Worst night so far with my newborn 4.5 weeks old

[loopylou02823]

Hi all
I am not sure whether I’m looking for a bit of advice or encouragement but the last 2 nights have been the worst so far with my newborn.

he has been struggling with gas and wind but we seemed to get it under control however the last 2 nights I’ve not been able to settle him resulting in me having nearly 24 hours awake.

last night my DP brought him to bed at 11:30pm and from the minute his head touched the next to me bed he was awake and unsettled. Normally I can put him on my chest to get him back to sleep but NOTHING worked. I tried every position possible but he just cried and cried. It also left me feeling well and truly deflated that I’ve not been able to settle my baby and so guilty as he is so besides himself.

I am exhausted and it’s caused a massive argument between me and my partner as he sleeps through any bit of noise so I have felt alone in all of this. Once he is awake he is hands on and helping but I just feel so angry towards him because I’m getting no sleep. He works so I know it’s unreasonable to expect him to be able to help as well as function the next day. I don’t know I’m just really upset

Two pronged approach. First sleep in shifts your DP has baby from 7-12 and you get 5 hours then. After midnight, baby is yours, and you can make it through to 7pm.

You also need tk see someone about the gasiness in baby. They're likely very uncomfortable lying down. Have you got a sling for daytime use? You can try propping up one end of the cot too. Have you got any baby gaviscon?

Is it safe to sleep with baby on chest in bed?

Just offering reassurance that you are doing a good job and the newborn stage isn’t easy.
I used to tell myself under similar circumstances “The baby will settle” or “We will fall asleep” because no matter how many days the fussiness lasts or how hard it seems, at one point or another things get easier.
This is the time for patience for your baby, your partner and arguably most importantly patience for yourself.
The good news is you absolutely can do this ❤️

@stillhiding1990 I have just said I haven’t slept in 24 hours

Your partner needs to do some of the night wakes if you're not getting any sleep!

Are you bf or formula?
Was your baby feeding during the night or just crying continuously?

Seconding the suggestions of sleeping in shifts and walking your partner if you need him to take over.

So often we say “but they’re working” - so are we! Don’t ever forget what an important job you are doing, whilst recovering from birth, learning every day, surviving on coffee and the promise that it does get easier eventually.

I often found getting out for some fresh air made the days a little easier after particularly bad nights.

Sleep deprivation is an absolute killer whether you're working or not so your partner really needs to step up here - dad's don't get to be fully rested just because they're working.

Firstly, you're doing amazing, our ability as a parent isn't defined by how quickly we can soothe a baby who is struggling with gas. Try tummy massage, warm bath etc before bed. If it persists, try cutting dairy out your diet (if breastfeeding) or changing formula.

Absolutely agree with taking shifts. Your partner can do until midnight and perhaps you go to bed at 6pm, then you can take over. It seems never ending when you're in it but it will get better xx

Sometimes it's just like that, you've not done anything wrong and tonight will probably be completely different.

Shifts never worked for us, DH has a full on job, and I didn't like it much either because I would always wake up anyway with DC1 and I was breastfeeding DC2 so impossible.

In those first 10-12 weeks, we both went to bed really early with the baby and got a solid few hours. Then I'd be up in the night and DH would take them if they woke up after 4/5am so I could get a couple of hours before he went to work.

@loopylou02823 I'm 5 weeks in and just want to say:

1. you are doing an amazing job. I was a zombie for the first couple of weeks and it was awful.
2. do shifts if they work for you. I had dinner at 6 and went to bed as soon as I could after. Husband passed baby to me at midnight. It was depressing but didn't last forever - 2 weeks at most. It's easier if you're formula feeding or have enough supply to pump. If you're breastfeeding, broken sleep is still better than no sleep. But a solid chunk of 4 hours makes me feel more human. You're no good to anyone with no sleep and I have put my baby in danger a few times by just trying to stay awake. I didn't want to co-sleep but need up doing it by accident - recommend you look up he safe sleep 7. If you're breastfeeding there's a position which means you both get to sleep. If you're breastfeeding aren't breastfeeding, putting baby to the breast might calm them down.
3. I didn't believe anyone who told me it wouldn't last forever. About a week in I had a night where baby didn't stop screaming for six hours, too stressed to sleep or feed and husband was on shift. I called the NCT feeding helpline and just tried to talk to someone so I wasn't totally alone. A nice woman promised she wouldn't hang up and would just sit it out with me. I was on the phone for two hours and then baby conked out. About two weeks ago we got fed up of shifts and started just taking baby to bed when we normally go (around 10pm) and just sticking her in the Moses basket and then the cot until she fell asleep. First few nights were awful because she would only sleep on one of us so we were constantly transferring her into the cot and then would end up picking her up again. Now she wakes around 2am and then goes back to sleep until 6ish. If you can split this shift - partner does 2am feed and you do 6am, that might help you both to get a chunk of kip. Night feed just has to be quiet and boring and nappy change only if you need to.
4. Re: wind - there's a position called tiger in the tree or something that makes my baby more comfy when she has unfixable wind. It doesn't always make her fart (sadly) but I stick her in that position after feeding when she just won't settle and it does at least calm her down so my brain can disconnect for a moment.
5. Trust your instinct and if you don't think it's wind, just call the doctor/111 and get baby checked for reflux.

