Helping only child play nicely with others?

[Lavender14]

Ds is an only child and will be 3 in a few months. He's in nursery full time as I work full time and we do playdates with friends and their kids.

Nursery have expressed concern that he's hitting and on the rare occasion biting other children. He started biting after coming home from nursery with bite marks on him that the staff hadn't witnessed happen but pushing/ hitting was an ongoing issue but seems to have increased the last few months especially.

I work on this a lot at home, I prepare him for nursery every day on the way in talking about how we can be a kind friend etc and he's had no incidents in about 3 weeks but today I was pulled in to speak to them at pick up and they advised it had been happening on and off all day and they wanted to talk about consequences and how we're both managing this. I had previously spoken to staff about this when it first became an issue as I was keen to nip it in the bud and have been consistently trying to reinforce what they've been saying to him in nursery. But the issue is when he's with me, he's very well behaved and wouldn't kick or hit except if he's very overtired at bedtime sometimes and he's only bit me twice which he got a very clear telling off for.

The issue they're having, which I'm also having is he giggles when he's being told off and it doesn't feel like any of it is really landing? And at age 2, I'm not sure what else is totally appropriate other than a very firm and simple telling off and being directed to what he can do instead if he feels xyz. It doesn't sound like the behaviour is out of frustration in nursery, it sounds like it's quite random from what staff are describing but they're also often seeing the aftermath rather than what actually happened and the lead up if that makes sense.

We have a good routine, I'm consistent in boundaries etc and we've never ever had an issue on a playdate he's always played really nicely with other kids we're hanging out with or at the park so I guess the problem is I'm not personally witnessing very much of this behaviour to address it?

I try to play with him a lot to fill the gap of no sibling to play with, we take turns, we share, he doesn't always win at things and when I say something I follow it through. So I'm a bit stuck now.

Any advice/ideas please? I really want him to get on well with his friends and he's big for his age so I really don't want him hurting another child either.

No real advice but my DD is 2.5 and the same especially with her older brother. Loves to bite and pull hair. Laughs when told off. Absolute little sod that is totally different to my very chilled DS. So don’t worry about the sibling aspect, some kids are just biters. Try and remember that he’s only 2 and nearly everything is a phase.

However, nursery are being completely useless because they need to actually look at what happens before the biting or hitting occurs so you know what’s triggering it. DD will bite when over-excited, overtired but mainly over toys that she considers hers and she will not share unless on her terms.

It’s a phase. Loads of children go through it. It will pass

It’s probably a phase and quite common. It’s not unique to only children.

I would personally suggest that you don’t have to try to “fill the gap” of no sibling. I don’t play a lot with my son. We do lots of things together but I don’t particularly play with him. I think that can often swing the other way in creating behaviours, and it’s good for kids to learn how to amuse themselves. Some only children have their parents running daft after them and then it actually has the opposite effect: they can’t cope playing with other children because playing with children is more complicated and messy. They have to figure it out themselves. Adults can’t replicate that.

I’d step back a bit more at home and leave him to figure out how to play by himself, and try not to jump in too much at play dates if you find yourself doing that. That might be why he’s resorting to biting at nursery because you’re not there sorting his problems for him. Let kids try to figure it out themselves and step in when you need to. Sometimes when we pause for a minute, they figure it out themselves.

Brilliant advice.

He's probably very used to 'taking turns' and everything being fair and calm. Kids don't play like that and it's how they socialise each other.

Absolutely agree that you should step back at home and at play dates - only intervening at the point of injury! A blind eye and a deaf ear as they say.

Reading this has just made me realise why my friends only child DS behaves /reacts the way he does with other children. It all makes sense now!

None of that has anything to do with him being an only child.

You are doing the right thing by talking about good friends and by playing with him realistically. It is likely a phase that will pass, but nursery need to do more to find out what is happening right before the bites or hits occur. Closer observation to identify any patterns or triggers should be the first thing they do, because without that, you’re basically aiming in the dark when trying to support him effectively.

Thanks all, really appreciate hearing it's normal and just a phase lots of you have been through.

@yourethebeerthief that's a really interesting perspective. When we're on playdates I never really have to direct him very much. He knows to share and does it off his own bat, I've never seen him go to hit or anything and it's great because I can just sit with a cuppa with my friend chatting while he plays away with whatever child/ren we're with. I'm guessing he's getting over stimulated in nursery and it seems to be happening when they're having lots of free play outside or in a big hall and I think he just gets over boisterous and doesn't know where to put that. He plays really hard in everything he does and definitely enjoys a physical outlet for his energy. I've suggested this is the case to the nursery but I don't feel like they've really done anything with it and it's difficult because that's quite a specific situation which I can't replicate easily at home to reinforce the messages.

When I say I play a lot with him, we go out and do things together a lot/ read/ we'll do jobs around the house together but then sometimes we'll do something like playdoh or puzzles or little games together, he's quite happy playing with his toys by himself and he can entertain himself. But you're right in that it's definitely quite chill compared to time at nursery.

Just to clarify, I don't think he's doing this BECAUSE he's an only child - moreso that I'm not seeing him being rough with a sibling in order to pull him on it and reinforce the messages he's getting in nursery so I'm wondering how best to support them with that in such a different context.

How big is the nursery? My son goes to a small village nursery of 10 children so it’s very quiet and peaceful. Does the nursery do plenty of outdoor time? Mine wouldn’t cope without most of the day spent outside.

Most nurseries and primary schools are big and it’s just one of those things that he’ll have to learn how to rub along with lots of other children. He’ll get through the phase with you continuing to show him that this is not how we behave.

Did a new kid that bites happen to start nursery around the same time as that might have been what started all of this off. What are HER parents doing to sort this….

Personally I have never found "telling off" to be very effective. My daughter tends to just laugh and get worse 😒

What I find more effective is either taking her away from a situation getting her to take deep breaths and explaining what needs to change, or, if it's more serious, explaining calmly but firmly what she's done wrong and then imposing a consequence (e.g. no TV).

(Obviously keeping a calm voice is not always easy/possible!)

But as others have said, the whole biting hitting thing is pretty common at that age, so I wouldn't worry too much.

(NB I'm not suggesting that you impose consequences for something that he's done at nursery)

So he's in the process of moving between rooms, there's 12 in the room he's currently in and 22 in the bigger room he'll be moving to but that's who he's playing with in the hall and then he's coming back hyped up from that and going into the smaller younger room again. He'll be in the bigger room permanently next month. I do think he's outgrown the room he's in but he dropped his nap really young so he's been playing in that bigger group at naptime since he started a year ago so that's not new to him if that makes sense. I think it's likely that he's just keeping up with the bigger kids more now and then wants to keep running at that pace when he's back in a quieter room. I've also suggested they maybe stop him before moving him back in and giving him his water bottle for a drink or similar to try and help him pause a bit more before he moves back into the smaller room.

There's not a lot of nurseries near where we live and they're very oversubscribed (long waiting lists) so I think this is pretty average numbers wise from the research I did when we moved here a year ago.

@RentalWoesNotFun yes he was coming back with bite marks the staff didn't know how he'd got when I was asking them about it. He's quite robust and if he falls or hurts himself he's usually pretty good at dusting himself off and getting on with it so it is quite possible that he's not alerted them to it. He would only cry or get upset if he's really hurt himself especially if he's enjoying what he's doing. So I don't really know what other parents are doing as that information isn't shared and they're still too little to be reliable storytellers in terms of who did what.