she feels more comfortable if she isn’t sure what to do.
Make sure with tampons she is aware to use lowest size for her flow and to change within the guidelines it says in the box (to reduce risk of Toxic Shock Syndrome) - rare but serious risk.
Is there an Aunt/friend’s mum/grandma who she might feel comfortable to talk to if not you, perhaps gently remind her they are there as well.
Lil-lets do a teen range of products which she might find good (also come in teen friendly packaging) but otherwise it is a bit trial and error as to what she prefers to use so try the different options out there (sanitary towels, tampons, period underwear/swimwear, menstrual cups, etc). depending on what she wants.
You can get period underwear and swimwear (you bleed and the underwear or swimwear absorbs the period blood so you don’t have to wear something else). Definitely worth considering or getting her some to try. Just make sure you are going by the care and washing instructions so they aren’t damaged (rinse through with cold water first until water runs clear and wash on coolish setting with no fabric conditioner predominately). They do come in different absorbencies so make sure you double check.
All the products generally come in different sizes etc or absorbencies - for sanitary towels you’re probably going to want to get some normal with wings (the bits around the edges that stick around the side of underwear) and then some night pads and just see how she gets on. You can use night pads during day if she prefers. A few I like are Bodyform normal with wings and night or Always Platinum normal size 1 with wings and night but each to their own and supermarket own ones often are pretty decent and cheaper. Ask her as she may already have a particular one she uses. Tampons also come with an applicator and without. I would advise with an applicator to start with generally in my experience easier but again it is a bit trial and error as to which specific one if she uses them that prefers.
Make sure you have got pain relief / hot water bottle or heat bag type thing you can put in microwave. Check with school as to their policy for if she needs any pain relief during the day.
Make a plan with her of how she would prefer to manage any leaks / stained bedding / underwear etc. Does she want to just put it in machine and you will know it needs sorting and do it, does she want to put a load on herself - also reassure her it is completely normal and not an issue at all.
Make a plan with her of restocking on period supplies - does she want to message you / leave a note and let you know, does she want you to keep an eye on bathroom drawer/cupboard and just top it up/you provide her with the money and she might prefer to choose her own products and do this herself?
Encourage her to have some period supplies in school bag / handbag/bag for any activities she might do after school etc at all times - keep some in your car as well.
Discuss with her what she can do if at school / out in public and she leaks or needs period product etc - tie a jumper/cardigan around her waist, ask a friend or member of staff, at school she could ask friend/teacher/ go to school office or first aid room/nurses room etc. just to reassure her of options if she needs and is caught out at any point.
She might want to download a period tracker app - this can helpful to know when she might expect her period and to be able to know what is happening with her periods which can be an indicator of general health.
Periods to start with can be a little bit unpredictable and might take a little while to settle so might not be every month (or approximately). If you or she have any concerns speak with your doctor.
Above all just let her know that she might be shy about it, but that it’s completely natural and normal, nothing to be embarrassed about, you are always there and she can always come to you if she has any questions or needs anything (anything you don’t know you will find out!) and make sure you’ve got the practicalities covered so she has got any products she needs and you will be good.

If buying pads get them with wings - they really stop side leakage.

Get her period pants (M&S do cheaper ones to try as a starter) she will need two pairs a day minimum depending on flow- and pads which she can double up with the period pants if she wants). A period swimsuit is also a good idea. I would just tell her you have got her these things and please feel she can talk to you about any of it but if you have a gf emale friend or can ask the mum of a friend to talk to her that may be easier initially. My DD didn't want me to tell her dad when she started. She was just embarrassed even though I tried to create an environment where she didn't need to be.

Also stock up on painkillers. Nurofen is better than paracetamol for periods.

And yes to the period tracker app on her phone. If you check her phone you can also check this as a way of seeing how she is getting on if she doesn't want to talk about it. Periods in the first year can be brutal and all over the place and she may be worried about non stop/ heavy bleeding or bleeding every few weeks etc until they settle. She may faint, or feel nauseous or she could luck out and be completely fine. It's different for everyone.

I think you are making too big a deal of it. You dont need to ask her or use flowery language. The tampons aisle is no more intimidating than the loo roll aisle. They are variations on the same theme.

She clearly doesn't want to discuss it with you. My daughter barely discussed it with me. She was just very practical about it and I just make sure there's a selection of products available in the bathroom for anyone that needs them.
Basic selection would be regular towels, super towels, and regular or lite tampons. And make sure there's a bin and some bags available.
Even better would be tell her she's in charge of her own toiletries and give her a budget for it

Plenty of wonderful advice, so I'll share something so you hopefully don't feel alone.

My youngest started just before her 14th birthday a few months ago and despite knowing a lot about it through school, me and friends, has been very awkward about it and spent the first two months hiding used period pants/ stained pants, and being a bit extra about anyone coming into her room. Her behaviour and personality has changed a bit as well and she's now not into hugs.

Sometimes it can be a shock actually experiencing periods despite all the information we learn. I was the same with pregnancy, having a lot of information about it, and birth etc - it was a sensory nightmare and there's so much that words in a book can't say.

I might be going against the grain but I would insist on the chat. I say this because one of my DDs needed quite robust guidance on managing menstrual hygiene. The other one has been really good but it’s a lottery.
dd1 needed to be told (nicely) that she needed to shower more often on her period and carry spare pants and pads and not expect period underwear to last 24 hours! I also retire period underwear if it looks tatty and buy a new batch.
since I do the laundry I know if she’s bled through and I will revisit the issue again with her. I check regularly her san pro supples and remind her she needs them in her school bag. She needs the super heavy duty pads at night too.

another reason you need to really have the talk is that for some girls periods are really awful. Dd2 has ended up with prescription pain killers for hers because it would be so bad she needed a week off school. This is resolving with the meds though.

op you sound like a brilliant dad and I wish you the best