I've been with my partner for 3 years. I have an 8-year-old daughter, who I have full custody of due to domestic abuse from my ex-husband, and my partner has a 10-year-old daughter, who lives with him part-time (5 nights in a 14-day period). I’m currently pregnant, and we’re planning to move in together soon.
Every summer, I go to Cyprus for a month to spend time with my mother, who lives there. I only see her 2–3 times a year for about 5–6 weeks total, so the time is precious to me — especially for my daughter, who adores her grandmother.
Since being with my partner, he’s joined us in Cyprus for about 10 days each year, bringing his daughter so we can have a family holiday together. We stay at my mum’s house, but during summer there's not enough room for everyone (my sister and nephew also stay), so my partner books a hotel when his daughter is also with him. We usually get a family room with a bunk bed so my daughter and I can spend a night or two there too, to have some time together as a family.
This year, the trip has left me feeling upset and hurt, and I need to know — am I being unreasonable?
His daughter was only in Cyprus for 6 nights, so the hotel wax booked for 6 nights in total. My partners daughter had already stayed at a hotel earlier this summer with her Mum during their holiday in Athens and upon her returning she has another hotel stay planned afterward in Croatia. The first hotel night, the bunk wasn’t made, so she slept in the main bed. The second night, she stayed at my mum’s so my partner and I could have a night alone at the hotel.
That left 4 nights of bunk bed use. When my daughter and I joined them on night 4, my daughter asked to sleep on the top bunk. My partner said it wasn’t fair — that since his daughter should have all 4 nights on the top bunk. I suggested they take turns, which i thought seemed completely fair. He refused and said his daughter should get to decide, and that if she didn’t want to share the top bunk, then that’s what goes.
I found this incredibly unfair. What kind of message does that send to both children? That one child gets to call the shots and the other has no say? He even tried to justify it by saying his daughter wouldn’t be able to sit up on the bottom bunk (we checked she could). Neverthelesd he said “It’s her choice.”
At that point, I told my daughter we’d just go back to my mum’s in the evening. My daughter, trying to make peace, said she’d sleep on the bottom bunk. I said no — it wasn’t about the bed anymore, it was about fairness. Then his daughter, clearly wanting us to stay, so she said she’d take the bottom bunk instead but she still thought it was unfair. I gave in, but I felt so hurt. It’s not the first time he’s acted this way espically on holiday. Other examples include: My mum only gets one day off a week (Sunday), and she wanted us all to go to the mountains as a family — beautiful food, forest adventure activities for the kids, something everyone could enjoy. But his daughter wanted to go to the waterpark. My partner expected us to leave my mum behind on her one day off so we could go to the waterpark instead. There were even occasions when dinner choice were based on what his daughter wants to eat. He’ll ask her what she wants, then expect the whole group to go along with that.
When I told him that I was upset and felt he hadn’t handled the bunk bed situation fairly, he said that this was his and his daughter’s holiday and that my daughter and I were “just guests.” I found that incredibly hurtful. I thought we were holidaying together. I thought this was our holiday, i didnt feel we were guests. We are suppose to be partners. That means shared adult decision-making.We are about to move in together and raise a baby — how can I be considered a “guest” in his life? What message does that send to my daughter, who is already coming from a background of trauma? I understand he carries a lot of guilt about not being with his daughter full time. But I’ve also carried so much trauma from my past, and I am working so hard to give my daughter a healthy, balanced life.
So I’m asking-Was he wrong to let his daughter have the final say on the bunk bed? Was I unreasonable to expect the children to share it equally? Is it fair for him to call it “his” and “his daughter’s” holiday when we are supposed to be a family? Am I overreacting?