Partner going back after paternity leave

[GirlMumxx]

Hi everyone, i just need to know if im being unreasonable or not…

So my partner goes back to work from paternity leave on Thursday and we’ve agreed that he takes and collects our eldest from nursery as he starts work at 8:00am and finishes at 5:30pm and his work is literally 10 minutes away from the nursery, he has agreed and is able to do so which he is fine with.

…But he expects me to wake up every morning still and get our eldest dressed etc because he said he doesn’t know what clothes to send her in (biggest bullshit excuse ever) even if i’ve been up all night with our newborn baby…i’ve said no you should be doing it because when i was at work i had to do it all including drops off and pick ups and nobody helped me then.

I have a scary feeling he’s going to be really lazy when he goes back to work and not help me at all and i’ll end up burning out and going into postpartum depression like i did with my eldest.

Has anyone else experienced this? Am i being unreasonable?! Do working dads not need to do anything because they’re at work all day?? because if so when i go back to work i guess i’ll stop doing everything too eyy?

I think somewhere in between would be reasonable. I think there would be plenty of days where you could get up and help him to get your eldest ready for nursery days then go back to bed when your baby naps. When you have had a bad night he might need to do more. Ideally you need to work as a team on this one, rather than each having a definite point on who is going to work ’ hardest’ and turning it into a stand-off. You will both be working bloody hard and it does not need to be a competition.

I agree with above; a bit of both. You should both be up really, unless it’s been a one-off awful night.

But I think it’s bad news in general when you’ve descended into this his job/my job.

What did you agree on before you planned to have a second child?

It’s not really me who’s said I’ll do this and you do this. He's kind of just thought oh she’ll do everything by herself now i’m going back to work and i have explained that i will need help as sleep deprivation will get me and he's went in a right tit 🙄

I’ve always got up in the morning with my eldest to get ready for school even when I’m on maternity leave, and my husband does drop off and pulls his weight and then some. I like the routine and seeing him in the morning before school.

He needs to understand that he is not being asked to ‘help’ - it is his responsibility as the children’s father to do his share of the parenting.

I understand this completely, it was just the way he’s went around it, like trying to get out of it🤦🏼♀️

In my experience, I was up and awake anyway so found myself working alongside DP to get them out the door.
always had clothes / bag out the night before etc

I feel like this will be anyway as my newborns just woke up for his feed (5am) and i won’t go back to sleep now as i just see no point haha!

I agree he should be getting the toddler ready. Is there a happy medium where maybe clothes are sat out the night before? If that is his biggest objection seems like there is a really simple fix

oh i would happily do this for him, but he would come up with another excuse 😅 men urgh…

What he’s doing / being asked to do isn’t ’helping’ - it’s looking after his own child!!!

I think you need to stop the whose working hardest and both so some jobs in the morning. You’d be better off getting up then going back to bed later in the day for example.

I think you are on high alert because you don’t trust that he’s understood what caused your burnout / depression last time. You think it was him.. he clearly didn’t get the memo or you don’t think he’ll step up this time.
the real problem is this gap between you - this needs fixing so you are really a team again. Xx

I completely agree!!! I wish men gave birth just to get our side of parenthood 🤣 Xx

Realistically you'll probably be up anyway most days. The issue I would have is that he's already searching for reasons why it won't work or he'll need your "help".

It sounds a bit like a competition over who will be the most tired at the moment which is really easy to fall into with a newborn.

I wouldn't have any more conversations about it. Once reality hits and he's back at work, he will see that you aren't just having a nice lie in while he gets the older one ready and goes to work and you will be reassured that he will share the load without any input from you. Hopefully.

You are not unreasonable and your concerns are justified, I don't know why other posters are coming with passive agressive bs like "what did you agree before planning to have your 2nd?" (Really, @FoxtrotOscarKindaDay ? Did you expect OP would post a spreadsheet? Can anyone predict how life is going to be with 2? Or yours is one of those "gotcha", "boom" MN comments that are the latest fashion?).

I agree that once you've descended to dividing jobs with a zero sum game perspective, it takes a lot of effort to disentangle yourself from resentment and bring constructive change to the situation.

Him doing the nursery rides is perfectly expectable. If he is worried by the outfits (🙄), you could always prepared them the night before.
I'd bet it's a matter of lack of practice, for him, and let's be honest: mornings can be overwhelming. So maybe he is anticipating this and already feeling stressed.
If you suffered from PPD it's very important that both of you can put systems in place to protect your mental health.

Thank you ❤️ I struggled really bad last time and he thinks because i’ve had an easier birth this time round that it can’t/wont happen again but i can already feel myself slipping, im constantly upset with his attitude towards helping me, he just sleeps through all the cries unless i wake him up and help me, but even then he falls back to sleep and i just can’t be bothered to argue i haven't got the energy so i just power through it on my own.

He’s tried to make out like i want nothing to do with my eldest too as i’ve asked him to sort her out in the mornings which has now made me feel like a terrible mum which i already have guilt about as my attention is now on both kids not just my eldest solely 😒.

@NameChangedOfc It wasn't a gotcha. It was a genuine question. After having PPD with the first child, why wouldn't a couple make sure they knew what having a second would entail to minimise the risk of PPD again. @GirlMumxx said he didn't help with first so absolutely should have been very clear what help he was going to provide when they had a new baby and a toddler to look after as well.

Responsibility for having children goes both ways.

I guess I'm struggling to see what is the usefulness of your comment, now that the child is in fact here.

How can a grown man not know how to dress his child? I wouldn’t be organising him, or telling him what to put her in, I’d be telling him it’s high time he worked it out - presumably he manages to dress himself in the morning? Who told you what to dress her in for nursery and you managed to work it out.

I sound have been up and about anyway, so the sleep thing is sort of irrelevant - he needs to be able to dress his own child.

OP, the first weeks (even months) of having two are very intense and hard, on everyone: of course you feel like your heart is now divided in two parts that are running on the wild outside of your body and in different directions. It's an adaptation. And it well may last over a year.
My point is: try and suspend character judgements (including of yourself) during this period. Incredible as it now might sound, it shall pass and somehow you'll have prevailed 😉
As for your husband, I personally think having a child (even if it's not your first) brings to the surface all those unresolved issues we've had put on stand by while we'te busy with life. It would be good for you, imo, having someone to talk about yoir frustrations and let them out: a good friend, understanding relative, a therapist (which I recommend if you suffered from ppd). Not your husband, but someone from "the outside world" who knows you and has your interests at heart.

Just lay the clothes out the night before. He is more than capable of dressing a child and getting himself ready.