new 23yo single dad - advice needed?

[LarrySpahic]

hey everyone i'm a 23 year old dad from bristol and life has thrown me a curveball i'm now the full-time carer for my two month old baby boy my ex partner was hospitalised with serious mental health issues a few weeks ago and she won't be able to look after our son for a long time maybe months or more

i never imagined i'd be doing this alone and mentally it's screwing with me i'm managing the practical stuff okay like feeding him changing nappies and getting him to sleep but inside my head it's a mess the weight of being his only parent right now hits me hard especially at night when it's just me and him and my thoughts won't shut up

i'd love to connect with other single parents who get what this is like or find some local groups in bristol to meet people going through similar stuff if anyone knows of charities organizations or even online communities that could offer support or advice just as i’m really lost in all this and clueless about this whole being a parent thing!

please share i'm desperate for any kind of guidance or just someone to chat with thanks for reading this means a lot

I was older than you, but was a new single mum with no family support at all (and an aggressive ex which didn't help).

You just have to take each day at a time. Congratulate yourself on the successes and write down those things that are less than successful, to experience.

Soon your little one will start interacting with you. I drew a lot of strength from my ds. Each milestone made me feel like I was getting it right and built a bit more confidence.

Talk to your GP or health visitor. They will be able to point you to groups in your area. You've got mumsnet. You could try Gingerbread too. They offer advice on benefits etc. Also meet up groups.

thanks so much for the comment!
i’m on gingerbread but it seems to be pretty inactive, i made a post there but no responses just yet!

i think the health visitor will be a good idea though as a reference point so thank you! i managed to get one assigned to us who will see us on Monday!

Do you have family or friends close by? Lean on them, be open and honest about how you’re doing and take their help.

Look at things in blocks of 24 hours. Try not to worry about things past that just focus on your next 24 hours and what you can do to get through it, keep yourself mentally healthy and taking care of your baby.

Get in touch with the health visitor.

Search Facebook for new parent baby groups and local support groups.

I'm not local to you but you do sound like a caring hands on parent. Those feelings are very normal and valid. It's hard having a baby with a second parents help let alone without. Do you have any other wider family support? Congratulate yourself on all the small wins. Ask for help when you need it and some of the best advice I was ever given on here was if your baby is unsettled and you've tried everything - put them in the bath. Water seems to help regulate them (especially as they get older!). Do you have a health visitor? They can point you in the direction of baby playgroups. It seems pointless when they're not sitting up but honestly it is so worth it for the socialisation and other parents to help. I took all 3 of mine from 6 weeks. My 15mo old is very confident now with all the parents and other children. I can leave my newborn with pretty much anyone in the group for a cuddle whilst I have 1-1 playtime with my 15mo.

Do you have any family yourself? If so ask for help could someone come stay for a bit to help out.

I would have a look round for baby and toddler groups. There was one near me for £1.50 with teas and coffees, and a place for people to get advice and make friends. Your baby is a bit young to get anything out of it, but you will connect with other parents, which will help enormously.

Homestart might be another charity to try. They can sometimes give you a volunteer for a couple of hours a week.

I think taking one day at a time sounds like a good plan.

Have a look for local groups in your area too like playgroups although most will only resume in September. It can take a while to find one where you feel comfortable but they do give you the opportunity to meet some other local parents and have a bit of adult conversation.

Sounds like you’re doing well in what must be a very difficult situation

If active ( i googled) this looks like a great resource for you. It's run through Homestart for dads.

https://dadmatters.org.uk/bristol/

I'm not a single parent.
But I would agree with take each day as it comes, and remember 'this will pass' if things get stressful/frustrating
Do contact health visitors, they might be be crap but my ones have been great and even ram some baby groups and there I saw them supporting a mix of dads and very young mums.
Also look at library's? They often do baby groups.
Try out as many group as you can and make sure you get out of the house together every day.
Are social services involved? A social worker should be able to offer support as well?

Hello check this out!
https://dadmatters.org.uk/information-for-dads-in-bristol/

edit: just seen someone else has posted this. Check this out and speak to HV. Also have you asked the key worker or care coordinator for your baby’s mum for any advice? They may have information.

Most areas have Children's Centres, where there's baby/toddler groups, baby can be weighed and staff on hand for advice. Homestart is also good, as a volunteer can help you out. Lean on family, if you have any close by. Definitely speak to your Health Visitor, as they can signpost you to different support groups. Take each day as it comes. Make sure you look after yourself - that means eating regularly and getting outside, even if it's a walk with baby in the pram.

Look up NCT Bristol.

