Strong willed babies / toddlers

[Maisie2409]

Hi everyone,

I’m not really sure where to start but I’m struggling with how exhausting my daughter is. Since she emerged from the newborn stage, she has been incredibly intense. As a young baby, she has had feeding strikes, would tend to fluctuate between screaming and whining, take 3 x 20 min naps a day max etc. We’ve always had to be out of the house for almost the entirety of the day, every single day since she was 12 weeks old, to entertain her. She had a terrible weaning journey, refused everything despite pressure free BLW (absolute no go getting a spoon anywhere near her - she has to be in control of everything). Hated the highchair - would scream / climb out etc. Everyone who meets her in public thinks she’s an angel as she LOVES social interaction and attention, however this is not the baby/toddler we’ve had at home!

Anyway, she is now 17 months and the temperament is continuing to be ‘intense’. She can spend over an hour hysterically screaming at a time and we often can’t work out what the trigger was. I’d describe it as more of a meltdown than a tantrum (she also has these, but it’s more obvious as it’s usually in response to not being able to get her own way and we sometimes have more success at distracting her out of them, compared to the meltdowns where nothing works). Every nappy change, outfit change, bath time, bedtime, even just wiping her face after food, is a screamy affair. She screams when she wakes up from her nap and screams first thing in the morning.

She walked at 9 months and has lots of vocabulary (over 100 words now I’d guess, and starting to combine words), so I don’t think the screaming is necessarily from frustration alone. Both my husband and I are very calm, pretty chilled out people so I don’t know why she is like this! No autism signs present - she’s an extremely social girl, she just seems to have very high energy levels and an intense temperament. I’m just exhausted and feel constantly on edge and over stimulated from the whining and screaming (despite always trying to outwardly display a calm appearance!).

I totally understand that all babies/toddlers are hard work, but I’ve noticed my friends’ babies/toddlers seem to have far more easy going temperaments. Can anybody relate? Does anybody have some stories of hope that their strong willed baby/toddler chilled out a bit? My overly optimistic side is hoping terrible twos are hitting early, but the realistic side of me thinks this is just her temperament and that we’re in for a ride!!

Thanks to anyone who has got this far!

You're in luck, the most recent Janet Lansbury episode is on strong willed toddlers.

open.spotify.com/episode/1u3RC9HTkxVsSFVBC5YmGV?si=uac971lAQXyILHdXYvSF_Q

I have one like this and a chilled out one too, I found it got much easier at 2, a bit harder again at 3 and easing off again at nearly 4.

I find Janet Lansbury to be the most helpful and I've read and listened to A LOT.

Thank you for sharing - I will give the podcast a listen! Also insightful to hear your experience about the different ages.

No worries, I really feel your pain re: screaming when they wake up in morning. It's the absolute worst.

Things that helped us were

• bottle of milk immediately on waking, or a pre-breakfast nibble (fruit or something easy)

• moving to a toddler bed (but that's dependent on a lot of different things, our bedtimes are weirdly easy)
• activity set up the night before - something really simple like play dough or colouring

Edited to say, the thing that helps most in general is just letting him have the meltdown, not saying anything much, doing anything, or trying to distract. If I let the meltdown happen fully then of then we can often move on with the rest of the day much more easily.

That’s a good idea to have an activity set up for the morning - I really need to get better organised with that. I’m currently collapsing into bed after long, stressful bedtime attempts! Think that could really help, as I always find the mornings especially stressful whilst I’m trying to get myself dressed etc and us both organised to get out of house ASAP. It’s longer hours out of the house with her each day than when I’m at work!

I’m hoping that the stressful bedtimes are a phase, as she has actually been okay with them in the past (similiar to yours!). Shes so active in the day and doesn’t need much day sleep, so we used to have pretty easy bedtimes - one thing that made the really intense days more bearable was having a bit of an evening. We’re currently not able to get her to sleep until 9.30/10 so it’s straight to bed, ready to repeat the whole process again the next day!

We’re in the same boat (DH currently still attempting bedtime which started at 7pm!).

It’s so exhausting and the constant whinging is just too much! For us, it’s a mixture of wanting her own way, plus clinginess of wanting to be carried / involved at all times.

No advice but you’re not alone, also hoping it gets better soon!

It may not help now, but my placid and cheerful little toddler is now a stroppy 8 year old, whereas my best friend’s tantrumming threenager is a polite, quiet, lovely little girl. So it probably isn’t a permanent personality trait!