You'll get there in the end, I promise.

Dads of newborns are exhausted, everyone understands, it's not normal for him to have a full night of sleep at this stage. Until around 8 weeks, DH was getting around 4 hours of sleep a night, he got the 10pm - 2am shift so he could sleep 2am-6.30am and be functional for work.

YOU also need to function in the day. You matter too. If he cannot cope, he takes some vacation.

This all settles by 7-8 weeks. The 1-2 months period is extremely difficult for everyone.

I had a reflux (turned out to be CMPA) baby and the only way the poor child could sleep was upright, on my chest. It's partly why DH and I had to take shifts.

A mum friend had to sleep propped up with sofa pillows until around 6 weeks for the same reason (she was a single mum, no DH to do shifts).

Sometimes the rules go put the window.

Make a GP appt to discuss silent reflux and potentially getting medication for it.

Is baby bottle or breastfed? Are you doing shifts overnight to at least allow you some sleep?

The only thing that worked for DD was to run her pram over a ‘bump’ in the door frame with her in it. For about 4 hours, one time.

Sending a hug. Once hubs gets in from work today, hand baby over and go to bed, even if it’s only until midnight / 1am. That way you get around 6 hours sleep.

Big hugs xxx

Just wanted to say a massive thank you for all of the suggestions. I’m going to try and answer everyone in one single message. Apologies if I miss anything…

Me and DP started doing shifts a couple of weeks ago which worked really well but I feel like we slipped on it the last week and a bit (not his fault, mine too for not going to bed early enough) also our DSD has been here so the spare bedroom out of action which threw off the routine. We have said tonight we will start the shifts again so we both get some sleep, I also struggle to do shifts in the same bedroom as I’m such a light sleeper so I’m awake most of his shift if we are in the same room.

We are trying our best not to co-sleep (absolutely no judgement passed to those who do) but I’ll be honest we are doing whatever we can at the moment to all get some sleep. And that does sometimes mean he is on our chest but I try to put him back down when I know he is in a deep sleep

He is combination fed so breastfed/expressed milk & formula (also adding colief). I personally find that he is less gassy when we alternate between the two. I saw the GP last week regarding his gas however because he’s feeding well and no major red flags, we were told to basically ride it out and it sucks. As I previously mentioned we seemed to have got the gas under control so I’m not sure if it was a next to me bed issue? Has anybody had experience with this…
He seems to go down for longer stretches in his moses basket so may move that to the bedroom (I am trying everything possible tonight). We keep him upright 20-30 mins after feeding to stop any reflux (he’s generally not sicky more gas/wind).

Re the shifts, absolutely cannot be done in the same room. Me or DH slept on the sofa in the living room. I could not sleep through my baby even wincing.

Shifts need to be in a separate room. Also get ear plugs if you struggle to switch off. Good luck for tonight!

We moved the moses basket into our room at first when baby wouldn't settle in the next to me - definitely try it! I think the next to me just felt too big. We pop her in a sleeping bag and tuck the bottom of it into the mattress and that seems to work. We also try to give baby a quick bath when we're running out of ideas and we stick Ewan the sheep on every night. (Bought ours second hand as I was sceptical... but it works?!) And a dummy when baby is too tired to sleep; calms her down just enough to be receptive to rest.

I really didn't want to co-sleep either and still avoid it (similarly no judgment - it gives me the heebiegeebies in case I squash her, but I am a very deep sleeper) but honestly just make your bed safe just in case.

Fingers crossed for you - this bit is shit whether you're the one sleeping or the one holding the screaming baby. You'll find your groove eventually and it will get better! ❤️

White noise, dummies, tommee tippee dream maker. It will get better! My DD is 3 months and I was pulling my hair out in that fussy phase then all of sudden she hit 11 weeks and it stopped.
DH worked away through most of it so I get how you feel alone in the night.
You can do this!! This phase is is rubbish but it gets so much better

Not recommended but I had to swaddle mine when a newborn for us to get any sleep. You can get swaddle bags which are safer - Vinted has lots.

I thought everyone swaddles? How is it not recommended? The midwives actually showed me how to do it in hospital 😂

Oh my batch of midwives (saw a different one every **ing time) showed me absolutely nothing useful and were very Lullaby Trust, no loose blankets, keep baby cold type people. MiL turned up at 2am day after the baby was born because we were having a terrible time, taught DP to swaddle and sent us both to bed. Life saving, frankly.

The Lullaby Trust actually have instructions on how to swaddle on their website.

For us this very unsettled sleep and clingyness was cmpa. It's worth keeping a food diary if nothing else. It can take 72 hours after consuming the food for it to affect the baby so you have to look back 3-4 days before the unsettled period to see what might be causing it. Formula obviously complicates this though.

I'd just Co sleep. I don't know why people fight it. It's not like the marital bed is getting used for anything else! And they easily go into their own rooms when you're ready for it.