Stopping ex from randomly collecting child from nursery

[CharTT33]

My ex partner and I are not getting on I have parental responsibility and so does he. We have one son he’s aggressive, and is constantly threatening to stop paying our privately agreed child maintenance and wants to take our son when he sees fit even if it’s once every four weeks which is not consistentfor our son. Can I ask the Nursery which my son will be going to in September, to not allow his dad to collect him from there? I feel that he’s going to take him when it suits him and not when it’s convenient for our son.

Do you have formally agreed access arrangements?

If not, then no.

I was in a similarish predicament, I couldn't have stopped it because ex has PR, however I didn't put him on any of the paperwork or list of approved people to pick up so they would have called me had he tried.

Yes, of course you can tell the nursery who can and can’t pick your child up! DD’s preschool had a list of adults approved to pick each child up. They requested a photo of ex-H so they knew exactly who he was if he ever turned up to try and get DD (he didn’t have custody)

If ex has PR and there's no court order against him collecting then this is bad advice

This^, Schools and nurseries won't get involved unless the parent doesn't have PR or their is a court order stopping him.

Yes he does have PR. Thank you for the info guys x

You need to address this at some point so do it now. I know this feels difficult because he is difficult but right now he could collect him and not return your child to you because there is no court order stipulating where the child lives and what access arrangements there are. The police would not be able to do anything. You see it on here all the time.

More knowledgeable people can help either on here or post in legal but you need to get the courts to issue paperwork about access. Stop worrying about the threat of him not paying you and tell him you will go through CMS if he stops. He is trying to control and hurt you because you are no longer together and this is his way of doing it.

The OP wants to do exactly what she's worried about her ex doing - keeping the child away from her. Children are not property, they have 2 parents and even the threat or actual carrying out if non payment of support is not a reason to stop a child seeing both parents.

Even a timetable of access arrangements won't stop him being able to collect from nursery. They cannot stop (and won't stop) anyone with PR collecting a child even if it isn't 'their day'.

You need proper advice and be prepared that if he isn't an actual danger to your child, you won't be granted a court order saying he can't have contact. Be realistic here. Lots of posters on MN seem to think the mother has additional or priority rights, in the UK, they dont.

@TickyandTacky I recommended the court order not to keep the child away from their Father but because there would be regular scheduled contact for the child with their Dad which would provide the consistency the OP wants. I clearly said for access.

True the court order wouldn't stop him collecting from nursery but he would be going against any court order if that wasn't his day to collect. And let's face it he probably wouldn't be doing it to spend more time with his child but using the child as a way to upset the OP and keep her on edge. It would mean a child would be returned to the parent because there is a court order stipulating where the child is meant to be.

I am not divorced but my friend had a tool of an ex who did this ad hoc and collected their child from nursery for spite. It meant she couldn't relax at work knowing he could waltz in 30 minutes after dropping her child off at nursery, collect his child, leave them with their grandparent and swan off to work.

Well you're talking about contact arrangements in general, I'm speaking as a childcare provider and answering the OP as to whether she can stop him randomly collecting their child from nursery. Short answer, no.

@TickyandTacky thank you for clarifying. I know it is difficult for staff in these situations too. I just meant it was better for her to do the court stuff now rather than later when it was considered by her to be an emergency if he collected their child and then withheld him from his Mum.