My local NCT group organises things like coffee / baby groups, or walk and talk pram walks. They’re all great ways to have a chat to other parents.

That worrying about your child is normal.

Parenting feels like one big guilt trip at times where you’re always questioning yourself and what you did and don’t do.

The trick is managing not to let this overwhelm you.

Agree about speaking to HV. Do you have a local library? They also usually do some groups and/or local leisure centre do.

Have you got practical things sorted? Like work, any benefits and CB you’re entitled to sorted? Have you looked into things like statutory emergency leave, parental leave etc?

I also agree about asking for a social worker. You and baby and your ex partner will all need support and a plan for when she is well enough to be back into the community. You need to be prepared for always being the primary carer and her having the baby and then child for short periods - depending on what the future outlook is for her MH.

It’s doable. I raised ds alone abroad for a period of time without any support and it’s very difficult. I look back now and wonder how I did it I did. You will too.

and the biggest advice I give all parents is remember your baby hasn’t read the parenting manuals! You need to trust and follow your instincts as his dad and not only shut out the nosies in your head questioning yourself but occasionally the external nosies all telling you how to be a parent. As long as you aren’t putting him at risk - right now - you are the person who will know him best.

As others have said, accept all the support you can get from family and friends and take each day as it comes.

I don’t know the Bristol area unfortunately but when my children were babies, the local church run toddler groups were a Godsend! Your health visitor will know where they are and which days they take place. They’re a great place to chat to other parents.

I always found the days much easier if we got out of the house. Sometimes I put the baby in the buggy and spent hours walking to the furthest away supermarket to buy items for dinner that day just to be out and about in the fresh air.

I hope your partner recovers well and I truly wish you all the very best!

I'm a lone parent, but not in Bristol. A lot of family hubs run baby groups and many places now offer dad only sessions on certain days of the week if you feel they would be more beneficial to your circumstances. Also don't be afraid to reach out to the health visitor or GP if you need some support for the overwhelm you may be feeling right now. It will get easier.

You're doing well to take on this responsibility and are meeting your baby's main needs which is a really positive start. Don't forget to also look after your own wellbeing too. If you want someone to talk to or advice, feel free to drop me a PM. Do you have any support around you, like family or friends who could help aswell?

Local libraries often have a "dads and lads" session for dads/grandads and little ones. They're often on a Saturday so that may help break the weekend up a bit.

Otherwise, there will likely be lots of affordable (£2 donation for tea and coffee type cost) groups around, is there a local Facebook group for your area you could ask on? At this stage, getting out and mixing with others is for your benefit rather than your baby's. Meet other parents, even if they're mum's, talk with them, there's a lot of strength to be found from others who are at the same stage in their parenting journey - sleepless nights and all the other worries a young baby comes with!

But most of all, know that you are doing a great job. Reach out for support when you need it. Before you need it. Mindline Bristol are available in the evenings if you want to talk to someone anonymously and confidentially

Though I wasn't a single parent my husband was at 23 as well. He found it very lonely as his friends were still out partying and didn't understand what to do.
He says to say that firstly ask for help from anyone you can to have a break. Be specific about help. Could they have the baby for a couple of hours or babysit. Be brave and go to baby groups, hard as mainly women, but he gets on well with women so made a friend. Lastly know that you will have an amazing bond with child, almost certainly more than parents that go back to work straight away. His baby is now 30 and theh are so close. Good luck. You are doing brilliantly

I’d definitely recommend having a community and a plan for each day. I always felt better when I got out of the house, even just for a walk with DC.
Maybe ask your HV for recommendations of a post-natal group with people who have similar age children?

Don’t forget too that MN is always open so just ask anything.

My DH wasn’t a single parent, but he did take SPL as I went back to work at 3 months and he had 9 months off. He found a lot of the baby groups tough going as they were very mum centred and a lot of mums had their own friends.
he loved the little gym (starts at 3-4months), our one used to only have 4 kids in the class and there was another dad! I don’t think it was as popular as baby sensory when mums were on mat leave. He also did swimming (on his own) and the library free classes.
It’s really hard being on leave looking after a baby, it’s lonely and you get very little back from the baby until they are 6+ months really. I think having seen DH going through it, it’s harder as a man as a lot of the mum’s didn’t want to socialise with him.
He tried a couple of the dad groups, but where we are, they all met on a Saturday (which he didnt need as he had his own friends off work on a Saturday to see).
DH works part-time now and has found a routine of what he does with DS, he still goes to the gym classes and has a couple of mum friends he meets up with once a month that he met at the library. I’m sure you will be great, hang in there, and don’t worry if finding your crowd takes time.